To Yonder - Comments

Interesting to start this with a wedding invitation. Cool idea.

AS I WAS READING

and I am lucky to serve you[,] Princess." >> Missing comma. Names are separated with commas when being addressed.

I notice that you change from Princess to princess. Since she's addressing the princess as more of a proper noun, vs. just a regular noun, I would suggest capitalizing them all. Either way is up to you, but I would recommend making them all the same.

"Yes[,] princess[.]" She bowed her head. >> Again, another comma to set aside the name. Also, this dialogue should end in a period because there's no "real" dialogue tag.

CONTENT

Yay, pirates! When I first started this I thought it was going to be the princess rebelling and running away or something, but I like the add-on of pirates. It definitely gives the plot dimension.

The writing itself is really good. For instance, the paragraph about Nelly being seasick and freedom and etc is really great characterization and relatable writing.

The only issue that cropped up was the lack of punctuation when it comes to addressing characters.

"Princess you must hide!" >> Wrong
"Princess, you must hide!" >> Right

It's correct most of the time, but there are a few errors here and there.

CHARACTERS
Since it's only the first chapter, the characters obviously aren't all that developed yet. But you've done a great job at setting them apart right now. I can definitely tell that their personalities could clash in the future, but they'll probably be able to get each other out of some situations, haha.

Great job with this! You have a really solid start here and I think that it's going to progress beautifully.

xxx Bee

wait time out.....are you rewriting this and I missed it? I was inactive for a while on here but I remember a LOT more chapters then this last time

Comment swap~

First chapter was short, but I liked how it was an invitation to their wedding. The second chapter pulled me in. I kind of got an Ariel feel off of Alessia, like she's just so curious she can't stand getting married to some prince. The layout matched perfectly and it wasn't hard to read, so kudos for that! I plan on subscribing, you've got a piece of work on your hands!

???? Did you decide to redo it?

I've missed this story. Update, please! :)

I love this story so incredibly much!!! Haha Nelly sure got it on and poor tanek... he just has no idea. :)

wow, this is such a unique story idea! i love the whole pirate thing (i'm somewhat of a pirate of the caribbean fan if i do say so myself).

the writing is really nice, and i'm totally hooked in. i can't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, and it just has a lovely flow. i can't wait to carry on reading! <3

I love the beginning of this story the most. You can tell how dedicated to the royal family Nelly is because even though she loves her hair, she follows suit with the princess and lets her cut her hair. It's realy endearing.
And it's a very original idea, which is hard to find on this site, so kudos to you! :)
Keep writing, you have a real talent here.
The way you write, it's absolutely beautiful.
Never give up!
Wishing you luck in all that you do!

This is amazing, simply amazing :)

Pirate stories aren't really my thing, but I like the description and the story about a princess and the sea and stuff like that. It's cute, I guess. Action stories just aren't erally my thing. She's very... spunky, I guess, and I like the princess's character a lot. Keep writing!

I liked this, pirate stories aren't usually my thing but comment swap led me here so this is what I'm reading. I didn't like the opening very much but otherwise I liked it. I just thought that rushing into the fight took away from developing the characters more. I agree otherwise with what Ronnie Mac said in their comment and won't go on to reiterate it.

I love the way you began your story. Although normally I'm opposed to jumping straight into action as soon as the story starts, but in my opinion, I find you transitioned into it quite nicely. So far, although I'm not done reading all the chapters you have up so far, I like it. I also like your title; it's different. Although, I imagine it fits to the time period your story seems to be in (the one with pirates, princesses and princes).

However, I think you just need to be a little bit more careful when someones talking and you're saying that someone else is doing something, then you go on to say he/she said/did something. I think you just need to clarify a bit more who did what and so on. I'm sorry if that's confusing but really, that's the only critique I have on your star, and I think that's a good thing.

The first chapter is pretty good. It gives good insight to Nelly and the princess. I really like the spunk the princess has, how she cut the hair and everything. I'm curious as to how the whole thing will unwind in further chapters and what the captain will do. I'm also curious to meet the prince!

Just so you know, once I read all these chapters, you will have an immensely long comment waiting for you :)

This is truly a breath of fresh air, such an original idea.
I'm in love with it I must say :)
Please continue with this :)

R&Can't wait to see what happens next :)

I love this!!! I want the prince and alistair to show up and be all like give us back the princess so I can see how Tanek reacts :D
Oh gosh I am such a romantic!!!! lol *facepalm*

I really love the name, it's sort of mystical-like in a sense, and were you going for that? I think it really fits well with the genre. c:

I thought that the full names were a little bit of over-kill to be honest, aha, and I think "the stories" would sound a little less awkward, but otherwise a very good summary!

I like the rebellious streak in here, I'm a sucker for a good rebel princess type character, so Alessia definitely fits that taste, aha. Especially with something like cutting her hair, as someone who absolutely treasures her hair like Nelly, it shows really how much she doesn't care about trivial things like that. It's not really a show, I guess. I can definitely see why she'd want to have a taste of adventure though, living such a sheltered life.

There are a couple of technical things, like tags/dialogue used wrong in a couple of places. Commas where there should be periods and periods where there should be commas, type of deal. Examples:
"Yes Princess," She bowed her head.
should be a period there.
"I refuse to let you die here," Alessia heard the men fighting above.
should be period.
"You two boys are scrawny," He and two men behind him laughed.
The he should be a lower case, but realistically, with a tag it you can't really laugh that out. So it would be a period.

And a couple places were commas were needed:
"Nelly was suddenly very nervous any trace of their previous conversation lost."
A comma should be used after nervous.
"It wasn’t exactly what Nelly had in mind but nevertheless quickly obliged too caught up to question Alessia's demands."
Should be nevertheless she quickly obliged, too caught up.

I think too, it would've been a little better if you delved more into descriptions, like how the boat looked, how the girls looked, painted more of a picture in my mind, you know? Just little things like that can really breathe more life into a story.

But I liked it! :3

Loving this I can't wait until he finds out! They are so incredibly cute together the way they both have no idea what's going on.

will and nellly FINALLY!!!