I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

“Lisa, I absolutely refuse to name the baby Mildred. That’s so … old fashioned! A baby named Mildred. Ugh.” I shuddered over the choice of names that Lisa kept throwing my way. Mildred. Agnes. Wilma. Did she not realize that we were in the 21st century?

“What do you propose, then, Alex?”

“Serena? Olivia? Ruth, if you’re determined to go for something older fashioned.”

She rolled her eyes heavenward. “My god, Gaskarth, you’re so dense. Those names are just plain. They don’t stand out; there are thousands of kids named that already. Don’t you understand that your daughter is going to be a legend, whether you want her to be or not? Just get with the program, the sooner you realize that she’s going to live in her daddy’s shoes, the easier this will be.”

In case it’s not obvious yet, Lisa has just recently found out that she is expecting a little girl. Jack insisted I go with her to the ultrasounds, and now that she wanted a baby naming session, Jack has so kindly made himself scarce again and left me alone with the Mama Monster (no insult meant to Lady Gaga, of course). But Lisa had become a monster. She lived and breathed this baby, and she was going to damn well make sure that I felt the same way. She would show me pictures of different booties, the same except for one white star, and freak out when I said they were both nice. She constantly tried to talk to me about breast feeding versus bottle feeding, or casually informed me that her vagina was leaking. I don’t know how I was once turned on by this woman. Even a straight man would be a little turned off by all these disgusting details.

“Ugh, Lis, the baby is going to be who it wants to be, it doesn’t matter who I am, or who you are. The name’s not going to make a difference. If you want to go by names, the only one that really matters is Gaskarth. It could be named Ann, the plainest name in the word, and people would still freak because of Gaskarth. And that’s what’s bothering you, isn’t it, the fact that people are going to love my baby because it’s mine?”

I hadn’t meant to sound so bitchy and mean and … well, selfish. But Lisa brought out the worst in me. We were going to be the worst parents on earth if we couldn’t even pick out a name for our child without squabbling like a pair of two year olds. I watched her eyes darken with hurt and then lighten to the ice cold color of fury. I almost blocked my ears, because I knew I was going to get a tongue-lashing.

“That’s the most selfish thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth, Alexander Gaskarth. I meant that I want our daughter to be original. I want her name to reflect the intelligence she’ll have, the future she’ll hold, the people she’ll befriend, for crying out loud. There’s no need to make this about you and your fame, we all know that you’re famous and I’m just the groupie famewhore girlfriend who got knocked up and stole your spotlight.” Her voice grew in octaves and she got more and more worked up. I knew somehow that this wasn’t good for the baby, so I got up and put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

She pushed my hand away with more strength than I’d realized she had. “No. Don’t touch me! Don’t try and make me feel better; don’t pretend you really care, because you don’t. I know that you don’t! Pity isn’t going to erase the fact that you don’t feel anything for me, anything at all, you’re a heartless-“

“Lisa.” The harsh word made her antics stop. “This isn’t good for our baby.”

Her hands became claws as she suddenly slapped me, hard.

“OUR BABY!? This baby isn’t yours, Alex. It’s MINE. You won’t acknowledge her, you call her an it. You won’t talk about her in front of your friends. You don’t want to make any decisions at all about her upbringing. I’m pretty sure the only reason you want this baby is because you’ve seen that having babies is good for fame. Look at some of your friends, their prime examples! But then again, look at what happens. Fat cows like me trap them into marriage, and a few years later, they’ve lost it all. Their fans, their wives, their children. You all are just fuck ups.”

She stomped around the bus, and grabbed a guitar. She waved it at me menacingly. “You know what, fine. You don’t want to be a part of this baby’s life, then don’t! I could care less. But have fun, when 15 years down the line, when this baby is hooked on crack and living in a box and selling favors on street corners because her daddy didn’t love her enough, have fun trying to live with yourself.”

Tears rolled down her eyes as she turned to look at me. “You can drop me off at the Boston stop next week. For now, I’ll make myself scarce. Not like anyone would notice, anyway, as you spend all your time with Barakat. I hope he makes you happy. That was one thing I never could do.” She spun and ran out of the room.

