Us; I love that

I’ve been in the hospital for a full two weeks now. I still don’t have my memory. I do, however, have many visitors. Mom, Dad, Eric and Grammie come every two days. Denise, Joe, Paul, Kevin and Frankie come every few days. Abby, Mike, Carey, Jamie, Lisa and Ron have come at least five times. But what made me smile was that, every day, Nick came. Every day he’d bring me something special. He’d give me flowers every couple of days. He brought pictures of us with each other or just me when I was younger that he had gotten from my mom or grammie. He brought chocolate, which he said I loved. He found one of my old camera’s and showed it to me. He bought me a stuffed animal once too. I kept it right next to me on my bed. It was like my cuddle toy now. he asked me what I named it and I said Jerry-that made him smile, but I could tell he was sad. he was sad because I couldn’t remember anything we did. I couldn’t remember the fight he got in over me or the fights I got in over him. I couldn’t remember when we first kissed or when he comforted me when my gramps died, which was horrible since I didn’t even know I had one. I couldn’t remember when we got in that accident. No matter how many times I asked him, he wouldn’t tell me this one thing; what was it like when we had sex. he wouldn’t speak of it, or when he did, I could see the tears in those deep eyes. He said that he couldn’t ever explain to me how much it meant to him and I knew it killed him to know that I couldn’t remember that special time for us. He said that he didn’t know what I thought of it, but I think I thought it was amazing, no matter what he says. I smiled to myself, but sighed remembering that he hadn’t really hugged me much while I was here. He barely held my hand and he never kissed me… and I could completely understand why. Even though he was, or is, my boyfriend, I don’t remember… so those acts of love were useless to me, although I’d like to know what his kiss felt like if his touch was so powerful.

I heard the door squeak open, revealing Nick. I could never stop the smile he brought to my face when he came. Every day he’d come at the exact same time. If he was late, he’d apologize aimlessly, but I didn’t mind… as long as I could see that familiar face. I often had dreams about him, but it was pointless. Just his angelic face. He gave me a sweet smile as he closed the door. I noticed a case in his hands-a guitar case. I cocked my head, letting my bangs fall over my eyes as he came closer.

“Hi,” I chuckled a bit, pointing to the case. He gave me a bright smile that made me melt. I was lucky enough to have him-but I couldn’t remember why or how.

“You bought me this for Christmas. I thought you might want to see it…” he trailed off, setting the case down in the chair. He turned around, opening the latches. I watched his curls bounce as he bent down slightly, grabbing it gently. I watched his muscled flex as he carefully set the case down to the floor before turning towards me. He pushed his sleeves up a little, holding the guitar in his hands and coming forward-his eyes sparkling. I couldn’t stop the smile as he held it out to me. “This is one of my favorite things… partially because it came from you, but I love it,” he admitted shyly, giving me an encouraging smile. He had gotten pretty much adjusted to having to explain things to me, but I could still tell it hurt him sometimes. I lifted my hand to touch the smooth surface.

“can you play me something?”

He smiled slightly, grabbing the guitar and moving to sit in the chair. He cleared his throat slightly I heard him start strumming something and it sounded so familiar. He closed his eyes and let his head fall before he started singing.

When you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me, everything’s alright… when you’re right here by my side…

I felt my mouth drop at the sound of his voice. It was… so perfect.

And when I hold you in my arms, I know that it’s forever.
I just gotta’ let you know, I never wanna’ let you go…
And when you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me…
Everything’s alright, it’s alright
When you’re right here by my side, by my side…
Cause’ when you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of heaven…
I find, my paradise…
When you look me in the eyes…

His strumming slowed and finally stopped. He looked up and sighed, giving me a weak smile.
“That’s part of the song I wrote before you moved… you ended up coming back, but you said you loved it,” he whispered.

I smiled. “I could see why… you have an amazing voice.”

He nodded, setting the guitar down. “I uh… I wrote you a song, yesterday. On the piano…” he said shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. I felt myself smile as I watched his adorable gestures.

“You did? Can I hear it?”

He smiled. “I’m not sure how it sounds on the guitar, but I can get my keyboard… Joe put it in the car,” he chuckled.

“Please,” I begged excitedly, sitting myself up to it cross-legged. He nodded, hurrying over to the door. I couldn’t help but think how that song sounded so familiar. Like… I knew exactly where it came from-but I couldn’t see it right now.

Nick came in a few minutes later, holding the keyboard. It wasn’t large… but it looked expensive. He gave me another shy smile before sitting down and putting the stand.

“What’s it called?” I whispered.

