Eponey - the Millenium Bug - Comments

I really do love how you describe the scene. I feel like I can really see everything in my head as if centaurs are a thing I see in the day to day. I do find that you often use ellipses incorrectly, I only bring it up because I often make the same mistake in writing. They are used as a break in thought or to show interruption in narrative stories from what I was told. I am no gramma nazi either I make a million mistakes myself! Really though I love what you are doing with the story and really keep up the good work. Never give up on writing, in the wise (and semi-edified) lyrics of Elsa's song in Frozen; let it flow.

Hi! I'm here because of the comment swap! I really like the originality and creativity with this story. I think that the creation of the new world with creatures like centaurs, and magical rings and bracelets. I do, however, think that I should comment on your writing style. I think that it is brilliant that you were so descriptive but i find this story really hard to follow as you either go off on tangents, or you describe so many trivial things that I lose the storyline. Other than that and other minor errors that could easily be fixed with a bit of editing, I think this is great.

Hi! I'm here because of the comment swap! I really like the originality and creativity with this story. I think that the creation of the new world with creatures like centaurs, and magical rings and bracelets. I do, however, think that I should comment on your writing style. I think that it is brilliant that you were so descriptive but i find this story really hard to follow as you either go off on tangents, or you describe so many trivial things that I lose the storyline. Other than that and other minor errors that could easily be fixed with a bit of editing, I think this is great.

You do very well when it comes to description, and leaving the reader wanting more. I also like how you don't immediately address certain characters, but you kind of set this feel so people can get to know about them. You had very little errors. Sometimes when you write and get really into description you suddenly trail off and begin a new paragraph, cutting off the flow that you had going. Sometimes you used both the past and present tenses and sentences but other than that it was all very well written and I hope to see more in the future

(In reference to Necropolis - 1)
There is a god use of the surroundings as a way of building up the feel, though some of this can get lost in the structure. Some of it are the niggly points, such as capital letters and synonyms, but there are few other aspects that pull away from what could be quite a powerful description.
Be careful with tenses. Within two sentences you did change from present to past at one point, so decide if it is being told by someone there, or in hindsight and keep an eye out for it. I won't go through all the grammar specifics, but maybe if you could get a friend to proof read it, it might help. Even if you read it out loud yourself, it might make a bit more sense how some of the sentences should be structured, as there are a few parts which seem a little comma heavy.
I hope you're able to get this (and most of it is reading and practise) because it could be a really powerful piece, as you've done well to set a dark scene with just the buildings, and mention of people, with no characters yet. This is an underrated skill in writing, and one that I have always greatly struggled with. Keep it going.

First, I love how you structured the story. Separating view points and characters, or by places, etc. can often be challenging, but from what I see you have done pretty well. Jumping it at chapter thirteen took a bit to get into, I will admit, but you do a great job at explaining the city right from the get go.

You have a really nice use of imagery, but sometimes your "paragraphs" seem very choppy and almost don't allow the images to keep flowing together. You took a lot of time to explain the surroundings - which I like - and I could visualize everything clearly. You have a very interesting voice when you are writing and it seems to work for this story.

I found this very interesting since I was jumping it at the description of this city, but I found your sentences to be too choppy and it sometimes cut off the nice flow you have with the imagery!

I am here from comment swap. And since you asked to comment about the latest chapter, I shall. As well as about the story all together. The newest chapter was interesting to read. You have a nice flow about everything, and you don't really dwell on too much of one thing, which I find refreshing. The newest chapter had gotten me intrigued about it, and I can see others wanting to know more and read.

As for the story over all, it was a very nice, well written story! It was different from anything that I've read, which over all had me interested in what it was about. I've never read a story about a girl being a centaur. It was refreshing and new, which a lot of people like. Your use of imagery was very good, which is a good skill to have. I felt like I was there, I could picture what was going on, and that's an A+ in my book! There were a few grammatical errors in the story, so I suggest maybe proof reading it over before posting it, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I could see myself continuing to read this and maybe even a sequel. Good luck with your writing!

