Changing the Girl

I re-opened my laptop when I awoke hours later. With a yawn, I clicked the internet icon.

As I waited for the internet to load, I looked around the bus. You could tell a girl lived her (especially compared to other tour busses) because it was actually clean. The bus smelled clean, like linen, because of my cleaning. Every day I can, I: bleach what can be bleached, soap what can be soaped, wash what can be washed, dust and sweep what can be swept, and tidy everything. I can’t stand major mess. It’s gross. Why I decided to live in a confined space with five guys still confuses me.

Anyways, the internet was loaded. I typed in “Twitter” and hummed a small tune. I realized within seconds it was the Harry Potter theme, and smiled fondly. I love(d) Harry Potter! Back to Twitter though. I looked at the screen and my jaw dropped.

I had an obscene (in an amazing way) amount of mentions and interactions. I quickly scanned through, and they ALL had to do with the hot guy a.k.a. Harry. I gave a slight grin. “You’ll all find out who the hot guy is, I promise!” and hit the Tweet button. Oh how I loved being mysterious.

“Moring love.” Yawned Max, walking into the room shirtless. His hair was completely crazy, and he stumbled to me. Max was always this way when he first woke up. Max fell down onto the couch next to me, and put his head on my shoulder.

“How ya doin’ sexy?” I asked, moving so he was more comfortable.

“Tired. You?”

“checking Twitter. Everyone’s asking me about who the ‘hot guy’ is. I’m waiting to tell them though.”

“Hot guy?” Max asked confused.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you guys! Harry is going to interview me today.” Max sighed irritated at this. “What?” I asked confused.

“You don’t tell us stuff.” He stated annoyed. Before I could defend myself, he continued. “You used to tell us stuff, not everything, but enough. You’ve always been secretive, and at first it made me attracted to you. Like I wanted to know you. But I know there’s more to you than you let on and it’s so frustrating that you won’t tell us. Now, you just do stuff without asking and we can’t control you!”

“Control me? Did you really just say that? And do I have to ask you to do stuff to myself? No! I don’t! You may be family,” and I stood then, putting my laptop on the coffee table. Max stared at me with wide eyes. “But you are not my father. You are like a brother but you do not have the same say as Alex. You may hate him, but he is everything to me! You try to be him, to get him out of the picture. But that is never going to happen! Maybe if you try just being my friend, you’ll realize this and something major you’ve been missing. Until then, fuck the hell off.” I finished, and walked to the door. I caught sight of Seth in the bunks doorway, mouth hanging open and staring between us. But I didn’t care. I walked straight off the bus, and started to run.

I ran past the busses. I ran past the merch tents. I ran past the stages. I ran to the woods. But I never made it into the foliage. I stopped running, and fell to my knees. Sobs wretched out of me, and I pressed my hand to my mouth. I shook as I fell over, curling into myself even more.

How could I have said those things? They were true.

Was I really that horrible? Even worse.

Had I hurt Max as much as I hurt myself? On the off chance he cares, more than you hurt.

Could he ever forgive me? Why would he?

I had a small conversation with myself in my head. Well, it wasn’t really me. A conscience of sorts.

I took-or tried-deep breaths. I gradually got my breathing under control. But my tears still fell. What had I done? I hadn’t meant to hurt him, but I still agreed with myself: It was true. Ever since I met them they had tried to keep me as bubble wrapped as possible. But I couldn’t be tamed. My parents tried, Alex tried (to a point) and then them. I just needed some recklessness for once, just to be a kid and stop trying to be mature for once. But I grew up too fast and people expected me to be responsible. So hell, I rebelled. I just didn’t want to hurt them.

You might be thinking what I said wasn’t too horrible; but it was. They didn’t like Alex. They worked so hard to make me happy, to try and fill in the gaps. But I didn’t want that. I wanted them to make their own spaces, not replace my empty ones. I had hurt them. And I couldn’t stand it. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered to the ground.

“Oh baby…” I heard a whisper. Then Zeke was kneeling next to me, with his hand on my back. “I get it okay? We just want you safe, but you make it hard. Alex makes it hard. He takes you without asking and it worries us.”

“He doesn’t have to ask, he’s my brother!”

