Too Far Gone

As Beth sat and watched the group cautiously settle in the barn, she noticed one crucial thing. This was not the same group that it had been at the prison. There were new people, but it wasn't that. The way they all moved, watched one another, struggled to relax. She could see how Maggie carried her guilt every time she caught her eye. She knew what her sister was thinking, that she should have tried harder, looked for her longer. Other members of the group had a similar look on their faces when Beth caught them looking. Sometimes she didn't know if their discomfort was in response to her relationship with Rick, or some leftover guilt from what had happened. It frustrated her. She had survived in that hospital without any of them, yet some of them still looked at her like she was weak. They didn't know what she had dealt with.

She adjusted Rick's jacket around herself and pulled her knees up against her chest. Everyone needed rest, not just her. As everyone settled themselves down she rolled her head back against the barn wall, letting her eyes slide shut for a moment. It was an incredible relief to be out of the rain, even if it was just for now. At the same time, the rain also came as a relief. It was too hot for them to be walking around as much as they were, but they couldn't stay still either... Something had to give eventually. She couldn't even blame Rick for being suspicious about the bottles of water that appeared on the road.

It was only when she felt Rick's hand working on her lower that she opened her eyes again. She was so tired, exhausted. It probably showed in her face as she turned her head to look at Rick, but she didn't once want to complain about any of it. This was just life now, and survival was all about adjustment. Even when it was this hard.

She shifted closer to him, finding comfort and safety in the small space they created for themselves. He looked just as tired as she did, perhaps even more so. She may have had a physical injury to deal with, but he was carrying so much stress with him. But at least when Rick looked at her, she didn't see guilt in his face. As he ran his fingers across her cheek she wanted nothing more than to just lean in and kiss him, finally kiss him properly.

"I'm okay," She reassured him softly, tilting into his touch. "And you? How're you holdin' up?"

"Fine," Rick said quietly, carefully shifting as close as possible to Beth, wary of her injury. "Tired, we all are, but got you, an' Carl an' Judith, we're all safe. Everything's just fine."

Rick bent in close, pressing a kiss to Beth's forehead before resting his own to hers gently. He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh.

"We'll find somewhere soon," he told her, assuring himself as much as Beth, "Somewhere to keep you all safe, I promise. Somewhere new we can live..."

Rick dipped down further, pressing a chaste kiss to Beth's lips, followed by a slightly firmer one as his thumb caressed her cheek.

"You can rest up and heal properly, and Carl wouldn't need his gun, Judith can grow and we can just live, like back at the prison." He trailed off and bit back another sigh, choosing instead to place a last kiss on the top of her head before drawing his hand away.

The kiss felt alien to her. That was the most jarring moment she had shared with him in recent memory. After all she had thought about in the hospital, how desperate she was to get back to Rick and the rest of the group... Yet she just felt like she was continuously brushing along the outside of their group. New people had come in, forced themselves into the space she had left behind. And the kiss. It felt strange, tainted by the memory of the hospital, and Officer Gorman.

She tried to hide it, covering it weakly with a momentary hesitance and a soft kiss in return. Rick wasn't Gorman. He never would be Gorman. The world was full of bad men, and Rick Grimes wasn't one of them.

"We'll find somewhere..." Beth echoed his words as she gave him a small nod. She could only hope he hadn't noticed how she'd frozen against his kiss.

"But not like the prison." Was the next thought that came to mind. The prison had burnt down, and they had lost so much... They didn't need somewhere like the prison again, they didn't need something that was only going to be temporary. But permanent seemed so difficult in this new world, and they still had so much to learn.

Rick felt Beth's hesitation against his lips, but resolved to stay quiet. Instead sliding the hand on her back to fully encompass her slim waist, pulling her against him as closely and as firmly as he dared with her recovering form. He itched to storm back to the hospital, tear into who ever had caused this hesitance in Beth... but knowing his girl, there may be little left to rip into. She was strong enough to avenge the misdeeds against herself.

He leaned against the wall behind them, tilting his head back against the rough wood of the barn wall and listening as wind and rain thrashed around them outside.

"Soon," he belatedly finished the words Beth had echoed. The weariness of his body took a new tone, and for the first time in a while he longed for a real bed. With a real mattress and a real frame and something that would mould to the shape of their bodies in time, rather than cold sheets that housed them for one night.

He wanted to tell Beth about the things he'd do for her, the things they would find. The house they'd set up together and how they'd live, peaceful and happy. He wanted to open his mouth and promise her the world, even if she didn't need it, even if she could get it herself he wanted to go out and bring it all for her. But he couldn't even promise they'd get through the night.

"Before this started," Rick began, voice low, "if we'd met-"

But movement caught his eye, Sasha and Maggie running to the doors. The groan of walkers overwhelmed the sound of the rain for just moments before Rick was on his feet, skidding on loose dirt before finding his footing to launch himself next to Darryl at the doors.

The arm around her back was the comfort she had longed for, and it felt much more comfortable to her than the kiss had. She felt like despite losing her own sense of space within the group, she could simply slot into Rick's side and belong once more. She could feel herself curl up into him, tucking herself away from everyone else for the time being. Beth knew there would come a time when she would have to open up, to tell a select few in the group what had happened to her. Rick needed to know, as did Maggie. She wanted to tell Daryl it wasn't his fault either. It had been obvious in the way he had been looking at her that he felt guilty. But it was nobody's fault. Getting shot she blamed herself for.

She wondered how much Rick blamed himself for. Everyone in the group carried their own sense of guilt. That much had become obvious in the time she'd spent with Daryl. He felt guilty about her father, Maggie felt guilty for not finding her sooner. There was always something to make someone feel guilty. The circumstances they were in only made that feel tenfold right now.

Beth barely had time to register what Rick was saying before he seemed to slip away from her. She wanted to leap up and run to help, but all she could do was awkwardly raise herself up against the wall. Her feet slipped on the barn floor the first time she tried to slide herself back up, earning a grimace from her as she tried once more. It didn't take a genius to realise she would be useless against the door with the rest of them. Instead, she did what she knew she was best at.

Moving to Carl, she plucked Judith out of his arms, freeing him to help the group instead. She stayed towards the back of the barn, rest Judith on her uninjured side. Whilst the others struggled with the door, all Beth could do was try and calm the toddler down.