Let's See What You're Not

Shim

I lay back, staring up at the stars and trying to find a way to get myself out of this mess. I'm in way too deep with Mark. I admit that I really like him, but he’s way too good for me. I think his dad wants to kill me as well. If he didn't know I was on the streets, things could’ve been different, but because he knows, he’ll probably assume I was trying to rob them. Finding a homeless guy in your house must mean something will get stolen. The scary thing is, although I didn't steal anything physical, I might’ve took something more important than that from them...

Mark.

He sounded like he’d willingly go against what his parents were saying if they told him to stay away from me. Why would he disobey that? I'm not worth it.

I really am a home wrecker, aren’t I?

I wonder what they said to him. Do you think he would’ve stood up for me? He must like me at least a little bit, but I'm not sure if that’d be enough. If he did try telling them I'm a nice person, then I honestly think he shouldn’t have bothered. I'm not a nice person. All that lie will do is make him look bad when I eventually prove to his family how horrible I am.

It’s a calm night. The sea is quiet and there’re no signs of another storm coming. That was the first time I’d been outside during something like that. Sometimes I forget that people aren’t the only dangers when you sleep out on the streets. The biggest threat is actually my surroundings in general. Everything is out to get me. Everything.

At some point I must’ve managed to fall asleep, because the next morning I awoke having a huge smile on my face. I dreamt about Mark. That hug was all I could think about.

In a groggy state I grabbed my stuff and headed off the pier. I was going to the public toilets. Recently, I gave up on keeping clean, but I want to be now. I want to impress Mark.

I smiled as I smelt the shirt I was wearing. Mark.

The nice smell of my new friend disappeared when I walked into the restrooms. I forgot how bad it reeked in here. I attempted to hold my breath as I washed my face in the sink, but I had to breathe at some point.

“God,” I coughed, hating where I was.

This is horrible.

I couldn’t be in there any longer. Screw being clean, I’d rather breathe without feeling like death.

Frizz and Black Beard saw me when I walked out. For once it actually felt good to see them. I was worried about them last night. It’s the first storm there’s been since meeting them and although I hate them, I didn't want them getting hurt in it.

“You guys alright?” I asked.

“Yeah kiddo. You were lucky though,” Frizz told me.

“Tenting, ay?” Black Beard smirked.

“Very lucky,” I mumbled.

I'm not as happy to see them now though.

“Oy, next storm, stay with us boy. The lad coulda raped ya or anythin’”

“Ay. It’s not safe to go off with strangers. Some of ‘em are right wrongens,” Frizz explained.

I didn't bother to tell them that I knew Mark. I’d rather they thought I was even more alone than they were. I'm not sure why, but I think it’s safer that way. I don’t want to risk them bothering Mark.

“I'm alright without you guys,” I told them. “Thanks for the offer.”

“Ha, you’ve got no choice. We’re no monsters, kiddo. If you die out there, it’s on our shoulders. Practically murder, right?”

Black Beard nodded in agreement.

“Whatever,” I mumbled, walking past them now.

“Where’s you off to?”

“School,” I shouted back.

I'm glad they’re okay after last night, but they’d be less annoying if they weren’t around anymore.

When I got to school, the few people who were outside as early as I was were giving me really dirty looks. What have I done now?

“Excuse me?” a little year 7 boy asked in his little year 7 high pitched voice.

I glared at the kid. What gives him the right to talk to me?

Just as I was about to walk on and ignore him he made me stop dead in my tracks.

“Are you really a hobo?” he asked me before giggling.

His friends over in the corner of the playground started laughing along too.

I grabbed hold of his collar and lifted him up off the ground. I’ll wipe that dirty smirk off his pathetic face!

“Who do you think you are?!” I shouted at him, tightening my grip on him.

Just like that he burst out into tears. I dropped him out of shock.

What was that?

Why was he crying? I didn't hit him or anything.

I stood and watched as he ran over to his friends, crying his eyes out. One of them put his finger up at me but I didn't do anything about it. I felt bad. I'm not meant to feel bad. What’s happening?

They were laughing at me. I had to do it. It was his fault!

I groaned and walked inside.

I hate kids.

Why would he think I was homeless? I look clean today. Mark gave me new clothes and I had a shower just yesterday morning. I even cleaned my face! One of his friends probably dared him to do it. It must’ve been a coincidence that what he said was true. He was messing around; he couldn’t actually know it was true.