“Black Keys,” he answered quietly, looking down at all the keys in front of him. He glanced back up and started playing the keys.

She walks away, the colors fade to gray.
Every precious moments now a waste.
She hit’s the gas, hoping it would pass, but the red light starts to flash, it’s time to wait.
And the black keys… never looked so beautiful and a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull.
And the lights out, never had this bright of glow and the black keys… showing me a world I never knew. No. A world I never knew.

He barely started and my eyes were already watering.

She hates the sun, cause it proves she’s not alone and the world doesn’t revolve around her soul.
No.
She loves the sky, cause it validates her pride… never lets her know when she is wrong.
And the black keys, never looked so beautiful and a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull.
And the lights out, never had this bright of glow and the black keys… showing me a world I never knew.
No. Yeah.
And the walls start closing in…
Don’t let em’ get, inside of your head.
Don’t let em’ get… inside of your head.
Don’t let em’ get, inside of your… head.
Don’t let them inside…

I took a shake breathe, letting a tear fall as he looked right at me with so much meaning in that angelic and powerful voice.

Cause the black keys, never looked so beautiful…
And a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull.
Oh.
And the lights out… never had this bright of glow and the black keys-
Showing me a world I never knew…
Don’t let em’ get, inside of your head…
Don’t let em’ get… Inside of your head.
No.
Don’t let em’ get, inside of your… head.
Don’t let em’ get… inside of your-head.
Don’t let them inside… of your head.

I had to control my sniffling as he finished up.

Sometimes a fight… is better black and white.

I watched as he let his fingers linger on the keys and he closed his eyes, letting his head drop again. I squinted my eyes, trying to get a clear glimpse of his face through my hazy eyes. I swore I saw a little strip on his cheek glisten. He was… crying. I let out a whimper, causing him to look up, wiping away his tear quickly.

“I-”

“That was… beautiful. Amazing…” I cut him off, watching his serious expression .”That was for me?”

He nodded slowly, pushing the keyboard away and standing up. “I want you to remember,” he begged quietly, looking at the linoleum. “That has a specific meaning… black keys.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What does it mean?”

He took a deep breathe, glancing up at me. “Everything that we know… it’s-it’s gone for you. Everything would be so much easier without all of the color… if it was just black and white, you and me… nothing would be bad. Everything would be fine and I could tell you that I love you without having to worry about what your thinking when I say it… without having to know that you don’t feel the same. I could just-if I could just… hold you again and tell you that I’d be there, then everything would be so simple and I… I just, I can’t handle this anymore…” he said quietly, taking shaky breathes in between. His eyes were smoldering as he bit his lip, shaking his head. “That song is saying that nothing matters to me but you-you and me, that’s how it is, but everything else just gets in the way. Before this… we looked at all the color-the rainbow-and everyone thought about how beautiful it was. But you don’t remember how beautiful you are to me… you don’t remember how that rainbow looked. And right now, all I see are those black keys. When I look at you, I see that’s something so beautiful… you just don’t know how simple this should be. I should-I want-to hear you say you love me and I want you to mean it. I don’t want to stand here and watch you try to remember just because you know how I feel. I don’t want to see lights or rainbows. If all I can get are black keys and lights off, then I’ll be okay… if it meant that you’d just know. And I can’t do this anymore,” he finished, watching me with so many emotions.

“W-what does that mean?” I begged, not understanding.

“I’m saying that I can’t be here anymore. I can’t watch this happen. You won’t remember me… I don’t think you’ll ever realize how much I love you and that when I come here, it’s not just to see if you’re okay. I come in with these… these hopes that maybe you woke up thinking about me. That maybe I’m the one you see. That maybe, just maybe, you can just see everything again… but every time’s the same. I’m living in this world of my own-a world that revolves around you, Mitchie. And I like it that way, but it isn’t the same. My world revolves around your soul and you don’t even know who I am. You showed me a world I never knew and you don’t even know it. I don’t want to be here if you don’t care.”

For some reason, those words really got to me. I couldn’t picture myself in this hospital everyday without him here. I couldn’t picture myself finally getting back into a world that I didn’t even know without him. I couldn’t remember, but for some reason… these images were trying to break through me. “Nick,” I whispered, wiping away my tears. He looked at me with this expression… I didn’t understand. I cared deeply for him. Just because I didn’t remember our past doesn’t mean I don’t love him. It’s insane, but for these last two weeks of trying to remember, he always gave me this feeling. A feeling that made me just think about him and no one else. To just forget that I didn’t know my life and that with him was where I should be. And that’s all I wanted. “Will you come here please?” I begged, scooting over and patting the spot next to me. He watched me hesitantly before slowly coming over. He watched my hand patting the spot next to me before he let out a sigh and started to climb in next to me. I swallowed some of my tears and let my hand push my bangs away. “I don’t want you to stop coming. I look forward to seeing you everyday…” I admitted sheepishly, staring into those pools of brown.