*COMMENT SWAP*
I like you story it is very intriguing I didn't get chance to get past chapter 1 I had to leave for a party but I really like how you said the the world as we know it is going down. That really drawed me in. Another thing I got really confused then caught back on during chapter 2 It really good please continue

*COMMENT SWAP*
I like you story it is very intriguing I didn't get chance to get past chapter 1 I had to leave for a party but I really like how you said the the world as we know it is going down. That really drawed me in. Another thing I got really confused then caught back on during chapter 2 It really good please continue

Aside from grammatical issues, which I'm pretty sure have probably been pointed out by other people who have commented, I find that your story is intriguing from what I've read of it. Your use of imagery is pretty spectacular in my point of view, and that's one of the main things I look for when I'm reading.

I read your latest chapter, since that's what I saw requested, but I plan to go back and read over your previous ones as well. I hope that you continue to write some more and keep practicing. That's all that one can do if they hope to be a good writer. :D

Your descriptive language is practically flawless. I feel like I'm actually there and "there" is a place that is described so thoroughly it seems to be too good to be true. "There are streets of gold, avenues of silver". I love that line it makes something real feel surreal. Keep going, it's great!

i really liked this. since you wanted comments on the newest chapter, all of this is pretty much directed at that (although it could be extended throughout the rest of the story too). the characterization is interesting, and it's refreshing to read definitely. i love the flow that you use, and it definitely highlights all the best parts in the story. i didn't notice any grammatical errors either, which is great too! <3

Like everyone else here I was intrigued by the concept for this story- it's been way too long since I heard anything about the millenium bug and I think the idea will have brought a smile to more faces than just mine. Your writing style is prtty classic: it works because you made the introduction of your character and the plot really clear, but I think the prologue was a bit lacking in interest and ended up being a little bit dry for it...Maybe it's a good idea to 'tell' a little less and 'show' a little more, by inferring things or showing perhaps how Eponey lives. Did take me a while too to figure out the titling of the chapters and that it was another characetr speaking, but perhaps that was just me. At the end of some of the chapters I got the feeling they were getting a bit rushed towards the end and there wasn't as much time spent crafting the text. To be honest past chapter four I got rather confused with where the whole story was going, but perhaps this was because I was trying to write a comment on it at the same time as reading. I think a lot of is to do with the written style which needs to be clearer the more complex the plot is, but good job mostly!

The concept for this story is very intriguing. I do have to say that your sentences seem a bit choppy. There are a few spelling errors, which is to be expected from everyone, but the sentences themselves seem rushed, in my opinion. All in all, this story has amazing potential. Keep writing it, and I'll be sure to look back to see how it's developed.

:From Comment Swap:

Hello! I read the latest chapter and I think you've got an interesting concept going but I do believe that grammar and spelling are somewhat of an issue for you. I find that what always helps me is to first finish the chapter and give it some time before you go ahead and read it over to edit it. If the story is too fresh in your mind you won't be able to catch the little mistakes as well as someone who doesn't know what's going to happen.

Other than that I think you have great imagination and a quite original concept. Keep up the good work!

I'm here for the comment swap and I only read the first chapter, so I'm sorry I didn't comment on the last chapter like you have asked. I couldn't really get into your story. It's not for me, I'm sorry to say. The layout was a little bothersome, but that might just be me being nit-picky. You have a few grammar issues- but from the comments, others have pointed it out so I won't be the broken record. I think this story has a lot of potential. if it didn't jump so much, it's a little confusing, but I do think you can fix it. Did you name Eponey after Links horse? I think it's lovely.

This sounds quite interesting actually!

Things to point out: I'm not sure a seven year old would use a words like "Intriguing" .. ! And she seems incredibly sophisticated for a seven year old, though this seems like the point so.. Idk. Aha, it also seemed quite fast paced, but other than that I really enjoyed the read.

Hi. I got this through comment swap and I read the most recent chapter like you asked. The chapter was everywhere and hard to focus on so I could not concentrate on the concept. Maybe if you tried to clear up the chapter and stick to the important things so you don't leave readers confused. But other than that I thought the story was a really good idea and I hope you stick with it.
-WolfGirl96

A really lovely concept. I haven't actually read anything like this before, especially which such a young character. I'm about half way through and I'm finding a really lovely read. I can't wait to see longer chapters and more of a story line forming. ((comment swap)) Best wishes - Sadie J. Blue.

Hi, I'm from the comment swap. I read the prologue of this and so far, I really like it. I think it's a very good idea.