I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“All the small things. True care, truth brings. I’ll take one lift, your ride, best trip. Always, I know, you’ll be at my show. Watching, waiting, commiserating.”- Blink 182

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“Chiz, they’ve just gone onstage,” Sisky informs me as he enters the bus. He looks surprised to see me sitting here. I glance at the time, realizing I had lost track of it while I had been on my laptop.

I quickly close my computer and jog off of the bus towards the venue.

I’m glad that there’s a side entrance to the venue I found earlier that no one knows really about, so I can slip inside unnoticed and without interruption.

I flash my pass and head for side stage as soon as I’m inside.

I sigh in relief; they’ve only just started the first song on today’s set list.

“I'll always have a sunrise.
I'll always have a sunset.
I'll always have the ocean,
To help deal with these emotions.
And there'll always be a highway
That's running through the desert.
In Southern California…
But all I really want is you.

All I really want is you…”

I watch her sing her heart out; fascinated by the way she can be so open and honest on stage. I know who this song’s about, no one has to paint me a picture or spell it out for me.

It really amazes me the way she can put herself out there without fear of judgment.

“There’ll always be a hole
In my heart that’s shaped just like you.
And there’ll always be an empty space
In everything that I do…”

I smile as Rae starts chatting incessantly into the mic a few minutes later, as soon as Seb’s guitar riffs fade into the background and the song ends.

I’ve been watching their set every night, regardless of whether we played our set first or they played theirs. Tonight we’re playing last, so I hadn’t really been paying attention to the time until Sisky pointed it out.

I don’t care if the guys make fun of me for it. I just like watching her at her best, giving two hundred percent on stage, for the band. But that’s how she is. Rae gives her all to whatever she values most. It’s why I knew she needed a break from me all those months ago, so she could give as much as possible to the record, and now it paid off. I was right, and now it’s a bittersweet victory for the both of us.

At the same time, Rae’s intensity and dedication is what made me fall for her in the first place.

Sure, when we first met through William, there had been that initial magnetism. She has this charisma that makes her instantly likeable to anyone and everyone. She’s attractive in a subtle way, sort of the opposite of Suzie. Rachel’s not what you would call an open book, outside of her writing, that is. She always manages to keep me guessing.

It’s what made me ask her out. I didn’t want to risk the possibility that one of those sleazy guys that always tried to talk her up after the shows would steal her away before I had a chance to get to know her.

I was relieved to discover that Rae wasn’t much of a flirt when it came to these guys, although I did get jealous at times, usually when they tried to “congratulate” her after shows. She simply brushed them off.

I never overreacted, however. I always trusted Rachel and never doubted her in our relationship. If she told me something, I believed her. It was as simple as that. We had no reason to lie to each other. I would do anything for her, even if it was something as menial as taking her garbage out or going grocery shopping with her. The guys always said I was whipped, but I was just careful.

I tried my hardest not to upset her in anyway. I hated seeing her sad or mad, even when someone else was to blame. It hurt me even worse when I was the one upsetting her, so I made sure I tried not to. If something I did bothered her, she told me so, and vice versa. Sure, we had our moments and a few rough patches, as everyone does. But for the most part, it was easily the best relationship I’d ever been in, and the only one I ever want to be in again.

I knew I would be hard-pressed to find another girl like Rae out there, and I knew I’d never do any better. Everything had been perfect.

Until I ruined it.

But I shouldn’t dwell on the past or my mistakes.

I snap out of my thoughts and watch as Rae notices me watching and shoots her amazing smile my way. I grin back and her eyes seem to sparkle under the spotlights.

My smile fades away as she turns her attention back to the crowd and I remember that I’m her past.

But I still believe I can be her future.