Story Comment Swap

Claimed
Perfect beginning. Some people begin the story with boring stuff. But what readers want nowadays is a story that begins with someone struggling for their life, or someone who’s running away from the police. That’s exactly what you have. Your character is under a lot of pressure because of the performance thing. And it was smart of you to start the story like that.
And it didn’t just end there. The perfect interplay between characters kept the fun going. This kept it real.
FUCK GODDAMN SHIT BOLLOCKS- (that was funny)
I'd love to read a story about this. X-factor, ha? Interesting. I'll be reading more. I'm not just saying. I WILL be. : )

I’m not saying some romance is irrelevant. But the cute guy coming into the scene from the beginning is just a cliché now. I think you should write a few pages more and then introduce him to keep the story less obvious.
And one other thing. Is it really necessary to quote so much of the lyrics they were singing? I think you could use the space for something else.
Errors:
He was wearing a slightly low-cut v-neck shirt… (v-neck=V-neck)
This is the story I want read:
Abdication
:) :) Hope you enjoy (Please don't forget to recommend it, if you liked the story.)

Claimed.

Okay, so at Chapter One (from the start), the dialogue is kind of meshed together. By the time Chapter 4 comes around, the dialogue is very spread apart and takes up most of the chapters around 3-5. Because of all the dialogue, some of the formatting/spacing (I'm not sure if I'm using the correct words, but what I mean is when you press the "Enter" key) isn't present or even, which isn't appealing to the eye but does not affect the story itself.

I think your beginning really draws in the reader, because I for one always love a good divorce. I was kind of confused for a few moments afterward, because your story moves rather quickly, but overall it's rather nice.

I didn't understand some of the story, but it's interesting. I don't think I've really read anything like it, so keep it up. c: I hope update it really soon.

This is the story I want read, though I honestly hope you'll neglect the layout since I have no idea how to work it. (Oops.)
Run 「走る」

^ Claimed

I quite enjoy this concept of cell phone novel, it's refreshing and unique. Yet, with only a few words, you paint a vivid picture for your readers, you managed to pull that off really nicely.

The story touches a sensitive subject: bullying, but doesn't seem to fall under the usual clichés.

The way you write is very fluid, the short sentences going straight to the point make the story easy to read and follow, the vocabulary is simple yet effective.

I like the overall plot, the way these two are connected for something they have in common and how their pain is bringing them close together. I'm subscribing
less than a minute ago

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Meaningless and Irrelevant

^ CLAIMED

Oh my! I love the first chapter where she is clearly head over heels for him, and is denying it completely. We've all been there, haven't we?

Anyway, I did find a few spelling errors here, and there, but none were that serious. They are easily correctable, and thus, I'm not going to recite them here! If you want me to though, all you have to do is drop me a message, and I would love to proofread for you!

I would like to see the chemistry develop between the two, and watch the 'tension that could only be cut by a Japanese sword' vanish into thin air! Hehe . . unless you have other plans, of course! I'm going to keep a watch on your story to see where it is going exactly, for I am curious!

Keep on writing . .

~ Verona :)

Falling for a Slave
Still Screams

still screams:

I really like how much description you have written into the first chapter, especially with the characters. I don't usually read stories with as much description as this. I usually see author's describing the scenery, and environment around the characters, but not usually the characters themselves. I also like the diversity between the characters.

I think it would be best if you put the little disclaimer and note in the beginning of the chapter in the actual author's note. It would be better, I think, because it just looks weird to have sometime like that in the beginning of the chapter. Anyway, this was a really wonderful way to begin a story. It just all seems so innocent, but I know that's not how the story is going to be after reading the summary. Good luck on this story!

And She Smiles, please?

Claimed. ^^

First off, I absolutely love the layout and banner of your story. Second, Eleanor seems like a very likable character. I love the descriptions of the scenes and environment, such as Eleanor looking into the ocean from the deck of the ship. I’m glad the first and second chapters are decently lengthy to get a lot of information and details in, in only two chapters. The whole thing is overall very well-written. It looks like it’s going to develop into a very romantic story. Also, maybe you should put a note in the summary that says that the story is set in 1849 so people will know.
_____

Asked to Compromise, please.

