Let's See What You're Not

Mark

I haven’t seen Shim all day and I'm really worried about him now. My dad definitely called the school last night and he found a homeless shelter for Shim to go to. What if it’s too late though? What if something happened to him last night? Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen him. Some drunk idiot could’ve found him and chucked him off the pier. If I said something sooner it wouldn’t have happened. He could be dead!

Or he’s avoiding me...

He might think it’s my fault that the school know, which it sort of is. I know Shim won’t want a fuss, but he’s bound to get one now that people know. Plus, I’ve never really heard him complain about life on the streets. What if the guy likes it? I could’ve destroyed his whole life!

No.

Calm down, Mark.

No one should be living on the streets; especially people our age. I’ve done the right thing. Like mum said, he’d have to be stupid to not be grateful for this.

All I want to do is see him. If I knew what he was thinking I’d be able to stop panicking. If I knew he was alright and didn't hate me, I wouldn't feel so ill right now.

I'm so hopeless.

I waited for Emma after maths. Well, I told myself I was waiting for Emma, but I was hoping to see Shim as well. I know they’re in the same class.

“Hey, Em,” I smiled as she walked out.

Emma walked on a bit but she turned around again when she realized I wasn't following.

“What you waiting for, Marky?” she asked.

I bit my lip before giving her a look that said ‘you know who I'm waiting for’.

She nodded and gave me a small smile.

“He wasn't in,” she whispered. “I'm sure he’s fine though.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

He’s Shimon Moore. I know he can handle himself.

“Was everything alright at home?” I asked her, needing to change the topic.

“Oh, yeah. Granddad was overreacting.” She laughed awkwardly.

Normally, that would annoy me. Emma left me on my own for no reason. This time, it meant I had alone time with Shim though. I think I can forgive her since I gained quite a lot from her absence.

“Oh, I'm glad nothing was wrong then.” I smiled stupidly as we headed to the music rooms for our next lesson.

“I really am sorry I had to leave at the weekend,” she told me. “Are your parents back now?”

“Yeah.” I smirked, as I remembered what they came home to yesterday.

That’s a good memory.

“Why are you smiling?” she asked, poking my side.

“No reason,” I insisted.

I’ve got no idea why I want to keep what happened from Emma, but it does feel good to have the occasional secret. Shim wouldn't want her to know anyway. We all know what he’s like with keeping personal things private.

When we walked into the music rooms, Mr. Telic greeted us with the same friendly smile he does every music lesson. That man always puts me in a good mood. He’s a really nice guy.

“Hey, Mr. T,” Emma said as we walked in and sat down.

He nodded to us before putting on a more serious face.

Something’s happened. Mr. Telic doesn't do serious. He’s the laid back teacher who jokes around with the class.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him nervously.

“Are you two friends with Shim?” he asked us quietly.

“Is he okay?” I asked quickly.

I need to see him. I need to see that he’s alright. Oh my God. What if he isn't okay?

“Where is he?” I asked him, still panicking.

Emma could see that I was getting worked up already. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my emotions in these situations, but right now it’s easy to tell what I'm thinking. My thoughts are practically written all over my face.

“Mark’s friends with him,” Emma said, remaining calm.

Mr. Telic nodded at me.

“I’ve spoke to him a bit, but I think it’d be better if he could talk to a friend,” Mr. Telic told us. “He usually only has me to talk to,” he explained awkwardly. “It’s nice to see him making friends; he needs people right now.”

“I know he does,” I told him strongly.

Mr. Telic must know. Dad said that all his teachers were going to be told about Shim’s home situation. Apparently it was so they didn't say the wrong thing to him, but it’s also because they don’t want to stress him out too much while he’s going through a tough time. The teachers have to go easy on him.

“Where is he?” Emma asked, repeating the question I asked earlier.

“He’s in the small practice room,” Mr. Telic told us. He always uses that one... “I don’t know if he’d want company yet though. I think he needs it, but he might not react well.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” I told him, sounding as positive as possible. “He’ll be alright if it’s me.”

He nodded unsurely and I told Emma to wait there while I went to see him. My heart was racing when I reached the door. It was closed and I was far from ready to open it. I didn't have time to prepare myself though, so instead I just walked in.

The site in front of me was a massive shock. He was... He was crying.

“Shim,” I said softly as I walked over to his side.

He was sat on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“Go away,” he whispered.

“You know I won’t do that,” I told him quietly before sitting down next to him and putting my hand on his shoulder.

I expected him to flinch at the contact, but he didn't. He didn’t push me away from him either.

“My dad said he’d give you another chance,” I told him lightly, knowing he won’t want me to mention that he’s crying or to ask him about it.

He let out a slight chuckle.

“He’s dumber than I thought,” he mumbled. “No offense.”

“None taken,” I assured him. “And my mum’s forgiven you for... well, what you used to be like.”

“Does that mean they’ll let me see you?” he asked in an extremely small voice.

He sounded so innocent. It made my insides melt. He was being so adorable, even though he’s feeling upset.

“Hell yeah, matey.” I laughed. “Dad doesn't want us hanging round in my room though. He thinks we’d have sex.”

“What?!” Shimon choked out, making me burst into laughter.

