I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

I stared from a distance. The TV was on, and Alex was absorbed in something, scribbling on paper, chewing on the pen, and every so often, ripping up a paper and starting all over. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to him. Everyone else was out doing whatever, and I’d stayed back because I knew Alex was staying, Lisa had told me. She really wanted us to talk.

I couldn’t make myself approach him, though. So I hung back, admiring him. I couldn’t even do that when the others were around, because they would feel sorry for me and hustle me off to do something else. They didn’t understand that I wasn’t upset when I was watching Alex. It was the one time I truly felt happy.

“You might as well come in.”

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that it took a few minutes for Alex’s words to register in my head. When they finally did and I looked up, he was looking at me, his tongue tracing his lips. He waved me in, and cleared off the space beside him. I guess that was as good of an invitation as ever.

I walked over and perched on the couch beside him. “What are you working on?” I asked, leaning towards the papers.

He snapped them away from me, and I cringed. “Never mind, then.” I muttered, and leaned the opposite way from him, folding my arms.

He looked at me and his eyes melted. “Awww, hell, Jack,” he said, leaning towards me and taking my hand. “I’m sorry. Lisa wants our vows to be custom … and I didn’t want you to see them because it’s not right, you shouldn’t have to see my writing my pledges to anyone but you. It’s bad enough you have to hear it once.”

I gave in to temptation and leaned back in his direction. He opened his arms and caught me to his chest easily. I never wanted to move, I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to stay right here, forever. But it wasn’t that easy.

“I want to be involved in your wedding, Alex. I want to be a part of your life. I … I felt the baby move the other day. It was a miracle. I can’t throw it all away, I can’t hate Lisa or Is- the baby,” I caught myself in time. “I certainly can’t hate you. Don’t do this, Alex. Don’t throw up walls now, because I don’t have the energy to break them down right now.”

Alex dropped his head onto mine. “I know. Damn it, I know. I’m sorry, again. I just … I just … it’s not you who I’m worried about breaking; I know you’ll have the strength to get through. You’re a survivor, you’ve been fighting all of your life for what you want, and I sure as hell don’t expect you to give up on me without a fight. But me … I’ve never had to fight for anything, and I don’t know how. I’m scared I’m going to get up there and blow it. That I’m going to tell everyone that I’m only marrying Lisa for the baby and my mother’s wishes, and that I’m in love with you. The truth just doesn’t fit into any of this anymore.”

I knew that feeling all too well. I was keeping Lisa’s secrets, I was keeping Alex’s secrets, and I was keeping my own damned secrets. This is the part where I should be breaking down, but I wasn’t. Even if I wasn’t as strong as Alex gave me credit for, I’d die before showing my weaknesses.

“I know, Lex. We just need to make the best of it. If the truth does come out … I guess we’ll find out who really loves and supports us.”

We were quiet as we both thought of how many people we had to love and support us. All of our band and crew. The fans. Alex’s parents ( I know his mom just wants him to be happy). Lisa. Even though once the whole truth came out, Alex might not be on speaking terms with her anymore. If he was even on speaking terms with me.

“Lisa was the one who pushed me to talk to you,” I confided. “I was … scared, I guess.”

Alex looked at me. “You and Lisa seem to be pretty friendly. Go figure you’d get along now, when I don’t care what you think about her anymore.”

“I’ve been talking to her because you don’t want to tell me anything that’s going on anymore with the wedding,” I said. “And besides, you do care what I think of her. You may not be IN LOVE with her, but you still love her as a friend and you would be upset to hear that the guys had been thinking of bleaching her clothes or dying her hair a horrible color because they blame her for our being separated.”

As I predicted, slight anger flicked over his pretty features. “What happened to that idea? Since I assume it hasn’t happened.”

“I told them in no uncertain terms that they weren’t going to do it. I think I kind of scared them with my intensity but I guess it got the point across since it hasn’t happened. I feel bad for Lisa, you know? And I guess I do like her … I just never took the time to know her, and with being thrown together like this I didn’t have a choice and I regret being such an asshole to her, you know? I got to make up for it now.” I said, a slight smile covering my lips.

Alex smiled too. “At least I don’t have to worry about you killing her,” he joked. “But … I’m guessing she told you I wanted you to be my only best man.” There was no question in his voice, just a statement.

“Yeah. And I would love to, Alex. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do – except marry you myself, of course.” I said, and despite the fact that it felt wrong, I leaned over and kissed him on the lips softly.

“One day,” he said, and kissed me back.

I looked him straight in the eye. “I’ll hold you to that.”

He looked me straight in the eye. “I’ll hold you to THAT.”

We both laughed, and laid there, the TV blaring but neither of us hearing anything except each other’s breath.