Claimed.

dr. faustus:

The intro in the summary about Priscilla was nice and told a lot about her character and I'm excited to see how well you're going to actually show that to us in writing.

First off, I think I saw that someone else started that your formatted isn't properly constructed and goes against dialogue rules per say. It's hard to read this and after someone says something with quotation marks, there is supposed to be a space between who is speaking, it just gets too difficult to read, especially while on a computer screen.

However, I will read first and second chapter and display my comment thoroughly. So, I personally like Priscilla. She's tough, in your face attitude and slightly annoying. I as a reader, hopefully would imagine that by the end of the story she matures a little bit. But I like her because she gives no fucks out to no body and her friends are hilarious, and like they say, you are how you surround yourself with. Priscilla's narration is all right, but I like her diction a lot better. Besides the formatting, like I've started before this was an okay first chapter.

[2]

I like Priscilla, so I've said before, but I like her the most when she's talking, it's funny because she's very realistic and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of Priscilla's in high school, teen girls who are always upset about something or feel the world is just against them for some reason, and I like that because it's raw and human nature. I'm still a little clueless about her background, maybe in the next chapters or so it explains it more, but why is Priscilla like the way she is? She's like a spoiled brat, are her parents rich? Those are just some of the questions that came up while reading the first two chapters, but so far I like what I've read. There is room for improvement, as far as the formatting of this story and I hate when stories with so much potential get passed up because readers can't read the story. So, if that gets worked on, you'll be good to go.

Please read Gaspard & Anette Part III

Claimed!

Carpe diem;:

Okay, first off your layout is very pretty and suits to your story, however, to make it easier for me I had to switch to the default layout as I found the big paragraphs a bit bunched together and hard to read. But again this is me but maybe something to take into consideration, maybe make the layout a little wider?

I spotted the couple of odd grammar mistakes, commas where they shouldn't be but nothing big and I also noticed that you switched tenses a couple of times. Obviously right off the bat I can see that you're a very talented writer, your prose very beautiful and descriptive, but I think your speech needs a little bit of work, it sounded a little robotic in places and some of your speech tags were a little back to front.

For example, instead of '“Okay baby, I’ll let you get back to it and let you know when the food is here,” closing the door behind her, she replied.' have it be '“Okay baby, I’ll let you get back to it and let you know when the food is here,” she replied, closing the door behind her' which flows a lot better.

I also think you should have a bit more of a summary to clue new readers in to what they're going to be reading but overall this was a pretty nice read.

Crossed the Line please? There's a few chapters so you don't have to read the whole thing obviously, but if you do read more tell me again what you think of it once you're up to date. I'd be so grateful.

claimed

The prologue seems intriguing. The first sentence is brilliant, on the other hand I do not like the swear words. I do realize that the main character was ranting but with a very beautiful beginning those words just seem ugly and awkward.

Yet again I like how the first chapter begins with a dialogue. It is refreshing. Your main character is rather unique; she is slightly neurotic, childish and boyish. Your writing style is very clean and accurate. The plot is realistic and it is developing at the reasonable pace. There is a lot of dialogue and sometimes I miss your beautiful description. You have a way with words, especially when you describe Saskia‘s reactions and emotions.

I think that the first chapter is a little bit long and it could be split in four or at least two smaller segments. Maybe then it won‘t seem overcrowded with characters. Also I did not like some very detailed paragraphs (for example when she returns from work). Sometimes less is more.

Overall I think it is a great and well known story that people can relate to.

Butterfly Collector 107 words with a very tiny hint of slash

Claimed.

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I like to divide my comments in sections because it helps me focus on the different details on stories, so please bare with me while I do this.

Title
I wasn't quite sure what your title meant so I researched it and the species of butterfly that you are comparing Oli with came out, Karner Blue butterflies, an endangered specie indeed. It is a beautiful title that hints perfectly with the simile that you're using as your plot inside the content of the story.

Layout
I really like simple layouts with soft colors and a simple banner; I loved yours because it has this foggy-like feeling that reflects the type of feeling I was getting from your writing, foggy, like a memory that passed some time ago, but that you still hold on to it. It has a nice effect when combining it with the content.

Content
I loved the subtle hint of slash in your story; it's beautiful and I love it that it is not the central plot for it; I've read many slash stories and the plot tends to always be the homosexual relationship, but never the relationship itself. The first line of the story was what really set the mood for me, that foggy feeling that I described earlier in my comment is what I got from it; it's a beautiful feeling and it made me long for that touch that you describe.

I also love how you compare this man with this endangered butterfly, fragile to the touch; the narrator is clearly concerned that he might hurt him, but he's still in awe, admiring his beauty. It is a beautiful comparison.

Overall
I absolutely loved your story; it's short and simple, but it's full with meaning and gorgeous emotions that you can detect if you read through it carefully.

I would like a comment on Lifeline. It is a chaptered story, but you don't have to comment on all of them; any chapter would do. Thank you.

Claimed.

VivaLaJack-O-Lantern:

Wow. I knew from the summary that this was going to be an extremely powerful story. This idea is so intense and so unique. I don't think I have ever come across an idea quite like this one. So far, I have only read the first chapter of this but it's off to a gripping start. I'm hooked already and I will most definitely be reading more.
Sometimes it can be hard to pull off a single setting story, let alone one that revolves around a single activity. The chapter is based around a phone conversation, yet you manage to keep the actual dialogue in the story to a minimum (I assume it's the same in the following chapters also?). Dialogue, in my opinion, is such a superficial part of writing so it's nice to find a story that doesn't put too much focus on this. Of course, you are drawing from the dialogue, but the dialogue is not the main attraction.
I also really liked your repetitive use of "Bob was suicidal; you were homicidal". The narrator or character's approach to the matter, although they obviously realise the seriousness of it all, can be taken as being somewhat comical. This really shows how much the hotline job has damaged and drained the person taking the calls.
This is a really great story, keep up the good work. I look forward to making my through the other chapters.

Waiting For Your Call

Claim.

dr. faustus:

The story layout is beautiful, I however, would of liked a short story summary, to get a sense of what I'm reading at least, but that's just me.

I thought you described the common struggles of long distance relationships perfectly. The doubt and emotions of simply questioning 'why do I love you' it's heartbreaking and you captured that wonderfully.

I like that this was only 500 and something words, I felt if this dragged on any more it would have lost its message. The pain this girls feels is real and the descriptiveness of that worked well together, too.

My favorite parts of this story were the boyfriends words, I'm assuming that he possibly said to her before he left and then following that, she's breaking them down and realizing what his words truly meant. Maybe she felt played and used, which is an understanding emotion to feel in situations like these and I really liked this. Good job, friend.

We Are the Fucked Generation.

@ dr. faustus
Claim. Even though it's been a while since anyone posted here.

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From the Story Comment Swap thread;

First off, I'm in love with the layout. The banner looks amazing and it goes with the painted background perfectly. It's so simple and so beautiful.

The first chapter was like I'd walked in on someone crying and had to hurry out. Audrey's emotion and indifference were such a personal thing that it didn't quite feel like the sort of thing she'd want people to see.

I love the style it's written in; the description is just enough to be understatedly beautiful without being obnoxiously overwhelming. Usually, it's one way or the other: too much or too little. There's also no grammar mistakes as far as I can see. Well done.

Kinetic.

Claimed.

Quote

Wow! This is amazing. I've read both chapters and I think I'm already in love with this story. I'm not really sure where this story is gonna go which makes it all the more enticing. I feel so bad for Archie being mute, he can't even defend himself and I felt horrible when he was talking to the woman about the application. The last paragraph of the first chapter was so intense, I'm not really sure what happened but it was strange how calm Archie remained. I'm also really intrigued about his mother, her being "a killer" and the way Jordan described her as a whore makes me wonder. One thing I noticed: They will? thought Archie warily, backing further into the shop. "They will?" should be in italics and "Thanks" in the last sentence of that paragraph should also be in italics. I'm really interested by this simulator. I love how you describe everything, especially the people Archie sees on the street and in the train. Your writing is beautiful. Archie watched him don his gloves and retrieve a swab and spritz it with water and turn around to face Archie full-on. - I think you should put commas in here and only leave the last 'and' because there's too many. I hope eventually in this story why he is mute is mentioned. Like was he sick or was he just born like that? I'm rec'ing and subbing, I really hope you update this soon and the layout is lovely too.