“I told him he’s crazy, don’t worry,” I said with a smile, before deciding it would be more fun to tease him right now. “Would having sex with me really be that bad?”

He turned and faced me, locking our eyes. We’re so close right now; I can literally feel his breath on my face.

“Might not be too bad,” he whispered.

He started leaning in and I actually thought he was going to kiss me. I closed my eyes expectantly, but nothing happened. When I opened them he was staring at the wall again.

I let out a sigh.

“Why are you looking at that wall when you could be looking at me?” I asked him stupidly.

He turned around again with an awkward smile on his face.

“Stop it.” He smirked.

“Stop what exactly?”

“Making me smile when I'm trying to sulk,” he said with a small laugh.

“Smiley Shim’s cuter though,” I told him but as soon as it slipped out I regretted it. I just called him cute. Shimon Moore should punch me for that. Then again, this new Shim isn't like that at all.

“I’ll, um, bear that in mind.”

Did he really say that?

N’aww that’s so cute!

I'm creeping myself out now.

Right: back to business.

“Would you be annoyed if I asked you what’s wrong?” I asked him cautiously.

I technically didn't ask him the question. I asked for permission to ask the question. If he lets me it will show me just how much he’s willing to open up to me. Shim saying that it’s okay would mean the world to me right now.

“I wouldn't be annoyed,” he whispered. “I don’t think I’d tell you though.”

That’s half way there then.

“Is it about the shelter?” I asked quietly.

He looked up at me confused.

“How do you know about that?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If I want him to be honest with me, I have to be honest with him.

“My dad,” I whispered. “He thought he was helping.”

“He did this?” he asked quietly.

“I'm sorry.”

He looked angry but he was clearly trying to control himself. That had to be a good sign.

“It’s...It’s alright,” he muttered.

We stayed quiet for a bit after that, but there was more that I wanted to know.

“Do you want to go to the shelter?” I asked him.

He shook his head before turning back to the wall and hiding his face from me. Great, back to the wall again. Whenever I make progress, he crawls back into his shell. I suppose that’s bound to happen though. Each time I push him further, he has to have a bit of time to adjust to the intrusion.

“Is that what’s bothering you?” I asked quietly.

“A bit,” he whispered.

“I’ve got to tell you something else as well,” I sighed. “You won’t like it, but you should know. Chances are you already know.”

“What now?” he sniffed.

“Casper and Archer started saying stuff about you on facebook and I think some people believed them.”

“Perfect,” he whispered.

“Don't pay attention to what they think. The only people that matter are your friends, okay? There’s no point trying to please or impress anyone else.”

“I'm just... I'm sick of everyone looking down on me,” he mumbled. “I got... I g-got people thinking I was... I was s-someone and now.” My heart broke as he started crying again. He was trying really hard to hide it from me, but when he decided to keep talking I knew he was dropping his hard exterior for me. He was letting me see him at his weakest. “I was c-cool a-and people were s-scared of me and... And I l-liked that. Everyone t-thinks I'm a l-loser and... They think I'm path-pathetic and... I h-hate it Mark.”

My eyes were tearing up as he spoke and I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

“You’re not a loser. I don’t think you’re pathetic or weak or anything like that at all. You’re the strongest person I know. No one else in this school could live out there like you do. No one, Shim. Do you know how brave you are?”

“I'm a c-coward,” he whispered.

“No you’re not,” I told him strongly.

“I run away from everything, Mark,” he said, looking into my eyes with his red tearful ones. “I c-can’t do it anymore.”

Those words hit me so hard. I can’t do it.

“You can’t do it on your own, but you have help now. Trust me, things will get better. At school you can stay with me and Emma; you don’t have to be on your own and I really care about you. I’ll help you get a job and study and you’ll have somewhere to live so it’ll be easier to do work and you won’t have to worry about getting food anymore or staying clean or staying alive through the night. Ignore Casper and them. You have me and I love for who you are, seriously. So screw everyone else. You can do this, Shim. I'm not letting you run away and I'm not leaving you to deal with life on your own. You’ve got me okay? I'm not going anywhere.”

“Mark,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

I smiled at him; touched by the sincerity of his words.

“If you need a pep talk, just come find me, yeah?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “Could I ask you something?”

“Of course you can. God, Shim! You can ask me anything.”

“Why are you doing this for me?”

“Because I like you,” I told him truthfully.

“Why do you like me?” he asked. “I'm a horrible, messed up, pathetic asshole.”

“And for some reason I still love you.”I laughed.

I can’t believe I said love... I think I mean it though.

“Do you like me back?” I asked him stupidly.

We locked eyes again and I could physically see how nervous I was making him.

“Kinda,” he whispered.

He dropped his head down to break our eye contact but I quickly took hold of his chin and made him look at me.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed with me.”

“I know-”

Before he could finish speaking I pushed my lips against his. I was shaking all over but I knew I had to do it. I just had to.

Why am I so stupid?

“Get off me!” Shim shouted, pushing me away from him. “What the hell, Mark?!”

I just stared at him, not able to say anything.

I shook my head and felt tears stinging my eyes.

“I'm so sorry,” I sniffed.

Shim headed for the door, but just as he was about to leave, he stopped.

“What?” I mumbled.

“N-Nothing,” he stuttered before leaving me alone with my shame.