Status: Complete. Read the sequel :)
I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint
8: You think with your ***.
I was shocked to the core by what had just happened between me and Jack. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t see straight, either, because I didn’t notice Lisa standing there in some skimpy lingerie, striking a playboy pose and licking her lips. I walked right by her and threw myself onto the bed, burying my head into the pillows.
A few seconds later, I felt a weight on my ass and two hands starting massaging my neck. I groaned and squeezed my shoulders tight, forcing her to stop.
“Go away, Lisa. I want to be alone right now.”
She made a sound of outrage. “Why?! All you’ve done since I’ve gotten here is hide yourself away, be with your band planning stuff, or pining over that stupid Jack. Didn’t you miss me?”
Just hearing her say Jack’s name sent a fresh wave of guilt racing down my spine. It was my fault, what had happened. I’d encouraged it. I knew Jack had been feeling vulnerable and I’d pushed him into doing something he didn’t want. He hadn’t stopped me, because he was afraid that I’d turn away from him again. Tears seeped out of my eyes into the pillows. I’d probably all but ruined our friendship. I would never be able to look at Jack again. I never even wanted to look at myself again. I was a whore. I’d messed around with my best friend.
“Leave. Me. Alone.” I managed to get out. I felt the weight recede from my body. My hands stretched out and grabbed the blanket, yanking it over my head so that I was engulfed in darkness.
I had messed around with Jack. The one person who’d never done a thing to hurt me, and yet, I’d used him like I used everyone else around me. I used the guys (but that was okay, they used me too), it felt like I was using Lisa for just sex much of the time (but that was okay, too, because she obviously wasn’t complaining), and we all used our fans to get us where we needed to go (but that was a give and take relationship, so it probably didn’t even count). Jack, on the other hand, was special to me. As my best friend, we didn’t take each other for granted. It felt like I had used him in the worst way possible, taking pleasure from him, leaving him without even an explanation.
A sobering thought cut me off from my self-loathing. What if Jack had given more meaning to our interlude than he should have? The guys often joked around about his sexuality, but I’d never given it a thought. I guess it was because I didn’t care. To me, he was just Jack and that’s who he would be, no matter whom he liked to fuck. I still would support him no matter what, but I couldn’t have him … couldn’t have him what? Falling for me? I shook my head. Get a grip on yourself, Alex, I scolded. Nothing life-changing happened. He helped you get off. It was like a … mutual masturbation session gone wrong, that’s all. No need to worry.
I didn’t do a very good job of convincing myself, though. I would just have to make sure that Jack understood that it was a one-time thing, never to be repeated or mentioned. I wouldn’t go as far as to classify it a mistake, because let’s face it, one regrets mistakes and I didn’t regret what happened. I wouldn’t either, as long as me and Jack’s friendship was still intact.
****************************************
I must had fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, it was dark outside and my stomach was growling. The clock beside me read 8:34. Damn. I’d missed supper. Struggling out of the bed, I grabbed my iPod and made my way to the kitchen.
Jack was sitting there with a cup in front of him, totally oblivious to anything else. His head was down, I wasn’t sure if he noticed me or not. I moved quietly, not wanting to attract his attention.
“I know you’re there, Lex. You can’t hide from me forever.”
Guiltily, I turned to face him. “I wasn’t hiding from you. I just didn’t want to bother you. You looked peaceful.”
Jack looked up at me then. His face was strained, his eyes were red, and he looked like he’d aged 10 years in the space of a few hours. Guilt began dancing even more heavily across already strained wires.
“Aww, Jack.” Forgetting about food, I dropped down into the chair beside him. “I’m sorry. I’m an ass. I shouldn’t have left before we talked about what happened … I’m a dick.”
Jack looked at me, a hint of a smile on his face. “You THINK with your dick, that’s for sure.”
“Guilty as charged.” I stopped. I didn’t really want to talk about this anymore, but I had to be sure that Jack was okay with it. He seemed okay with it, he did. But looks could be deceiving; I’d learned that the hard way.
“Are … are you okay with what happened?” I asked softly. I couldn’t look at him as I waited for his answer.
I felt his hand on mine. “Lex, look at me.” I obliged. His eyes bore into mine. “I’m okay with it. Don’t beat yourself up over this. We were both horny, that’s all. I’m sure it’s not the first time that this has happened with a bunch of guys on tour together, and I’m sure it’s not going to be the last time it ever happens. Chill, okay?”
My eyes watered. “I’m sorry I’m acting like such a girl. I just … I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend over some stupid, teenage behavior. You’re worth a lot more to me than that, Jack. I love you.”
