Breaking Their Hold - Comments

Ahhhh i missed a chapter....O.O
.....no joke the last two are really really amazing
they could at least escape but what about matt and pierre hope they didn't run in followers
Ohhh nooo they want to question Zacky please don't them hurt him he has to get a chance to escape too and you killed sophia :'( (at bleast she died for a good cause)
and don't worry about the violence i think we all can handle it
really looking forward for more
hope you update soon :)

This is story is truly amazing.
I love the suspence and how I can imagine it perfectly.
<3

This is amazing! The storyline you've thought up is fantastic and deserves awards! Can't wait to see how everything works out! Wonderful job, sweetheart! Please update soon.:)
^-^

damn awesome chapter
i was right they will, especially that bitch, realize it is not Mel and they realized it fast when they already send people after them and now they are already in really severe danger.Schlagger can't get them. Don't let them get caught it doesn't matter whom if it's matt, pierre, jmmy or mel! I don't allow you to let the story go that path.
but i feel sorry for Mel if i would have been in her place i would have broken down a lot sooner :( poor mel
yay you used my word "bony" i feel honored xD
really looking forward for more
hope you update soon :)

Wow. I just found this. The premise is extremely interesting and thought provoking. You have built a whole new set of rules but in a way that would make total sense. What makes the impact so great is that I could seriously imagine this being true.

When I saw Pierre's name I did a fangirl squeal...lol. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of both SP and A7X. Anyway, I think this is amazing so far. *clicks subscribe*.

oh great and intense chapter
Mel did really great so that that bitch didn't know she was awake
but what will happen to that woman it is a bit obvious because she is not as bony as Mel and that bitch knew Mel was skinny hope the woman (heh forgot her name) doesn't die
really looking forward for more :)

this is a really great idea for a story
how everything is forbidden by the government and people are in a way not allowed to love
i really like mel's character you can jus imagine how broken she is
jb and matt :'( poor fellas
latest chapter was really intense
really looking forward for more
hope you update soon :)

Story Review Game:

I don’t listen to Avenged Sevenfold, I don’t know anything about the band members as people so for as far as character development and realism, I won’t be able to go into very much depth about that. I will only be able to tell what I see- treating Jimmy like a character you’ve created.

The Lay-out: From what I gathered in the summary, the lay-out fit the story perfectly. I’m not usually a big fan of black and red, it seems a little too demonic to me, but yours worked so far. I also think that the picture you used was absolutely amazing. I loved that she was holding a little toy- it showed that Ms. Baker, or probably everyone included in the plot are very innocent but they are forced to do things by a higher power. It really just created a very good feel for the story.

The Summary: I liked that the entire summary was a piece of dialog. It put me right in the story without you even starting it yet. It gave me a good amount of information too, without going overboard. Now I need to know what happened before that piece of dialog to make that happen and I need to know what came of it. Excellent.

The Story: Chapter 4:

I love when writers start off their stories and chapters with dialog. It always sends me right into the story, no descriptions needed. It wasn’t an action-packed dialog either, but it still pulled me in. This line however, I found to be a bit awkward: I find it difficult to sleep when I should be. It all makes sense grammatically, I think. I just find the last be a little bit awkward and it interrupts the flow of your sentence. It’s probably just personal preference, but I would remove it. :/

She believed that Melissa had an ulterior motive…And she did.

I really liked this sentence but recently, I haven’t been a big fan of the triple stop. By recognizing the atmosphere of the sentences, I would know to leave a larger pause in between the two sentences. But leave it in, because it’s just my preference and you have yours. But also, I think that there needs to be spaces in between the periods.

-the lukewarm water hitting her frail, borderline-anorexic body.

In comparison with your writing throughout the rest of this chapter, this description fell short for me. There were so many other adjectives you could have used to describe her skinny body. Don’t just say she was ‘border-line anorexic’, tell us what that looks like. I assure you, the imagery people will get will be fantastic.

As she brushed her teeth for the first time in a week, she studied her face in the mirror, and found herself surprised at what she looked like.

I think the first comma should be a period. You’re kind of switching subjects. The sentence seems too long as in anyway.

I really liked that you called the sound of her Cell door closing lonely. It doesn’t really make sense when you really look at it, but I knew exactly what you meant. I was able to hear a sound and get a feeling from it. I love when writers try to evoke two senses with just one sentence.

The ending to this chapter was very good, very suspenseful. You left me wanting more without cutting the action short. This was very well-written. I didn’t see any spelling errors, I only saw a couple punctuation mistakes here and there.

^ Terribly sorry about that comment. I accidentally hit submit before I'd even started my review. And we all know how irritating it is not having an edit button anymore.

So, I'll start again:

Story review game

First of all, I really like this story. I've read the first chapter and am basing my review on it.

Even though it's a Jimmy story, who is still painful to read about right now, I was able to cross that bridge. I hung on every word, trying to figure out the Hospital and all the different possibilities. I always enjoy good Government conspiracy stories and this one was particularly well-written.

There's not much criticism I can give you on this. The only thing I'd like to see is more of Melissa's character, which I'm sure you've got in the next chapters (which I still have to read).

The one line I had an issue was is pretty small:

The shoes had been given by the hospital; she’d had no choice in them, like everything else.

Something about it flows a little awkwardly so I'd suggest maybe using a different word in place of 'given by'. Perhaps something like 'issued by the hospital' because it sounds more institutional.

Apart from that, excellent story. I'm going to read the next chapters and subscribe.

(:

Story review game

I really like this story :) Update soon please!!!!

I love Pierre Bouvier!!! I also love this story! keep on writing!!!!

Story Review Game
I really like the photo you used for the banner. Only, it’s a bit too large. Try using a site like Picnik to down-size it a little. I’m not too particularly fond of too large banners, but that might be a personal preference. Just looks a little too big. (:

I’m also not too fond of the giant font size you used. I’ve always seen giant font sizes as distracting and an excuse to make one’s chapters look larger. Those may not have been your intentions, but large font sizes make it seem like that. Try to put the font size down to a smaller font.

I do like the summary you’ve got there, it seems very intriguing. And I’m guess it’s a quote from the story? I guess I’ll find out as I read on. But it seems like it’s be a quote out of the story. A very intriguing one at that.

Chapter One
“Jimmy, don’t—“
Your second quotation mark is backwards… I’m sorry, I notice the smallest things. When you’re going to cut off one’s sentence, put the quotation mark first and then go back and add the dash. It helps, because then the quotation mark isn’t backwards.

“As for you, Mr. Sullivan, I’m sure the Doctor would like to know about your most recent of offenses.”
I’m not sure doctor should be capitalized here. It just doesn’t seem right… But I’m not entirely positive on it though.

No one could; at this point, even her own parents couldn’t do anything to stop them from hurting her.
I don’t think that semicolon belongs there. I think it’d be better if there were no punctuation marks there and it was simply No one could at this point,. Just seems like it would flow better that way.

The story was very interesting. I like the way you write. It flows really naturally, doesn’t seem forced at all. And the idea of the story is a very interesting one. Although I don’t know why they’re in there and I would have preferred you mentioned it somewhere in the first chapter, it was still an interesting fiction. Though Avenged Sevenfold fictions aren’t my thing, I enjoyed it quite a lot. The story was really well written and seems to have potential to be a good one. Nice job on it.