Lucifer's Angel - Comments

@ Firefly Alchemist. I would love to be a beta for you! I don't know how you want to go about doing it because I've never been a beta on Mibba before, but I'm up for it.

@ Usako
Thank you. :) There is a reason for Elizabeth's sudden death. It'll make a bit more sense as it gets into it. The purpose there was to really send James even more overboard.

There will also be a bit more description in the next chapter.

As far as the grammar goes, would you mind being a beta for me to maybe fix some of that stuff? That is, of course my weakest point, being as I have had very few grammar lessons in school, most of what I know is what I've learn from other writers.

Thank you very much for the comment, I appreciate it. :)

I love this world you have created; the combination of your writing style and the said world have given off a certain HP Lovecraft vibe, which is something very difficult to do I have to say. The way you throw the reader into the world head first heightens this, and it leaves the reader to scramble out of confusion much like the characters do. It leaves much to the imagination, but that is a good thing to be desired so that they will continue to read on. However, I am somewhat on the fence about Elizabeth's death; it seemed so sudden! While we are still in the "prologue" of the story, was there purpose for her death or was it just for shock value? It might be something to think about it in your future writings: comparison of shock value deaths and deaths with purpose. I struggle with that myself sometimes.

Other than that the characters very developed in the story. Their dialogue and who they are as people are very real even in a fantastic world. All I would suggest is to perhaps give a little more description here and there, but not too much to over due it. If you did that, it would really enthrall the reader into your world completely. It would make it even more real.

Even though you said you hadn't really checked it over, and you can probably guess where this is going, your weakest point is grammar and mechanics. The way you structure some of your sentences and use an abundance of adverbs slow the flow of the story. I caught quite a few errors, but I'm sure once you check over it, everything will be okay!

By the way, I love the misanthropic bits. For an empathetic person like me, thoughts like "How do you feel knowing you are nothing but a speck in the existence of the entire universe, hm?....You must be a stoic solider, at all times, isn’t that right? You are nothing more than a pawn in a game set to over throw the king." are very shocking, but all the more enrapturing for your story. It really sets the mood and tone.

@ Donghae.
Thanks. :) I'm glad you think it's really original. Where was the mistake? I'll fix it.

Comment Swapperoo
I have to admit, when I read the first chapter I didn't know what else to think other than the fact that...wow, you know how to write my dear. This isn't a story I stumble upon everyday. Actually speaking, it's very original and I've never quite read anything like this c: I only found one mistake but everything else was great. I'm going to recommend this

@ Frozen December Moon
Thank you. :)

@ Yumho.
Thank you. :) Do you think I got it... emotional enough?

I like it. Really interesting and already has some action in it.

Woo! Nice start! :D