Jack entwined our fingers and pulled me closer until my head lay on his chest. “I love you too, Lex.”
A few seconds later, I felt a weight on my ass and two hands starting massaging my neck. I groaned and squeezed my shoulders tight, forcing her to stop.
“Go away, Lisa. I want to be alone right now.”
She made a sound of outrage. “Why?! All you’ve done since I’ve gotten here is hide yourself away, be with your band planning stuff, or pining over that stupid Jack. Didn’t you miss me?”
Just hearing her say Jack’s name sent a fresh wave of guilt racing down my spine. It was my fault, what had happened. I’d encouraged it. I knew Jack had been feeling vulnerable and I’d pushed him into doing something he didn’t want. He hadn’t stopped me, because he was afraid that I’d turn away from him again. Tears seeped out of my eyes into the pillows. I’d probably all but ruined our friendship. I would never be able to look at Jack again. I never even wanted to look at myself again. I was a whore. I’d messed around with my best friend.
“Leave. Me. Alone.” I managed to get out. I felt the weight recede from my body. My hands stretched out and grabbed the blanket, yanking it over my head so that I was engulfed in darkness.
I had messed around with Jack. The one person who’d never done a thing to hurt me, and yet, I’d used him like I used everyone else around me. I used the guys (but that was okay, they used me too), it felt like I was using Lisa for just sex much of the time (but that was okay, too, because she obviously wasn’t complaining), and we all used our fans to get us where we needed to go (but that was a give and take relationship, so it probably didn’t even count). Jack, on the other hand, was special to me. As my best friend, we didn’t take each other for granted. It felt like I had used him in the worst way possible, taking pleasure from him, leaving him without even an explanation.
A sobering thought cut me off from my self-loathing. What if Jack had given more meaning to our interlude than he should have? The guys often joked around about his sexuality, but I’d never given it a thought. I guess it was because I didn’t care. To me, he was just Jack and that’s who he would be, no matter whom he liked to fuck. I still would support him no matter what, but I couldn’t have him … couldn’t have him what? Falling for me? I shook my head. Get a grip on yourself, Alex, I scolded. Nothing life-changing happened. He helped you get off. It was like a … mutual masturbation session gone wrong, that’s all. No need to worry.
I didn’t do a very good job of convincing myself, though. I would just have to make sure that Jack understood that it was a one-time thing, never to be repeated or mentioned. I wouldn’t go as far as to classify it a mistake, because let’s face it, one regrets mistakes and I didn’t regret what happened. I wouldn’t either, as long as me and Jack’s friendship was still intact.
****************************************
I must had fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, it was dark outside and my stomach was growling. The clock beside me read 8:34. Damn. I’d missed supper. Struggling out of the bed, I grabbed my iPod and made my way to the kitchen.
Jack was sitting there with a cup in front of him, totally oblivious to anything else. His head was down, I wasn’t sure if he noticed me or not. I moved quietly, not wanting to attract his attention.
“I know you’re there, Lex. You can’t hide from me forever.”
Guiltily, I turned to face him. “I wasn’t hiding from you. I just didn’t want to bother you. You looked peaceful.”
Jack looked up at me then. His face was strained, his eyes were red, and he looked like he’d aged 10 years in the space of a few hours. Guilt began dancing even more heavily across already strained wires.
“Aww, Jack.” Forgetting about food, I dropped down into the chair beside him. “I’m sorry. I’m an ass. I shouldn’t have left before we talked about what happened … I’m a dick.”
Jack looked at me, a hint of a smile on his face. “You THINK with your dick, that’s for sure.”
“Guilty as charged.” I stopped. I didn’t really want to talk about this anymore, but I had to be sure that Jack was okay with it. He seemed okay with it, he did. But looks could be deceiving; I’d learned that the hard way.
“Are … are you okay with what happened?” I asked softly. I couldn’t look at him as I waited for his answer.
I felt his hand on mine. “Lex, look at me.” I obliged. His eyes bore into mine. “I’m okay with it. Don’t beat yourself up over this. We were both horny, that’s all. I’m sure it’s not the first time that this has happened with a bunch of guys on tour together, and I’m sure it’s not going to be the last time it ever happens. Chill, okay?”
My eyes watered. “I’m sorry I’m acting like such a girl. I just … I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend over some stupid, teenage behavior. You’re worth a lot more to me than that, Jack. I love you.”
Jack entwined our fingers and pulled me closer until my head lay on his chest. “I love you too, Lex.”
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Awwwww, I loved writing this chapter (: