Do You Think You're Up For This?

“I can see you in my mind, but I can’t see you all the time. And I know we’re gonna make it through. They’ll see you in my eyes.” – Pistol Youth

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After spending the day running multiple errands and packing, we pick up Suzie and Mike and drive to O’Hare.

We check in our luggage then head towards the security lines, stopping a few feet away from the line.

“Hey, can we talk?” Mike asks Suzie. She nods, and they step out of earshot to speak quietly.

I hug Michael, resting my face in his chest and inhaling his scent.

“Take care of our baby,” he smiles sweetly, when I raise my head. He leans down to have our lips meet.

After a few minutes, we’re interrupted by Suzie coughing in exaggeration.

We pull apart grinning and I peck him once more on the lips and give Mike a quick hug before trailing behind Suzie in line.

“I hope you know that you two are nauseatingly adorable,” she informs me distastefully, as we go through security.

I roll my eyes but don’t say much else until we’re in our seats, waiting to take off.

“Did you work everything out with Mike?” I question, before she can put her earphones in.

“No,” she admits. “We’ll talk once I get back,” she adds, sighing and looking out the window. “We’re still together, just…on break…kind of…” she trails off, shaking her head.

I open my mouth to say something, but I’m not exactly sure how to reassure her and by now she’s turned on her ipod so she won’t have to talk about it.

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I hide my exhaustion behind a grin as the camera flashes.

“Thanks so much!”

“No problem,” I smile, as the girl runs off to join her friends. I continue making my way back to the bus tiredly, the smile fading as I realize how exhausted I really am.

I get a snack and relax in the front of the bus until everyone’s back inside for bus call and it’s time to leave.

I go to the back of the bus to change into more comfortable clothes before climbing into my bunk.

I lie down and listen to the low, inner rumblings of the bus as it travels down the highway.

I rest my hands on my slowly growing stomach.

I’ve grown a slight bump over the weeks we’ve been on tour so far, although it hasn’t been obvious on the road except to me and Suzie, mainly since I’ve taken to wearing looser clothes and hoodies onstage.

I obviously know the fans will find out sooner or later, but I want to keep it quiet for now so Michael and I can savor the few private moments we’re allowed in this lifestyle, especially with both our bands’ increasing popularity. But when it comes down to it, I won’t deny anything if asked.

I close my eyes, wishing I could feel Michael’s warmth and arms around me, in addition to hearing his sweet voice or him messing around with his acoustic guitar that sits in our living room.

I hear Seb, Jude, and our merch guy arguing about stupid things in the front while Suzie and Wes try to get them to shut up.

I turn off the light in my bunk and lie there as I wait for sleep to come, listening to everyone else having a good time up front and in the back of the bus.

I sigh; I wish I was doing the same, but I’m too tired and it’s not like I can drink anyways. I’d just ruin their tour fun.

I try not to think about it, but the reality of the situation hits me forcefully.

This tour’s been different than any I’ve ever been on; the shows take so much out of me every night that I barely have enough energy afterwards to talk to the fans before I pass out from exhaustion in my bunk.

It’s not as fun as it usually is, but I feel like I should savor the moments onstage and off, considering we don’t even know when the next tour will be.

My bunk’s curtain abruptly whips open and interrupts my thoughts.

“You sure you don’t want to join the party?” Suzie asks hopefully, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet. I give her an apologetic look, feeling guilty that I haven’t been my normal self lately.

“Maybe tomorrow night,” I offer. “I’m literally about to pass out. I’ll just call Michael and go to sleep. ”

“Okay,” she sighs, sliding the curtain closed.

One thought plagues my mind as I dial home.

If I have to, am I ready to give this life up?

“Rae?”

His voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Hi,” I murmur back softly, shifting onto my side to get more comfortable.

“How was the show?” he asks.

“Good. But I miss you,” I add.

“You already know I miss you too,” he replies. “How have you been feeling?”

“Fine. Just really…tired,” I say, closing my eyes and willing myself not to start crying and getting pregnantly emotional for no reason.

“You shouldn’t stress yourself out so much, Rae,” he tells me, his tone quickly turning concerned.

“I’m fine. It’s just…different now, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighs. “I wish…I wish I could be there for you.”

“You are here for me,” I assure him, holding back a yawn. It escapes anyway.

“You should sleep,” he adds. I yawn again in response.

“I want to see you,” I continue, ignoring the sleepiness that’s threatening to overtake me. He laughs.

“We can do webcam tomorrow,” he suggests. “Good night, Rae. I love you.”

“I love you,” I answer, hanging up and letting my exhaustion take advantage of me.