And She Made the Shape of My Heart With Her Hands

“What’s wrong, babe?”

I flinched slightly, trying to hide my reaction behind my wave of dark hair. I swallowed nervously, pulling the fallen tresses from my view of Pat. “Nothing, sweetie. Absolutely nothing.”

Pat’s mouth contorted to the side a bit, showing off his confusion and concern. He frowned. “Are you sure?” He asked so quietly that anyone that was an inch farther away from where I was wouldn’t be able to hear him.

I placed my hand lightly on his and stroked his thumb a couple times. “Yes, everything’s fine,” I lied to him for about the millionth time. I forced a fake smile.

Yes, lied. I’ve been lying to my boyfriend. A lot.

If it helps the matter any more, then I suppose I could add that I’ve only been lying about one thing to him mainly; if I’m okay.

The last day has constantly been full of things such as, ‘How are you now?’ ‘Everything okay, Cara?’ ‘Are you alright?’

And my answers have always been the same. ‘Yes, babe.’ ‘Of course, Pat.’ Nothing’s the matter, I’m just peachy!’ and I’d even go as far as adding a fake smile at the end of each lie.

I was truly horrible. I really was.

There I was, lonely and bored. And now here I am, a lovely boyfriend in hand and a frown on my face because I’m always thinking about other people and certain circumstances.

It’s chaos. Pure chaos.

And it should all be unnecessary, but it’s not. Why? Because my head tells me that John is over me, and that I should get my head out of my ass and love Pat forever and ever.

Yeah. That’s what my head says, and it upsets me.

Now my heart, you may ask?

My heart is a whole different story.

According to my heart, there’s still a spark between John O’Callaghan and I, and I should give him a chance.

What the hell is that?

Who knows? I know I don’t, that’s for sure.

“Damn it,” I mumbled so lowly and quietly that I had no idea how Pat heard me.

“What, Cara?” His thick eyebrows were raised as he stared at me with those damn big brown eyes that I melted over each time.

I averted my gaze for a moment, gaining my composure. “Nothing, just a sudden stomach thing. Uh, you know,” I lied once again.

What I had meant to say was, ‘Damn it. I’m going friggin’ crazy. God help me. Turn me into a boy or a lesbian. DO SOMETHING!’ Yeah. Along the lines of that.

“Be right back,” Pat said, getting up and kissing me on the cheek before walking away.

I was left alone, at this crappy table backstage. Alone. Just me and my crazy thoughts that were slowly driving me insane.

Did I mention alone and insane?

Yeah, I thought so.

“Hey, chick-a-dee,” Kennedy greeted as he plopped in the metal chair across from me.

All I did was look up and make eye contact with the boy.

“Cara… Cara, what’s wrong? Tell me, please,” he begged in an urgent whisper.

I blinked a couple times, feeling the extra wetness starting to rim my eyes, eventually blurring my vision of Kennedy.

“Cara!” Before I could register what was happening, Kennedy was crouching down next to me on the floor, his head even with mine from his height. His arm was around the back of my chair to support himself.

“Kennedy,” I whispered barely, not even strong enough to make my voice waver.

“What? What is it?”

“I… I d-don’t know what to d-do,” I admitted, my chest feeling shaky as well as the rest of me.

“You don’t know what to do? About what? What happened?”

I turned my head towards Kennedy, meeting his concerned and insistent eyes.

That was all Kennedy needed before he jumped to false conclusions.

“Pat didn’t… Pat didn’t break up with you, did he?”

A sharp intake of breath hit me in a gasp. “No! No, of course no!” I couldn’t ever think of that.

“Then what is it?”

I paused.

“Cara?”

I sighed. “It’s still the same problem as last time, and the time before that, and so on,” I said slowly, trying not to completely break down.

I took notice of Kennedy’s eyebrows pulling together.

I only blinked in response to his confusion.

The crease in his forehead relaxed. “You’re not talking about,” he lowered his voice, “John, are you?”

I gulped quietly and slowly nodded.

He sighed. “Oh, God… I thought everything was fine.” Kennedy dropped his gaze down and added quietly, “I thought everything was perfect now.”

“So did I.”