“Yes but he left you. We were there to pick up the pieces, and we thought we had done enough. Apparently not.” He mumbled the last part.

“Enough for what? To replace him? That’s my point! I don’t want to replace him. He is legally my guardian. If you have a problem with that or anything else, bring it up with him. Alex wants to get along with you guys. Just stop trying to take his place.”

“We just want you safe.”

“I am safe.”

“In your own mind too.” I laughed hollowly at that. My mind wasn’t a safe place, it never was.

“I’m working on that one.”

By now we were sitting back looking at each other. I made my tears stop and breathed. “Alright Rebs,” I smiled softly at my nickname. “Let’s get you back for that interview.” I grinned. Zeke scooped me into his arms and started to run. “I’VE GOT A MINI PERSON!” he yelled running with my. I laughed and lightly hit him.

“I’M NOT MINNI! YOU JACK ASS!” I yelled back.

We were at the bus already. I took a breath and looked nervously to Zeke’s reassuring face. I opened the door and ran on. Max was sitting there with his face in his hands. Seth to his left, talking to him soothingly. Seth looked at me as I walked on, and bit his lip. I walked over and kneeled in front of Max. Flashbacks of Danny came to my mind, but I pushed them aside. I tentatively put my hands on his, and peeled them from his face. “What? Want to rub it in that I’m not good enough for you?” He asked miserably.

“I love you. More than I’d like to admit.” He turned his sad (hopeful?) eyes upon me. I leaned in close, so my lips brushed against his ear. “Maybe, just maybe, I don’t want you as a brother because of how I love you…” that got a chuckle from him.

“That’s actually really hot.”

“What is? This?” I asked, pressing my lips a little harder to his ear. He gave a small shiver, and stood. I fell back a little.

“Stop!”

“Why?”

“You’ll give me a…ya know…” Max said awkwardly. The rest of us laughed. I put a smirk on and stood, brushing against him as I did, and looked up at his face. His breathing hitched, and I leaned against him. My fingertips trailed along his arm. “I hate you.” He said running towards the bathroom.

“I choose not to believe that!” I called after him as the door shut. That’s something I love about them: We can fight like hell one moment, and the next were joking.

“That’s good, ‘cause we could never hate you!” Seth said loudly, toppling us over whilst tickling me. I giggled like a mad woman and they both laughed at me. “Say it!”

“Never!” I said in laughter.

“Say it!”

“No!” but the tickling velocity was too much! “Fine! I love you, you ruler of all Drummers!” I yelled between laughter.

“Not exactly but, I do like the sounds of that...SETH KING OF DRUMMERS!” He bellowed the last part, before breaking into fake girly giggles. I laughed at his reaction.

“OI! I’M THE KING OF DROOMS YOU ARSE!” We heard James yelling voice through the window. I burst into more laughter. Zeke fell to the floor holding his side.

“NO! YOU’RE MY QUEEN! WE RULE ALL DRUMMERS!”

“BITCH! YOU’RE MY QUEEN!”

“FUCK YOU! I’M TOP!”

“NO! I’M…NEVERMIND!”

By now I was gasping for breath through my laughter. I finally calmed my breath and was in the after-laughter. The boys were still laughing. Then, Max walked out. A confused look passed his face as we all stopped laughing and stared at him. “What?” He asked warily. We burst into laughter at that. Max just stared confused, but compensated by laughing along. It felt good to laugh.

After we calmed down enough, Seth and Max joined Zeke and I on the floor. “I love you guys.” I
sighed happily.

“Awwwwww! Did you hear that guys? She wuvs us!” Zeke cooed.

“AWWW!” They said together.

“Fuck you!” I said with a head shake and smile.

“Despite popular belief: We don’t fuck little girls, no matter how much they want it.” Max said with a wink. I giggled. Then we heard a knock, and I totally fangirl “eeeped”. The guys laughed as I jumped up and ran back and forth over two feet of carpet. Finally I stopped.

“Someone get the door!” I said excidedly. “Please?” I added in afterthought as I ran to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and fixed my makeup and hair. I squealed and jumped for a few seconds, then stopped and took a breath. I composed myself, and opened the door.

I walked out into the living room, and seeing no one, I walked outside. And I almost died.