Welcome to Enlightenment - Comments

Firstly, I love the layout! It's simple, and it works perfectly that way. I'm a sucker for black/white layouts, I really am. And the summary is really good too. I love how it draws you right into the character, and it's definitely one of those summaries that makes you want to read on!
Okay, so chapter one. The first line really grabbed me, and I love the characters whole attitude towards philosophy. He told a friend who told another friend who told his second cousin who told his mother who shared it at her knitting group. I really loved this line, and I genuinely don't know why. It's just..so well written, and it, once again, adds to the who-cares attitude that the character seems to be showing with every sentence.

"...soccer mom's" should be just moms I think. If it should be that, the sentence just doesn't read 100% well. That's the only grammar thing I can come up with in that chapter.

Second chapter. The first line made me laugh, I don't know if it was intended that way. Not in a bad way, of course, it just struck me as something that would come out of any child growing up in the modern world's mouth. I absolutely loved the reference to The Lion King, it seemed to fit really well with the whole idea you're conjuring up. the women are poodles with opposable thumbs is quite possibly my favourite line ever. It's one of the best metaphors for explaining how done-up (for lack of a better phrase) a woman is in a long time. The last line springs a lot of questions in my mind.

I really feel you've got something excellent here, and I hope you continue! There's some really amazingly good writing in the first two chapters, and a serious amount of promise from the piece as a whole.

i love the layout, I think the picture fits well with the story. Damn I wish I could be an amazing writer like you, you're so good at it. I like the fact that he has this simple attitude toward life really. And of course, I loved the bit about Google and whatnot :p. I think I like this mostly because it's a completely different plot line then any I've ever read. He's so determined to kill himself, when most people try not to die. I really do enjoy this and I can't wait to read more. :D

OH WAIT I COMMENTED ON THIS LIKE FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO.

Cool. Well, I mentioned the layout... and how this is... uh, well, perfect beyond measure. Didn't mention the title though. I like it a lot because I like big words that draw out a title. It's interesting to me for some reason.

Okay, so chapter two, though.

First sentence and I'm sold. You're magical or something. The thought of Google not being able to help me is scary, actually. o.o

Why are you still alive, here, breathing? I adore that. *__*

Good god, I love the thinking patterns of the main character. It's sickeningly beautiful. Really, it's twisted.

(At this point, I'm like, Am I subscribed? ... No? WHY THE HELL NOT?!)

And at the end of the chapter, though I'm completely disturbed and confused and so freaking impressed by this, all I can think is... "who's Doug?"

Okay yeah but I'm subscribing

luv me.

This is awesome I really like the idea. :D

I like the banner too. This is a really cool idea and this is well written keep up the good work.

This is one of those stories that makes me think "Fuck, why didn't think of that?!"

God, the second chapter is much more spectactular than the first! I loved all of it! The Google thing, the lion king, his three suicide attempts. There is only one thing I'm confused about. Is he actually immortal and can't die or does he just have terrible luck when trying to kill himself? I'd like to see him take a bullet to the chest and see if he lives, then maybe I'll determine if truly is immortal. I was gladly await this back story and chapter three.

No flaws in this story at all. If it were a book, I'd buy it in an instant, so please write to your hearts content! :D

Lmao, I laughed when I saw the picture. It just totes reminds me of the wannabe tough kids that upload pictures of themselves onto Facebook with their pants sagging low and doing the all time classic middle finger in it to confirm how tough they are. And I just love from the summary, the narrator is kid of a woe-is-me pessimistic smartass without coming across as emo or anything, in fact he has a Holden Caulfield-esque vibe to him x]

HAHAHA. I just about died after reading this. You know, I'm a complete sucker for negative, fucked up characters with bad attitudes and they know it, I've actually been wanting to write a story about that for a long time but I couldn't ever master it as effortlessly as you do. And you know the part when he was talking about the philosophy quote and how it was probably written by an anonymous fuck who just got laid, I started laughing even harder. I was like, "Damn boy, who pissed in your Cheerios?" Also, I just wanna say that I hate it when narrators in the story talk to the audience when you do it, you make me like it. Probably because you write everything so effortlessly and it just jumps off the page. And word vomit? Puh-leeze gurl. Talk to da hand, it's freaking pure genius, that's what it is. Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say or it'll be meaningless bullshit. I adore the narrator and I love his wit and sarcasm and I hope you don't change it, it's refreshing to read about someone like this :D Anyway, off to subscribe, brudda <3