No one else was inside, no other student anyway.

My plan was to roam around the corridors until the bell rang, but I was stopped by the annoying woman who stops me most of the time.

“Shimon!” Mrs. Morgan shouted as she rushed over to me.

I couldn’t look her in the eye anymore. She saw me cry. My horrible maths teacher saw me cry.

“You should’ve told me,” she said, sounding distressed as she wrapped her arms around my frail body.

I pushed her away instantly. Are teachers allowed to hug us like that?

“What are you on about?” I asked her in a tired, confused voice.

“We would’ve helped sooner if we knew you were on the streets. Is that why you’ve been doing so badly? Why didn't you come to me?”

My eyes widened in shock and fear. She can’t know. No one can know.

I didn't know what to do.

Without thinking I quickly turned around and started trying to walk away from her. As soon as I did that she grabbed my arm.

“Don't touch me!” I screamed at her.

The look on her face showed she was worried. Why is she worried about me? I'm not her problem!

I tried running away but when I got to the end of the corridor I ran straight into Coach Carter. I fell down. Running into him was worse than running into a brick wall.

All I could do was pray that he didn't know as well.

“What’s going on here?” he asked when he saw Mrs. Morgan chasing after me.

If he doesn't know the real reason, then he’s bound to think something weird’s going on between us. I don’t care if he thinks she’s a pedo though. She deserves it.

“She touched me,” I hissed, glaring at the older woman.

Coach Carter helped me up onto my feet and gave Mrs. Morgan a confused look.

She looked furious when I told him that.

“This is hardly the time for your stupid games, Shimon,” she snapped at me.

“What’s going on, Moore?” he asked me.

I knew it was hard for him to be nice to me; he’s always hated my guts.

“I'm guessing you didn't get the message,” Mrs. Morgan told him. “A message went around last night to Shimon’s teachers.”

Why?

How do they know?

I stared down at my feet.

Why is this happening to me?

“He’s homeless,” she whispered, thinking I wouldn't hear.

I could hear though. They were talking about me as if I wasn't even there. I matter as well! Just because I have no one doesn't mean that I'm worthless.

Although I wanted to stay strong in front of them, I couldn’t. Instead I burst out into tears. It was like that little kid earlier. I didn't hit him, but he cried. No one hurt me, but I'm balling my eyes out now.

I tried to hide my face, mainly to stop Coach realizing. He’s always thought I was weak but I'm stronger than he’ll ever know. I’ve dealt with so much. I'm better than him.

“Mr. Hamilton needs to see him,” Mrs. Morgan sighed as she put an arm around me.

I shoved her off me straight away.

“S-stop t-touching me,” I sniffed, wishing I was stronger.

Doesn't she understand that I don’t like being touched? For God’s sake she should respect that!

“Maybe I should take him,” Coach Carter suggested.

Even though I was still crying, I couldn’t help smirking at that.

“Very well,” she whispered.

Mr. Carter walked beside me as we headed for the head master’s office. I knew this day couldn’t get any worse, but that didn't stop me being terrified. What are they going to say? They can’t make me go back home. What’s going to happen to me?

Mr. Hamilton called me in straight away and then Coach Carter left me. I didn't want to be on my own in there. I was scared.

I sat down in the chair in front of Sir’s desk and started to fiddle with the sleeves on Mark’s shirt. I'm never this nervous around teachers. This isn't like other times though. I'm not in trouble.

“Shimon, this man is from the homeless shelter in town,” he told me gently, gesturing to the man in the grey suit next to him.

I looked up at him and nodded. I wasn't crying now but my eyes were still watery. I bet I look a mess.

“I tried contacting your parents but the number we were given wasn't recognized,” Mr. Hamilton explained. That wasn't news to me though. “We went to their address as well, but they’ve moved out,” he sighed. “Do you know where they are?”

“No,” I huffed.

They moved out without a single goodbye. I’m never going to find them now. I don’t to want to see them but... I don’t know. I guess it would nice to know I could find them if I wanted to, if I needed them.

“Were you kicked out?” Sir asked me.

I don’t want to talk about this. I'm not explaining it to them.

“Yep,” I lied. I don’t want people knowing the truth. It’s not like the little details make a difference anyway.

