I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

Alex and I sprung apart as if someone had shot at us. I refused to look up. I just sat there on the couch while Alex jumped to his feet and assumed the role of, well, protector.

“Are you going to explain to me what the hell you think you were doing, Gaskarth, or am I going to have to talk to Jack?” Matt’s voice was calm. I hated that about him sometime. He was always so calm, whether he was angry, whether he was sad, whatever. I wanted the guy to lose his temper, just once. Prove that he was a human and not a fucking robot.

“I don’t have to explain anything to you, Matt. I’m your boss, not the other way around. There are plenty of other managers out there.” Alex’s voice dripped a mixture of icicles and venom.

Matt’s face didn’t change. “That may be true, Alexander, but it’s not so easy to replace a girlfriend, now is it? Especially one that’s having your baby. Did you even think of this before you started taking advantage of Barakat?”

Alex sputtered at him. “Taking advantage of Jack? Me? He’s the one who started it! Do you honestly think that I’d do that if I thought it wasn’t what he wanted?”

The next thing I knew, Matt was jerking me to my feet. “Do you have anything to add to this, Jack?” He hissed. He was close to cracking, I knew, and the thought made me shiver.

“Yes. I want to say that I think of Alex as more than a friend. I care about him more than Lisa ever has. If I hadn’t, do you honestly think I would have endured all of this for as long as I have? I’m talented and good looking; it’s not hard to find a new band. But it’s sure as hell hard to replace the person you love, and the friends you THOUGHT loved you.” My voice alternatively cracked and grew stronger, and by the end was coated in sickly sweet poison.

“That’s just fine and all, Jack. But what about Lisa, you know, his pregnant GIRLFRIEND?”

Alex intercepted this question before I could even think of an answer. “She may be pregnant and it may be mine, but we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. Otherwise, we’d trust each other, we’d spend time together, we’d be honest with each other, and damn it, if we were really in a relationship, we’d love each other! This whole thing has always been about how convenient it is and sex.”

Matt dropped onto the couch with his head in his hands and breathed deeply, in and out. “I don’t know what to tell you guys. I really don’t. I can believe that maybe it wasn’t real for you, Alex, but Lisa … you can’t say you don’t owe her, no matter what.”

“I never said that I wouldn’t take care of her and the baby. I just am not going to stay with her out of any reason other than I want to. I’ve seen it done, I’ve seen the fucked up products we call today’s youth that are a result of families forcing themselves to stay together for a child’s sake. Do you think it’s easy on them, knowing that their parents don’t love each other, knowing that it’s their fault that their parents torture themselves on a daily basis? I don’t.” Alex’s fury was hovering behind his words, and I knew that he was thinking about one of our closest friends in high school, who’d attempted to kill himself for that very reason.

Matt looked at us. I’d moved closer to Alex, and he’d reached out and taken my hand in his. “Do you know how many kids kill get tortured for being gay? What do you think would happen if they grew up in a gay household? They wouldn’t be any better off.”

“I hate you, Matt Flyzik.” This came from me, my voice dangerously cold, my hands shaking, and then I fled the room, waiting just outside the door.

“Then Lisa can raise the motherfucking kid on her own! I’ll give her money; I’ll give her all the damned money in the world. Because I would never, ever be able to look at that baby and love it the way I’m supposed to knowing that it’s part of Lisa.”

“I don’t care what you do about the baby,” Matt said. “But you and Jack is another story. You’re not going to be having a relationship while you’re both a member of this band, do you hear me? I may not own you, but the record companies made you, and I can make sure they destroy you.”

I could feel the fury radiating off of Alex. I’m surprised it didn’t melt the walls. “Well then, in that case, go and find a new singer. I quit!”

Alex stalked out of the room. He stopped when he saw me, quivering, and wrapped his arms around me. “Don’t worry, Jack, it’s okay.”

I couldn’t help it, I cried in his arms. “No, it’s not okay. It’s either lose you or lose the band that means everything to me. I can’t choose. Don’t make me choose.”

Alex stroked my hair and comforted me the best he could. “You’re not going anywhere, Jacko. I’ll leave, if anything. I’m the one committing the crime, I’m the one cheating on Lisa and not being a father to a kid who isn’t even born yet. You’re not doing anything wrong. All you did is love me, and love is not a crime.”

I looked at him and pulled him closer. “If you go, I go, Alex. I can’t stand it. I don’t even want to be here. Let’s just tell Rian, I’m sure he’d be okay with it, and then let’s just run away. Let’s go back to being four teenage guys practicing in our parent’s garages, not caring about anything but each other. Before we knew it was serious as a band. Before we had girls. Because maybe if we go back, I could tell you back then how I felt and then none of us would be in this stupid mess at all.”

Alex looked at me in surprise. “You’ve had feelings for me all this time?”

“I don’t know. I guess so. It makes sense, you’ve just always been special.” I blushed. “I mean … I used to sneak looks at you when you changed and stuff, I loved watching you sleep, I hated any girl who touched you. I didn’t think much of then, but it’s starting to all make sense.”

Alex grinned at me lopsidedly. “You’re aware that you just quoted a song, aren’t you?”

I grinned. “Damn straight.” And then the grin subsided. “We can’t lose the band, Alex. We can’t involve anyone else. We need to figure this out for ourselves, we need … we need time. Space.”

Alex’s face dropped. “Are you saying you want to break up with me before I even have a chance to ask you out?”

I looked at my feet. “No. I’m saying … we need to bring Matt around. But first, we need to convince him to let us tell the others on our own.”

A perplexed expression covered my boy’s face. “He’ll never go for that.”

“That’s why I’m going to tell him that we won’t do anything anymore. That we agreed that it’s best to not see each other. And then, of course, we still see each other in secret, be more careful this time, and tell the others and have them help us bring him around.”

Alex looked at me like I’d grown three heads. “Matt will never fall for that. And if he does, he’ll hate us for lying. And what about Lisa? What am I supposed to do about her?!”

His words of wisdom didn’t have an effect on me, as I was already out the door and calling for Matt.