The Pretender - Comments

Aww! This was so fucking amazing! My entire spectrum of emotions was in play!
It was so fucking amazing.
The way you've written it was so easy to read that I barely even noticed that the story actually consisted of words and letters. Really; it was like a movie was playing in my head.
Really; this was incredible!

Okay, first of all, thank you so much for reading the whole thing! :arms:
ily so much :tehe:

Monster.:

First of all, I think you need to research your work better.
The courtscene was, well not really believable - unfortunately.
Also, no one would get 15 years for something like that.
Which again, is very unfortunate but that's how the world looks today.

Completely agreed! It was a pretty rushed part of the story, and I don't know much about court procedures. I'll do more research next time :)

Monster.:

And I'm very confused about the ages.
I guessed in the beginning that Frank and Gerard was 18 - since they graduated. It sure sounded like that.
Which would mean that Mikey is around 16-17. Or rather 15, but lets say 16-17. And how old is Michelle? Working as a nurse, she would have to be arund 18-19 if not older.
What does she see in a young lad like that?

Yeah. I guess I didn't really think that through.. woops :tehe:
But hey, love has no age limits :P

Monster.:

"After dropping Mikey and Michelle back at their apartment,"
Wait, they've been together for what, a week? And they already live together? -confused-

I very, very briefly explained why... Okay, it wasn't much of an explanation, but still. Clichés seem to be my speciality with this story... hehe.

Monster.:

So, things you need to think about when writing your next story:

Character development.
There's no fun reading about characters that stay the same through-out a story.

Plot development.
A few clichés can be used, cos it's hard to be completely original, but try to think about the plot before starting the story. Where will it start and end? What should happen in the middle? Etc, etc.

I'll admit, I didn't plan this story. I didn't really think anyone would read it, and once I started, I just kinda.. updated when I thought of something :XD So yeah, definite downfall of this story.

Monster.:

Describing things.
Goes for everything really. Characters, rooms, emotions etc.
Like I've mentioned, you don't have any compassion with either Gerard nor Frank cos you don't know them. You don't know who they are, what they like, what makes them happy/angry/sad, you don't know what's going on in their heads most of the time. That's a big turn off actually.

I completely agree :) I'm definitely taking this into serious consideration as I write my most recent story. I can see how important it is. I think I'm doing better with description and background now.

Monster.:

Bert McCracken.
Stay away from Bert, seriously. Unless it's vital for the story that he shows up, just cut him out of it. There's way too many stories where Bert shows up and is the bad guy. If you're making an MCR fic, and the Used shows us - sure have Bert, but then let Bert be Bert. He may be childish, immature etc, but he's no rapist nor an evil little man whose every plot is to ruin his ex boyfriends Gerard's new relationship.

Haha, duly noted! It was a pretty damn uninspired choice... Heck, even I don't like stories which include him as the bad guy. :tehe:

Monster.:

So, I hope I haven't been too 'mean', even though I honestly don't think so. It feels like I've simply just been honest, and that's really good. Next time you write a story you can read these comments and think "ah! I shouldn't do that, I need to think about that, etc".

Really, no one can be brilliant with their first try. I'm pretty confident that when MCR first wrote Skylines and Turnstiles it sucked. Not even MCR can have had the first draft of the song all perfect. But they had each other to give hints, tips and "oh God, don't ever write that again" comments.

You, or I or anyone else here on mibba, have that. But we have each other, and we can help each other just as well. Practise makes perfect, and sometimes you just need someone that can let you know what you do wrong.

Okay, so, if you're ever planning on writing another story, don't hesitate to ask me for tips/etc. Or if you want me to BETA. I'm here for your aid!

:arms:

No you haven't, I really, truly appreciate all the honesty and advice you've given me. :arms: And thanks for making me feel better about my crappy writing; seriously, you give the best con-crit ever.

And thank you so much, I may do that!

Okay, here are my last comments.

First of all, I think you need to research your work better.
The courtscene was, well not really believable - unfortunately.
Also, no one would get 15 years for something like that.
Which again, is very unfortunate but that's how the world looks today.