I'm going to straight-out say that I've never read Fight Club before, but reading this really makes me want to. This is very...interesting. Not interesting-bad, interesting-good. I knew the second chapter was going to be good when you started off with talking about Google. :) This is all think-y and profound; I never see things like this on Mibba, usually, unless I go looking for it and even then they don't match up to the excellent quality that Welcome to Enlightenment has. Kudos, man, kudos. I really can't wait to read more. :]

I LOVED THIS. The narrator of this story sounds like such a sassy BAMF – I adore him. I could tell by the summary alone that he was going to cop some sort of attitude, but his brilliance and depth caught me by surprise a little; he’s more than just a whiny school kid. He has his own deeply rooted opinions and he’s not afraid to tell you about them, no matter how much you might not want to listen (but I really do love listening, so in the end, we all win).

And oh lord, the way you describe the town Waterdale in the second chapter sounds like my hometown, with the men in fancy shoes and the women with tiny teacup dogs. No wonder Charlie is so sour and pessimistic. Our towns suck xD

I also like the way he keeps fucking up his suicide attempts. I was wondering about the whole “I can’t die” motif that kept popping up, and the way you answered that was so clever and funny, in a morbid sort of way. It was really well done!

Basically, I’m just totally hooked. Charlie’s narration alone is addicting to read because he tells things like it is, with no sugarcoated bullshit and no protective shield for the mind. Your sense of humor and sarcasm really shine through in his voice and it’s just so perfect for the story. I’m totally looking forward to the next part <3

That twas interesting. I kinda feel bad for this kid that I don't remember his name. He is so desperato. But man, he is some unlucky fellow. :o Well, lucky to some people since ya know, people like to live, but unlucky to himself, I guess? lol.
:)

I love the new chapter. I seriously wish I could write like you, your story is so unique and amazing. Keep up this good work. :)

Yes. Yes. Yes. I was pulled in from the start with the qoutes being on mugs and teenagers tattoos because I could just picture so many kids at my school.

I don't even know what to say, I never do when it comes to your writing because I can't even put into words how fucking lovely it is. The sarcasm, the realism, the dhxbfjsjfh. I'm aready falling in love with the narrator because of how snarky he is and just need to know more.

I also totally get how this was written after reading Fight Club too. I got a bit caught up in the subject after reading it too but more wanted to scrap everything I' written than write something as awesome as this.

First off, I love the simplicity of the layout. I don't know why but I feel like it's going to fit the tone of the story really well. Also, I love the summary. I don't know why but whenever I see lists in summaries like the one you did it makes me automatically become interested in the story :D I love the sarcasm behind this and your style of writing. I feel like I can completely agree with what the character is saying about the inspirational quotes and how people react to them. I can relate to him because of the way he's so against people buying into the new trend for no reason other than it's a new trend, and I found that I can see myself as the character except for wanting to die and not being able to die.

Definitely subscribing, I loved it :D <3

I really like the layout. It's nice and simple, but still elegant and easy to read. I like how the color of the guy's sweatshirt perfectly matches the background :) For some reason I just find that thrilling.

I found myself completely agreeing with what he was saying in the first paragragh. I find any kind of inspirational quote to be incredibly annoying, especially when eighteen-year-olds tattoo quotes across their collarbone or something. First of all, I find collarbone tattoos to always look tacky and out-of-place. I also hate when people try to seem wiser than they really fucking are.

Personally, I feel like inspirational quotes get spread around more often by Tumblr, but that's just my opinon. It seems like just about everything you find on Tumblr is either a funny gif, a creepy pornographic picture, or an inspiration quote typed onto a field of flowers.

There is a mistake in this sentence I saw - the last sentence in the fifth paragraph: This amazing perspective on life has opened their eyes, the world is clear, the world is there’s. I'm almost certain that there's should be theirs. It's an easy mistake to make, though.

The bitterness of the main character is kind of annoying to me, but it's just how he thinks, and I'm sure he's a nice person when he's not ranting. But after a while I thought that he himself needed to get laid.
I agree with what he's saying about wanting enlightenment and waiting for it, but never getting it. I feel like it's somewhat similar with something that happens to me a lot. I feel like I'm on the verge of a big breakthrough where everything makes sense, but then I can't piece it all together and I'm just confused and I give up. Is it similar to that? Possibly, but I'm not sure.

