Deal - Comments

I am loving this :) great first chapter girl, keep it up!! :)

I don't really have time to read it right this second, but I'm going to subscribe because I'm really interested as to what this story is about because of the name, it's a good thing when the name of a book draws someone in like that, I'll read it as soon as I possibly can and tell you what I think after.

Aha! I knew she was a stripper! (Sorry, I'm just happy with my keen sense of...well you know. I'm content.) Anywho, I feel that the layout is a bit distracting as there is so much space between the words and paragraphs. but that's just a personal choice. Other than that, the story was decent. I didn't see grammatical errors, which was nice. Also, I liked the emotion from Candy in the shower. That was well done.

Layout;
I like the layout, though I'd prefer smaller writing.

Chapter One / Prologue;
After 'are' on the third paragraph, there should be a comma instead of a period. In fact, you often do that after speech. "This is how," the speech should be.

Overall though,I thought it was fast-paced and exciting. I do love the story, and hope that I've helped in some way.

Okay let me start out by saying I love the layout. I’m already drawn in and I’m getting an idea of what your story may be about. Your little summary is just enough to get me engaged in what I am about to read. I am in love this. I’m so into this. I am subscribing and begging for more and I have only read the prologue. Haha. I actually like how you space the lines like that. Whether it is intentional or not, it kind of gives my eyes a nice break seeing how I am going blind by reading a million stories every day. I love the background you give on Candy. I like to know where these characters are coming from before you just jump into the good stuff. You write very well and give good details so I can picture it in my mind which is good. I cannot wait to see where you take this. I hope you update this soon and it is not just some story you abandoned. I saw a few grammatical errors but I usually over look those. We can’t get all the errors out of our stories, no matter how many times we reread them. 8) Over all I really enjoyed this. 8)

This is a very interesting story, it has the ability to leave us wanting more. I love the scene where she's breaking down in the shower. It really shows how much she loathes herself. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Well must say not what I was expecting. I feel the story line has potential however I also feel that the Prologue lacks the emotion you’d expect from scene of such intensely. Can’t help but wonder how candy got into the situation she’s in, well you give hints of her past without giving much detail however you can make a higher educated guess. They layout gives a different feeling than the story although I think it’ll fit in as the story progresses. I really like the idea but the delivery could be a little bit better.

I find this story really interesting. I would love to see where it was going to go. Your description of the club scene is really well done, your characters are believable and I definitely like Miguel the best so far. My one turn off is that Candy has such an abused past. This has become a major cliche lately and I'd really like to see some more original causes for character's motives.

~~~~~~comment swap~~~~~~
Well, um, this story seems like it'll be a rather intriguing read, although it's not my favorite kind of story, but yeah. The only thing that you might want to check is the grammar and punctuation, like where you say: "I told you, I don't know. I haven't heard from them in weeks, I don't know." she managed to choke out in between her quiet sobs., it should be "I told you, I don't know. I haven't heard from them in weeks, I don't know," she managed to choke out in between her quiet sobs. Commas tend to come in handy sometimes. I can't wait to see what you do with this. Good job.

AH it seems great! I love the way I get just sucked into in the scene. If this is only just the prologue, can't wait to read the chapters. The layout gave me just that feel of "the street life" and I've just gotta see where you go with this. It's really interesting and I can't find anything wrong with it.

Okay, I LOVE it so far. I actually felt a little scared when I read the prologue. It is a really awesome idea for a story. The detail is amazing, well for a prologue. I respect if you want to wait to describe the characters in the first chapter. There is one error that I did see.

"All Candy could do was curl up and crying, wishing she could just get away and go home."

It should be:

All Candy could do was curl up and cry, wishing she could just get away and go home.

There were a few more tensing errors and compound words, but you should be able to pick them out.

It just makes a bit more sense. I am so going to subscribe to see what happens.

So very interesting summary and first chapter. It sounds very interesting and gives a very movieesque feel to it. However i also feel like the prologue was just an elongation of the summary. I would have liked to know more about Candy herself and how she got to be in the position she was it. There were also a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but nothing a quick revision can't fix. Keep going!

I love the summary, because it's so raw, and it definitely gives a feel of what the story will be. As for the background image I don't like it, simply because of the copyright text.

Her heart beat began to race even faster, if that was even possible.
It's "heartbeat".

How could he have got her into this mess?
It's "gotten".

and her stomach was doing a hundred back flips a minute.
- "Backflips".

All Candy could do was curl up and crying,
- "Cry".

Wanting nothing more than this all to be a nightmare,
- The word "for" should be added between "than this".

It's an intense scene but it lacks a lot of emotion and soul, in order for me to really be pulled in. Your dialog is not properly formatted according to Mibba rules (article here) and there are some grammar errors and this disrupts the flow. But the storyline has potential.

Let me start off by saying… I LOVE THIS!! :D I mean, it’s short but it gets you dragged in right away because you start off with an edgy and emotional beginning. The summary even kind of made me think of a movie-like scenario, which is good. The first chapter, you mentioned is a prologue so I think the length is just fine. I only found two little bitty details:

1.- How could he have got her into this mess? ( maybe HOW COULD HE HAVE GOTTEN HER INTO THIS MESS? Sounds a bit better? I dunno).

2.- sending waves of pain all through out her already broken body. (it’s throughout :B)

And as for the layout… I kinda like it… it seems as if it is going to suit the story quite well, maybe just a few little changes here and there..  anyways, I am totally subbing. Looking forward to more ;) good luck!!