And I'm very confused about the ages.
I guessed in the beginning that Frank and Gerard was 18 - since they graduated. It sure sounded like that.
Which would mean that Mikey is around 16-17. Or rather 15, but lets say 16-17. And how old is Michelle? Working as a nurse, she would have to be arund 18-19 if not older.
What does she see in a young lad like that?

"After dropping Mikey and Michelle back at their apartment,"
Wait, they've been together for what, a week? And they already live together? -confused-

So, things you need to think about when writing your next story:

Character development.
There's no fun reading about characters that stay the same through-out a story.

Plot development.
A few clichés can be used, cos it's hard to be completely original, but try to think about the plot before starting the story. Where will it start and end? What should happen in the middle? Etc, etc.

Grammar.
Can't be stretched enough I think. I know I've had some issues with it in the past, but hey, I'm working on it too!

Paragraphs.
Sometimes they got a bit messy, either making too long paragraphs or too short paragraphs etc.

Describing things.
Goes for everything really. Characters, rooms, emotions etc.
Like I've mentioned, you don't have any compassion with either Gerard nor Frank cos you don't know them. You don't know who they are, what they like, what makes them happy/angry/sad, you don't know what's going on in their heads most of the time. That's a big turn off actually.

And when you describe your characters well enough, so that the readers get to know them, it's more fun for both reader and writer. Cos then when the characters do certain things, the readers think "aah, I so get why he does that". If you know a character, you understand why he acts in a certain way. When you don't know them, you don't really care too much.

Bert McCracken.
Stay away from Bert, seriously. Unless it's vital for the story that he shows up, just cut him out of it. There's way too many stories where Bert shows up and is the bad guy. If you're making an MCR fic, and the Used shows us - sure have Bert, but then let Bert be Bert. He may be childish, immature etc, but he's no rapist nor an evil little man whose every plot is to ruin his ex boyfriends Gerard's new relationship.

So, I hope I haven't been too 'mean', even though I honestly don't think so. It feels like I've simply just been honest, and that's really good. Next time you write a story you can read these comments and think "ah! I shouldn't do that, I need to think about that, etc".

Really, no one can be brilliant with their first try. I'm pretty confident that when MCR first wrote Skylines and Turnstiles it sucked. Not even MCR can have had the first draft of the song all perfect. But they had each other to give hints, tips and "oh God, don't ever write that again" comments.

You, or I or anyone else here on mibba, have that. But we have each other, and we can help each other just as well. Practise makes perfect, and sometimes you just need someone that can let you know what you do wrong.

Rather that than just complain with no explanation.

Okay, so, if you're ever planning on writing another story, don't hesitate to ask me for tips/etc. Or if you want me to BETA. I'm here for your aid!

:arms:

Monster.:

"I stared down at the food listlessly, feeling slightly queasy. Gerard sighed, “I know you don’t feel up to it right now, babe, but you need to eat something. It’s gonna be a long day, and not just for you.”

I looked up at him, frowning, “What do you mean, ‘not just for me’?” I asked.

“Well, you know...” he mumbled, “It’s been hard on all of us, you know? We’re all a part of it, and we’re all trying to help you-”

“Well I’m sorry for dragging you down with me! You don’t have to be a part of it; you don’t have to help me at all! Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I just did it alone!” I said, my voice rising as my blood pressure started going up, and I could feel my face get a little hot.

Gerard looked taken aback and confused by my sudden outburst, but this only seemed to upset me more. “Frankie, you know I didn’t mean-”

“Tell you what; I’ll just go pack up all my fucking stuff, shall I? I’m sorry for thinking you cared about me; we’ll just pretend this never happened, because you know what? That’s fine. By. Me!” I screamed, and stood up suddenly, sending my chair flying backwards, and the toast and coffee spilling onto the floor by my feet. The plate and mug shattered, and the crumbs, butter and coffee spread out on the newly cleaned kitchen floor."

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what just happened xD
Why on earth is Frank angry? He has nothing to be angry about! If I'd been Gerard I would've just slapped him and left xD

I know, I probably would have done the same, but it wouldn't have fit with his character, and I think the whole argument plot had been a little used up.
Basically Frank had a diva moment :cute:

"I stared down at the food listlessly, feeling slightly queasy. Gerard sighed, “I know you don’t feel up to it right now, babe, but you need to eat something. It’s gonna be a long day, and not just for you.”

I looked up at him, frowning, “What do you mean, ‘not just for me’?” I asked.

“Well, you know...” he mumbled, “It’s been hard on all of us, you know? We’re all a part of it, and we’re all trying to help you-”

“Well I’m sorry for dragging you down with me! You don’t have to be a part of it; you don’t have to help me at all! Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I just did it alone!” I said, my voice rising as my blood pressure started going up, and I could feel my face get a little hot.

Gerard looked taken aback and confused by my sudden outburst, but this only seemed to upset me more. “Frankie, you know I didn’t mean-”

“Tell you what; I’ll just go pack up all my fucking stuff, shall I? I’m sorry for thinking you cared about me; we’ll just pretend this never happened, because you know what? That’s fine. By. Me!” I screamed, and stood up suddenly, sending my chair flying backwards, and the toast and coffee spilling onto the floor by my feet. The plate and mug shattered, and the crumbs, butter and coffee spread out on the newly cleaned kitchen floor."

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what just happened xD
Why on earth is Frank angry? He has nothing to be angry about! If I'd been Gerard I would've just slapped him and left xD

Monster.:

"I sat in the police car next to the female officer, who sat in between Jo and I. Jo was only just conscious, and had cuffs on, so we were safe."

Why on earth would they EVER put anyone in the back with someone they had arrested?
Sorry, I can't help but ask and giggle xD

Because they had government cut backs and only have one police car and there was only room in the back of it... 8)
And also, I'm retarded :cute:.
Oooh dear. :XD

"I sat in the police car next to the female officer, who sat in between Jo and I. Jo was only just conscious, and had cuffs on, so we were safe."

Why on earth would they EVER put anyone in the back with someone they had arrested?
Sorry, I can't help but ask and giggle xD

Monster.:

Right now I'm on chapter 23 and I'm not quite sure what happened. Everything happened so fast, and so sloppily and almost every cliché has been used so far.

Don't rewrite it!
That's my tip to you.
Learn from the mistakes you made with this story, take a new plot and make it better.
New characters, new everything.

Trust me, my writing used to suck - I don't even understand how people could bare reading it - but practise makes perfect. AND it's best to NOT go back and redo your work. Leave it in the past and learn from your mistakes.

:)

Oh..kay... I guess it was a little fast, and yes, very clichéd. :tehe:
Thank you.. I don't think I will rewrite it. I have too many ideas that are far more original than this one. :XD

Dude, if my writing is ever half as awesome as yours, I will be over the moon.

Thank you so much for the advice :arms:

Right now I'm on chapter 23 and I'm not quite sure what happened. Everything happened so fast, and so sloppily and almost every cliché has been used so far.

Don't rewrite it!
That's my tip to you.
Learn from the mistakes you made with this story, take a new plot and make it better.
New characters, new everything.

Trust me, my writing used to suck - I don't even understand how people could bare reading it - but practise makes perfect. AND it's best to NOT go back and redo your work. Leave it in the past and learn from your mistakes.

:)

Monster.:

"Please bear in mind that I was trying to look my best for Gerard, not the sleaze bag, Jo, who I was working for tonight."
Okay, suddenly Frank is talking to the reader?
Another thing that confuses the heck out of us.

Erm, what more to say?
Unfortunately with so few details, it's hard to feel any sympathy for anyone involved. We don't know the characters at all, and therefor we can't feel sad for them when they get hurt.