When I'm Gone

Claimed

whateverlee:

Oh wow! This is very good! I don't usually read stories like this but i really like this. I feel for Josh but at the same time he makes me rage. His internal struggle is hard to hear and i pity him, it sounds awful and couldn't image going through anything like that. But what he did to his daughter was so messed up. I hope he gets help soon. If i were Alana i would probably stay with him through all of that but the moment you hurt my child, it's over. But sadly i don't think Josh can get better without her..sooo keep writing more so i can see what happens ha ha. I am not the best at grammar , so too me your story was well written in that aspect, i love how short but very detailed your writing is. All in all in was a very intense and slightly thrilling story , keep this one it's good! Smile

Perfect Cries From The Milky Way

Claimed

Death The Angel:

Okay, I love this so far but I did pick up on a few errors in the summary No one knows what happened only the president Knows the answer to that question. should be knows and this one isn't necessarily wrong but I feel as if enhancing would be a better fit than enchaining. Lastly All anyone knows for sure is that those 5 people are never seen or herd from again should be heard.
Side note = prolouge should be spelt prologue

I really love this idea, I'm excited to see where you take this because it's really unique. I love your description, I found it very easy to imagine what was happening in the scene and you're dialogue was well done as well, it was realistic and down-to-earth and made the characters relatable. Over-all you have an intriguing story and I'd love if you continued with it.

Also if you ever need an editor or someone to proofread your work I'm more than happy to help, what you have is a gem! Please don't hate me for correcting you D: I genuinely just wanted to help :s

Change

Claim.

change comment:

The first chapter is just kind of in your face, hey, this is what I'm thinking, and it's a really interesting way to begin a story. It's so, blunt, and feels like a confession to me, which I don't really see in stories.

I noticed, starting in the third chapter, that there were some periods missing at the end of a few sentences. I noticed that it happened before a piece of dialogue was said.

I really like how choppy the chapters are. The thoughts in the chapters are sometimes scattered and can be a little confusing, but it is how a person thinks. But I also like how he is basically recalling the memories that he has, making them as short as possible. The lack of detail is fantastic for this story because not many people actually can remember every single detail of every single day of their life, which is why it works for this type of story.

Anyway, this story, and it's progression, is really well written and amazing. It's fast-paced and, from what I can tell, there isn't, and won't be, a dull or boring moment. Fantastic work.

Lace Princess

Claimed.

Formaldehyde.:

First off, your summary instantly grabbed me and begged me to read on. I personally suck at summaries but yours is wonderful. It holds the right amount of intrigue and mystery!

As for the chapter, I wasn't disappointed. Your writing style is so beautiful and it flows with such ease that the reader can't help but be taken by it. It's almost poetic, in a sense. Your descriptions are great and really let the reader be consumed.

And the cliffhanger at the end added to the fairytale-like nature of the plot. It's refreshing to see such an idea

I didn't spot any mistakes or errors, only potential to be a fantastic story. All in all, you have a very promising story.

Kansas Rhodes

Claimed

Death The Angel:

First off, the summary is really eye-catching and it instantly pulled me in.
So far you only have one chapter but I can already tell how amazing this story is going to be. I love the fact that the main character can't read emotion and isn't able to respond appropriately to emotional situations because it adds depth to the character.
I love the idea of something tragic happening and instead of the usual, going to the funerals, crying, emotional trauma you have them going on a road trip, that's so uncommon and unique, I love it.
I can't what to read more!

When the Moon Rises

Hi you guys, I came here because comment swap isn't working and someone told me to come here to do comment swap. Can someone tell me how this works? It would be much appreciated! :)