Mr. Hamilton gave me a sympathetic look before turning to the guy from the shelter and talking quietly to him. Why’s he even here? Unless... No!

“I'm not going to a shelter,” I told them, interrupting their little chat.

Sir was about to speak but the other guy stopped him.

“I'm Harrison Blake,” he told me softly.

“I don’t care who you are,” I muttered, wanting to upset the guy as much as possible.

I'm not going anywhere.

“Fair enough. I understand that you’re scared. Living on the streets is difficult and we’re here to help you,” he told me.

“What would you know?” I laughed. “And I never asked for help. I don’t need it.”

These people don’t usually help us. There’s loads of people living on the streets but they’ve only come to me offering help. They don’t do this for everyone. It’s disgusting. Isn't it a right to have a home?

“Shimon,” he started.

“Shim,” I hissed.

“Shim, we’ll be giving you shelter, food, drink, a place to live.”

“I never said I wanted that,” I shouted at him. “I'm happy the way things are.”

Sir and Harrison Blake looked at each other again, exchanging a stupid look.

“I am here you know!” I shouted.

“Did anything happen to you when you were out there?” Mr. Hamilton asked me.

I glared at him before bulking up the nerve to answer him.

“I was raped, Sir. Beaten to a pulp. Got robbed and murdered as well. It was tragic.”

The posh guy from the shelter gave me a very stern look. At least I was able to annoy someone.

“This is serious. It’s not something you should joke about. Things like that have happened to other people in the shelter,” he ranted at me. “It’s disgusting that you’d joke about things as serious as that.”

“I don’t care,” I whispered, staring at my hands.

“He’s just having a bad day,” Mr. Hamilton told him quietly. “He’s as good as gold usually.”

Liar.

“The whole school’s going to know,” I muttered bitterly.

“No,” Sir said strongly.

“The teachers know! The year 7’s know! Everyone knows!”

I bit my lip and brought my fists up to my face, trying to hide it from them. I so wasn't crying. I swear I wasn't. It was just a freaky illusion.

“Have you been hurt?” the head master asked me.

Why does he keep shooting out random questions at me?

“No,” I sniffed.

“Maybe, Shim could go back with you?” Sir asked Harrison Blake. “He could settle into his room.”

“No,” I hissed. “I said I'm not going there.”

“There’re two other people your age sharing a room. It could be good for you to share with them,” the posh idiot told me.

“I don’t like people,” I told him harshly. “I ain’t sharing.”

“Shim, maybe you should go to lessons for today. Mr. Blake and I will try and sort something out and then get you at the end of the day.”

I got up and stormed out.

It was still form time but there was no chance I was going to go there. Instead I headed to the toilets. Most people will be in their lessons so I’ll get a bit of privacy in there.

Or not.

“Don't say one word to me,” I snapped when I saw Casper and Archer in there.

They just laughed at me.

Screw them. I don’t care what they think anymore. They can laugh all they bloody well want.

“How’s the streets?” Archer asked me.

I bit my lip but said nothing.

“Get butt raped lately?” Casper asked with a playful smirk on his face.

He’s the one who wants it up the ass, not me.

“Everyone knows who you really are now,” Archer said, really slowly. “You’re nothing but a homeless skreb.”

I closed my eyes tightly but I didn't rise to it.

So what.

Am I meant to care about a few more people knowing?

My life’s ruined already. A few more people knowing how messed up I am doesn't make a difference.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It makes all the difference!

I don’t want people to know who I am.

I want to be hidden.

I don’t want them knowing about me!

I don’t want them talking about me!

Putting on this act is the only thing that makes me feel safe. If everyone knows how sad and pathetic my life is, they’ll start to see me as weak and vulnerable. I'm no longer the Shimon Moore that people fear. I'm the Shimon Moore that bursts into tears whenever someone says something I don’t like.

I refused to let them know they got to me. I didn't shout or throw my fists at them. I just walked out and left them to amuse themselves. I still didn't want to go to lessons though. The idea of that is making me feel sick.

I went to the music room instead. I’d be able to clear my head in there. That’s the only real private place in the entire school.

Apparently all of my teachers know about my situation which means Mr. Telic does as well. He doesn't seem like the sort of person who’ll pile me with questions about it though. He’ll act normal, I hope.

I walked into the music room and went into the one that was empty. I just sat there. I wasn't thinking or doing anything. I just sat still and breathed.

Breathe.