Something to think about probably if you write a new story someday :)

Thanks for the con-crit =)
Haha yeah... like I said, n00b :XD I hope the story I'm writing at the moment is somewhat better. Maybe I'll rewrite this one someday =]

"Please bear in mind that I was trying to look my best for Gerard, not the sleaze bag, Jo, who I was working for tonight."
Okay, suddenly Frank is talking to the reader?
Another thing that confuses the heck out of us.

Erm, what more to say?
Unfortunately with so few details, it's hard to feel any sympathy for anyone involved. We don't know the characters at all, and therefor we can't feel sad for them when they get hurt.

Something to think about probably if you write a new story someday :)

Monster.:

Okay, here's a few things I thought about whilst reading the first two chapters.

First of all, you confuse the whole time thing. Sometimes it's as if the story is being told after it has happened, and other times while it's happening.
I.e sometimes you write: "Frank then said" and other times "I'm too tired"
(I made those sentences up, I just used it as an example.)

And this:
"A tall guy in front of me licks my bare chest, but instead of cringing and moving to the other side of my pole, I smile seductively, knowing that’s how he wants it."

Actually, at places like that, or normal bars with girls dancing, you aren't allowed to touch the dancers. Sure, sometimes it still happens, but being a dancer like such, means looking - not touching.

And also, there actually is no need for "time elapse" to be written out. That's something the reader notices for themselves.

I do like that it's somewhat original though.
However, I don't like that we got barely any background before suddenly the two characters were all over each other. The readers don't know the characters yet, so it's hard to understand why they're in love etc.

Will keep reading now for a bit.

Edit:
Chapter 3: Oh no, no, no. Bert has been used so many times. The instant kill of any story is Bert showing up being an asshole.
If it weren't for the fact that we're friends, I'd leave this story right now.
But I'm giving it another go.

I know, I know. I hate the way I wrote this story :XD I was a writing n00b at this point. :tehe:
And thank you so much for your honesty, and thank you for continuing to wade through the crappiness. :arms:

Okay, here's a few things I thought about whilst reading the first two chapters.

First of all, you confuse the whole time thing. Sometimes it's as if the story is being told after it has happened, and other times while it's happening.
I.e sometimes you write: "Frank then said" and other times "I'm too tired"
(I made those sentences up, I just used it as an example.)

And this:
"A tall guy in front of me licks my bare chest, but instead of cringing and moving to the other side of my pole, I smile seductively, knowing that’s how he wants it."

Actually, at places like that, or normal bars with girls dancing, you aren't allowed to touch the dancers. Sure, sometimes it still happens, but being a dancer like such, means looking - not touching.

And also, there actually is no need for "time elapse" to be written out. That's something the reader notices for themselves.

I do like that it's somewhat original though.
However, I don't like that we got barely any background before suddenly the two characters were all over each other. The readers don't know the characters yet, so it's hard to understand why they're in love etc.

Will keep reading now for a bit.

Edit:
Chapter 3: Oh no, no, no. Bert has been used so many times. The instant kill of any story is Bert showing up being an asshole.
If it weren't for the fact that we're friends, I'd leave this story right now.
But I'm giving it another go.

OMFG WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LAPTOP?

xD YAY FOR HAPPY ENDINGS!!!

Uuuh... my laptop loved it so much it wanted to give you a bunch of comments?

So I've been away from Mibba for a stupid amount of time... so I returned today and found this.
OMG it's over? Really? Like really really? *cries*
I adored the ending though - so full of hope for the future =D

I've truly loved every minute of this and you should really be proud of it, it's amazing <3
All my love
Beth
xoxo

SNIFFLE.

NO MORE??

Ah well. This really was a fantastic story, and it must be wonderful to wrap it up so nicely. I'll be keeping an eye on your stories!! Let me know when that Mikey-Michelle one gets posted.

Seriously. Be uber proud of yourself for this one. I squealed all the way through it.

love--
Yourbiggestfanever.

I Just Read Your Whole Story Within, Three Days? I Believe.

I Loved It.

You Have Amazing Talent, My Dear.

I Just Read Your Whole Story Within, Three Days? I Believe.

I Loved It.

You Have Amazing Talent, My Dear.