I sat there in shock. I hadn’t realized any of this, ever. I guess … I guess this meant that I didn’t feel a connection to the baby. I knew why. It wasn’t mine and Jack’s . I guess I was just scared that I wouldn’t be able to love the baby because it wasn’t a part of my life. Not really.

I was still sitting there with my head in my hands when Jack came into the room.

“Hey, Lexy. Are you okay? Lisa just ran screaming through the bus that she’s leaving, that we can all celebrate because Gaskarth’s whore isn’t going to be around anymore. She even said something about not bothering to buy gifts for the baby, because none of us would get to see her, you included.” His dark eyes were filled with sympathy, love, and acceptance. I could lose myself in them forever, the rich dark chocolate ovals that clouded over with emotions at the sight of me.

I managed to snap myself of out my trance and answered Jack’s question to the best of my ability. When I was done, he sat there, pondering. I loved it when he thought, his eyes darkened and his eyelashes brushed his cheeks. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. Surprise colored his face, but he leaned over and kissed me back softly on the lips.

“I love you, Jack.” I said. I’d said this a thousand times today, and I’d say it a thousand times again. I love you Jack. I love you Jack. I love you Jack. I was pretty sure I could write a song just using those four words. It would be the truest song I’d ever written.

Jack’s pretty face studied mine for a minute. I felt self-conscious, and rubbed a hand over my face. Jack laughed. “You look fine, Lex. I’m just … just thinking.”

I was curious now. I took my boyfriend’s hand in mine. “Whatcha thinking about, cutie?” I asked in a playful voice.

He shook his head at my tone, indicating that this was serious.

“Well … Alex, don’t take this the wrong way. But Lisa has a point.” He held out a hand to stop me, even though my brain was too busy registering what he said to consider speaking. “I mean … what if you just let her go now? Let her walk away and take the baby with her? What if, 15 years from now, something has happened to her? What if she did need you, what if she did want you, but you weren’t there? Could you live with that? I couldn’t. Or worse … what if something happens to Lisa and you’re stuck with this baby? She’d be living with a stranger. Worse. She’d be living in a strangers’ shadow. This girl isn’t going to care that you’re Alex Gaskarth, lead singer of 4 album, 4 piece worldwide famous pop-punk band from Baltimore, Maryland. She’s going to care that you’re Alex Gaskarth, her daddy and her best friend.”

I shook my head. I think Jack had a point; he just wasn’t making any sense.

“Jack, are you sure you don’t want to just raise this baby on your own? Seems like you know more about this parenting thing that I do.”

“I just don’t want you to miss this chance, Alex. Some of us would kill for this chance, you know.” His voice was sad. “Besides, are you really going to deny me the pleasures of watching this baby grow up because you’re scared?”

I couldn’t believe it. “Deny YOU the pleasure? Who do you really want, Jack, me, or this baby?”

“Both of you. I already love this baby, Alex. It’s like my own.”

I don’t know why this pissed me off so much. I guess it was the fact that Jack was willing to accept the baby and I wasn’t. I was a train wreck.

“Go have your own baby. This one’s mine and I’m not going to let you take it from me!” My voice cracked at this last sentence.

“I know that’s what you’re scared of, Alex. That you’re going to lose this baby somehow. I won’t let it happen.”

I growled. “You can’t do anything, Jack. It’s my baby! It’s Lisa’s baby. Ours. Not mine and yours ours, me and Lisa ours. You can’t accept the fact that you’re never going to have a proper family! You’re in love with someone who is always going to be tied to other people, your family is scattered around the world and doesn’t give a damn about anyone but themselves, and you can’t have kids because girls don’t interest you! Don’t go feeling bad for me. Feel bad for yourself.”

I saw the spiraling eyes that I loved so much go black. There was no other word to describe the total lack of emotion. It was like I’d snuffed out a candle or dropped a blanket over a lamp. It happened with the same element of surprise as a streetlight blacking out a whole street, and with the same effects. I was lost.

By the time I’d come to my senses and realized how much I’d hurt the other half of my heart, he was nowhere to be found. And my heart was just no longer there. Maybe all I was good for was hurting people.

I cried out for Jack that night, but he never came. No one did. If I was alone the rest of my life, I would deserve it. That’s me, Alex Gaskarth, heartless asshole.