The Crumbling Pyramid - Comments

Ray is just so nice it's icky.
But oooh, theatre. I'm actually quite excited for it to progress and everything, 'coz I don't know nothing about theatre, 'coz we don't have nothing like that, not really.

I love the characterisation (spelled wrong. Don't judge). Mikey's portrayed really well and for as long as I've known Annette, she's really grown into an awesome character too.
I also really like how you did the auditions scene. "Quiet Please!" "Thank you!" Ahh, theatre.

As far as critisism goes I have two things (trying to be helpful instead of just all praise like the dirt you walk on is holy) There was another part that was a type-o I'm sure when Ray and Annette are talking "I know I’m going to go a part" when she's talking about auditions.
Also, the PoV is a little hard to follow. I mean, I know it's third person so it can be, it just jumps around a hellova lot.

As always, it was spectacular and I really want to read more!

I loved it! Are you giving the freshies the tour next year?
The part with Freeman was great because it's unbelievably true. xD

There was one part where Annette was doing the tour and she said something weird. I think it was like "Okay where are what do you want to do?" Or something like that where it was a weird repetitiony sounding thing.

Other then that it was lovely and I can't wait for more!

I like owning your soul. Tehehe. :3
Lolz, she sat with Gerard and Mikey and Ray were just awkwardly there, kinda.
Nearing the end you kinda shifted into first person for a bit, then switched back to third....xD

Aww, I find Mikey kinda picky and mean funny. xD
He suits it though. haha

YAY IT IS UP AND IT IS AWESOME, I MEAN OF COURSE IT'S AWESOME IT'S YOU BUT STILL.

It really is, though. Chase and Anette are so cute and Anette is badass and cool and I was cheering for her when she went up to the bullies and was all CUT IT OUT I AM AWESOME YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME *bitchface* even though she was kind of scared of them. Chase is losing cool points by just standing there not doing anything, but at least he tried to stand up for his girlfriend, even if she's too badass to need his help. Also, Ray! Ray is adorable. They aren't used to people helping them out, that just makes my heart go all clenchy. I really wanna hug him. Is that weird? And Mikey, too, because even if it is kind of mean to shove someone away WHO JUST SAVED YOUR ASS FROM BULLIES, I get it. She's pretty much a complete stranger, A FUCKING PREP, someone he associates with the people who make his life hell, and accepting help from her would make him feel kind of shitty, especially since he's built up his defence to the bullies and he thinks he doesn't need anyone but himself, and maybe his friends who're in a similar situation. Which of course is stupid, but I can totally relate, so you know.

So, second chapter. Gerard! I love that Mikey fought back because they insulted his brother, fought back for his brother, not for himself. But even though they have big epic love for each other, they can still argue over comic book superheroes with the utmost seriousness. I love sibling relationships like that, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside. Frank's weariness with dealing with the brothers Way is kind of hilarious, too. Ray thinks Gerard is awesome! I really want to hug him. Like, a lot. Gerard is going to audition for the musical and everyone thinks this is hilarious! Okay, it kind of is. The mental image of Gerard in a leotard is one I will cherish because, damn, Gee would look good. Also I burst out laughing at I don't wanna make it. Yay references! I am still kind of sad he isn't going to be Sandy, HE WOULD BE AN AMAZING SANDY, but yeah. Mikey seeing Grease enough times to be familiar with it is also adorable. But, I do have something I need to say.

MIKEY YOU CANNOT CALL A GIRL WHO SAVED YOUR ASS FROM BULLIES A PREPPY SLUT. NOT COOL, MIKEY. NOT COOL.

Now I've got that out of my system yay Ray for still being awesome and telling Mikey off for being an asshole! And Frank for sort of standing up for her too. I kissed her in kindergarten, oh you little stud, you. Mikey clearly feared that they slept together because he was so insanely jealous of the thought of her with one of his best friends but he couldn't recognise it because he's silly and stuck on his PREPS ARE EVIL kick.

I don't know if you want me to point errors, but there were a couple of things I saw that looked off.
There was a group of boys there - there were a group of boys there?
glasses and black cloths - glasses and black clothes?
the be-speckled one - the bespectacled one?
Can we play instead of pissing about assholes like Andrew? - I don't know what it is, but it feels like there's a word missing here.

Anyway, yeah. I really love how this has started, how you've sown the seeds for the rest of the story, and the contrast between the start and end of the chapter is perfect for the tone of it. Really excited for the rest of it, now!

Oh and I don't get a shout out because I'm not ninja enough to comment on your first chapter before you got this one up? I think there's something seriously wrong with this. And after I've been sitting here giving you compliments when I should be writing.

Anyway, I love it. It's awesome to hear Mikey be all "What that slutty prep from the movie theatre?" So perfect. Can't wait fer more!

Ufgh. I love you Jennie, y'know?
This is just....first chapter in and I love it from the snippets you've posted on the thread. Lmfao.
xD