I think there's another little mistake in the last sentence of the seventh paragraph. But bitter and jealous, yes, but that never makes for getting laid. I feel like there should be the word up between makes and for. I could be wrong, though.

At some parts of this story I found myself completely seeing where he was coming from, and at some parts I was really lost. He was explaining more that people try to shove this kind of stuff down your throat, whereas I think it's more of a personal desperation to find it, and other people can only taunt you with it slightly, but never shove it down your throat.

Will this turn into a chaptered story? I think it'd be good either way. It'd be a good one-shot, and if you can develop a plot around this, then I'd like to take a look at it. I feel like it'd be really easy to develop this guy's character because of his current attitude, haha. He's so bitter and...rude, so it'd be easy to slowly mold him into a nicer person or a more accepting person. He's intelligent, though, that's for sure.

Good luck with developing this, if you plan to :) It's a really good piece. Very fast-paced and passionate.

I like this vomit. Against its bitter message, I find it enlightening. x3

So, for some reason or other, I found the layout to be... plain. But, that's not what I'm here for, no?

I do believe I saw a word used incorrectly. Somewhere towards the middle, you ended a paragraph with the word "there's." In context, it should have been "theirs." Because you are talking about multiple persons, not a place's belongings.

Moving on, I agree with the Philosophical bull shit thing. Nirvana is said to be nearly impossible to reach, merely because we are always searching for it in hopes of having it, when instead we're supposed to let it grace us, blahblahblah... It's BS. Which you firmly stated, though using a different Philosophical statement.

This character intrigues me. I mean, with all honesty, I like him. (Tis a him, right? Seems like a him to me.) Although, it irked me we didn't get to learn his name. I like knowing names.

>m> That didn't sound weird.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I have to know if he dies eventually. Oh, and a name would be cool, too.

Holy sweet balls.

The layout I must say is nice. I was like, "I hope there's not a giant picture of guns" and it's nice and classy. As the guy faces backwards he is like saying fuck you. To the world and socitey.
You used many metaphors and silimes. That was well in your case since you made it in serveal paragraphs not to dumb down the readers.

I like the way that his is saying, I want to die. But then I can't fucking die.
Like he has to live for something. Its like you ripped this right from the persons mind and sprawled it out into amazing words.
Nice I can say and I'm happy you didn't ride it up with older vocab bullshit. That you made it raw and it worked. It basiclly was blunt and honest. And how fight club is.

Good job. I love the way the character is protrayed like he won't hide the truth.

That's really interesting to read. I don't like how you compared it to vomit from your brain onto the keyboard, its so much better then that!
I like how its kind of a rant. The tone of your voice really comes across well. I actually laughed to myself at the 'knitting groups and second cousins' part.
I liked it!

Wow, if this is what your brain vomit is then by means you should vomit all the time.

This was one of the most fascinating pieces ever. I'm a person who loves to develop the characters that stand out and you my friend, just completely made a character I will never forget. I like that he permanently has a middle finger and speaks his mind. This was witty, comical, and excuse me for saying this but... enlightening. I think that this story has a lot of potential so I truly hope that you continue with this. I am really glad I chose this for a comment swap, because I am definitely going to keep up with this story. Post in my comments when you update! :)

I liked it. I get the message. I hope I am not wrong! It made sense and the ending about people wanting more and more you are so right.
I am swaping for
Missy's Sleepover

Okay, so, DID YOU LOOK INTO MY BRAIN OR SOME SHIT? Despite the, y'know, wanting to die thing. I quite like life right about now. The narrator is very bitter, sarcastic, and cynical and I like it a whole big fucking lot, kapeesh? You always intrigue me with everything you write, Gabby. Always. You could rewrite Mary had a Little Lamb in ye old English and I'd read it and love it all of the same. By god, I would.

I like how they think that philosophy is utter bullshit, but yet a lot of what they said is based upon philosophy and very. . . I don't know how to describe it. Ironic, maybe? Ironic seems like a fitting word for it. I like it. Though with the seriousness, you always add in a touch of nice humor, NICE HUMOR IS ALWAYS NICE, GABBY. But yeah, I'm really in love with this and I may leave my boyfriend and Ronnie Radke so I can run away and elope with this story. I don't know how they'll take it, but I adore this. And I adore you. And I adore your writing style. UPDATE THIS SHIT SOON, YO. PLEASE. :D