“I just don’t want this to be a waste of time…”

“It isn’t. I want you here.” He nodded, looking down at my hands. I moved them up, his gaze following with confusion. I set one on his face gently, taking in the feel of his soft skin. He let his lips part slightly and his eyes blink a few times before settling on my face. We hadn’t really touched at all… so this was new to me-the feeling. “I-is it always like this? Did I always get this feeling?” I whispered, searching his mysterious eyes.

“I don’t know… but I know I did,” he answered with a weak smile. I moved my hand down his jaw line and to his chin, gripping it gently. He watched my intently as I smiled to myself, bringing my other hand up to his chest. I set my hand over his heart, feeling the fast beat and almost steady breathing. I saw his hand twitch with hesitation. I glanced into his eyes and gave him a small smile, feeling my cheeks get warm. I saw his hand move up slowly, grazing my cheek with his fingertips. My eyes closed at the contact, leaving me breathless as he continued the movement down to my neck, bringing his other hand to gently touch my other cheek.

“I miss this,” he whispered, causing me to open my eyes slowly. “I… I just miss holding you.”

I closed my eyes again, letting my hands drop. He did the same quickly, obviously thinking he did something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do, but I did what I wanted. I moved my arms around his torso, pulling him into me before setting my head on his shoulder and taking in his sweet scent. I felt him tense up in surprise before feeling his hands slowly touch my back, pulling me just a little bit closer. All I could hear was his slow breathing and that calmed me. I loved the way he held me… and I just felt like I was missing something. I moved my head up, locking his gaze. And I knew I wanted to kiss him. I watched his curious eyes before he moved a hand to my face, gently caressing my cheek with his thumb. I think he read my eyes because he started leaning in, getting my heart to flutter. I acted quickly, knowing that this was hard for him. We’ve kissed hundreds of times and each time was forgotten by me. I closed my eyes, feeling his warm breathe on my lips. And that’s when I felt the electricity. I felt that spark as his lips placed themselves on mine. They were so soft and gentle. He moved them slowly… unsure of himself, but I knew that I liked this. The way I felt safe made me know that I loved him. I froze, my eyes snapping open. He pulled away quickly, letting me go as his face became worried. I felt my mouth hang open and my breathe quicken as my head swirled. Goosebumps were forming as I took a deep breathe. I… I knew I loved him. And I remembered. My breathing picked up along with my heartbeat. I remembered walking into that school, locking those eyes. I remembered running into him in the hallway and how his touch felt. I remembered that voice when he asked me to go to the party as more than friends. I remembered that first kiss… on the dance floor. I remembered how he said he’d be there…and he was there. I remembered the way he said he loved me for that first time. Memories flashed through my brain. When I read those first two songs, when he sang them to me, finding out about his diabetes, the date he gave me those dog tags, when he shouted out his love for me, when he kept me safe, when he opened up and cried in front of… the way he made love to me. I shut my eyes tight, remembering every aspect of those two times. The way his hot skin stayed on mine and the way his electric fingertips grazed over me. The way his soft lips moved so urgently and lovingly and the way he said he loved me. The way he was so gentle… I remembered. I remembered in one instant when his lips met mine for the first time in two weeks.

“Nick,” I said, awe evident in my voice.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asked quickly. I directed my gaze towards his angelic face.

“I… I remember.”

His eyes became blank as he stared at me in disbelief. “You… you…” he stammered, unable to speak. He probably thought I was lying, but everything just rushed into my mind.

“You bought me that purple dress to wear on our second date. The night you gave me this ring… you asked my dad-” I smiled at the memory, “And when you made love to me…” I shook my head. “That song you sang, before Black Keys, you cried. You cried with me because I was leaving. You gave me these dog tags on our first date… while we ate cotton candy ice cream…”

“Mitchie,” he breathed out, watching me in awe. I saw a slow smile reach his lips-his eyes showed amazement.

“And I love you, Nick. I really love you,” I sobbed, feeling myself crying. His arms wrapped around me quickly, pulling me into a tight a hug. I heard him sigh.

“I love you. I-I love you so much, Mitchie,” he whispered, burying his face in my neck. I gripped him tight, afraid that he might just disappear.