Creep - Comments

As soon as I started reading this I was intrigued. I have such a weakness for hip bones on men and porcelain white skin. I think the repetition of the word "bone(s)" is a great way to exemplify emphasis and illustrate the portrait you're trying to paint. In the second chapter I became very fascinated with the direction that you took this story. Your diction is flawless and has no trouble conjuring up imagery. I think you are very talented and this is definitely something I will be reading throughout my spare time. xx

This story is really intense, and I loved it :). Great job!

This is mesmerizing. I can't stop reading. The layout is beautiful in its simplicity and so is the writing. Excellent job.

This is so perfect. I adore your writing. And the character's obsession with bones is so entertaining and engaged. It seems so different and creepy, but your character makes bones seem so beautiful. Your character is so creepy and different. Both of your characters have such magic to them, only made stronger through your language. I want to know so much more about your characters.

Your metaphors, similies and language are all so gorgeous. They totally suck a person in. You make everything in this story seem so enticing and mysterious.

Is this story written from the perspective of anorexia? If so, you do such a beautiful job. Anorexia is such a vortex, and a life with anorexia seems absolutely enticing at the beginning. I love that you get that across. And how you really portray the monster-like grasp that anorexia can have on its victims.

Things I noticed:
In the first chapter, you wrote image instead of imagine, which I am guessing that you meant.

Your punctuation, especially when it comes to people speaking, is not quite correct.

For example:
"Bones" he whispers
should be
"Bones," he whispers

In the tenth chapter, the tense changes in one sentence.
"...a hand pushing his fringe back over his head as he glanced around, squinting and pulling his lips back."
The bolded word should be glancing.

Okay, so this perfect. That's all that really needs to be said. This entire story is so perfect and beautiful and simple and haunting and simply wondrous that it almost hurts. I like how you wrote it, how it's like narrator is kind of like looking and creeping and it's dreamy and lovely and dark and I loved it. c:

I like the ending. You're a fantastic writer. The mood, as the person who last commented said, is dark and haunting. It's also intriguing. I enjoyed this, I enjoyed reading it.

Wow, this is brilliant. The mood is so dark and haunting, like a dream. An amazing story that sent chills down my spine! Keep it up, i really enjoyed it!! :)

I'm only a few chapters into this be seems interesting so far. This is strangely haunting.

Oh my, I quite like this. c: Id really love to read more.

Yess~ I loved this, Creep is so damn addicting. It's like reading about what's going on in my head...or...eh, I don't mean to make it sound like I think it's about me, (duh, it's not) but...sometimes I feel the same way. I'm going to stop on that now before I make a stupidity out of myself.
This sentence... "I have becoming what I hate." doesn't make sense to me. Is it supposed to be this way?
But my oh my do I adore the vague luxury of this. Your words yank me in, but then shove me away once I'm hooked on the shortness in length. Aygh, so lovely.
Patiently awaiting the next chapter.
:3

I know I already put this on your profile.
But you are beautiful.
And this is beautiful.
God, I wish I could write like you.
I think I'm going to start a story in this fashion.
Late at night.
When my mind disappears.
It seems like good therapy.

And as sick as it is, I want nothing more than to lose weight like that.
I just.
Ugh.
Anyway.
This is gorgeous, dear.
Don't let stupid shit like that girl get you down.
Obviously if you're getting all these positive comments, then you're doing something right. <333

I hope you realize that if you're losing weight unhealthily you're only going to gain it all back and more. Be safe....

I just read this entire story from start to finish and it was amazing!! Cant wait for thd next update because this story is just,wow,so please update soon :)

yaaay you're back you're back!

And once more, I will say, I am in love with your talent for last lines and impact. I like how realistic his thought process is, and how it seems almost hurried and kind of... distorted? I don't know if that's the right word, but it makes me think of, like.. looking into someone's mind through a kaleidoscope. Everything is off, but it's somehow prettier that way; anyway, I'm not sure I'm explaining that right but I really enjoy how you can word things like that, yet still put it out in a way that is easy to understand.

Aw, yay! You're really welcome, tehe. :3
Oh, dang. How tall are you?
Ha, I weigh I think around 130 right now.. Lost about fifteen pounds in the last few months, and in the past year like 40lb. I'm pretty proud of myself. o-o I'm still overweight, though, for someone as short as I am. :/ My UGW is about what you are right now, haha.

The last line of the first chapter was probably one of the most perfect things I've ever read. It was so unexpected, yet so simple, and the impact was amazing. The perfect hook, that's what it was- pulled me in like nothing else.

Chapter Two: I'm falling in love with your last line skills. Your descriptions, too. And the way these thoughts feel so familiar, yet so unique; at least to me.

Chapter Three: "I'll fix him." [...] slow and painfully full. I'm loving this, I really am. Everything is so to the point, so plain, yet somehow... these words, these choices, they're... I don't even know the right word for them. They feel... floaty.

Chapter Four: The have to be light to fly. That is amazing, really amazing. You know, at first I didn't really like how the same words kept getting repeated (ie. bones, etc.), but now it's just... adding to the perfection that is this piece of writing. Bones, bones, everywhere, prettyprettypretty...

Chapter Five: ....Wow.

Chapter Six: That had been fun. Love it. "quite" should be "quiet," though, right? He enjoyed nails and teeth, bruises and scratches. I feel like this is bad for me (not in general, just me personally, for... personal reasons) to be reading, but... I really do not want to stop. It's fantastic. Terribly, horribly fantastic. I could do that, for him. Your one-liners really are the best. He stilled. Not surprising. Still effective.

Chapter Seven: Ouch.

Chapter Eight: Sleep is a predator that that won't catch me, I'm immune to it. There should only be one 'that,' right?

Chapter Nine: I like how short the chapters are, honestly. I think the impact just makes it that way, like this style wouldn't work as well with long chapters. Also, this scene was fantastic. I seem to be using that word a lot.

Chapter Ten: The first line made me smile, for some reason. Also, have I mentioned yet that I really like this layout? I feel like I should. shattered grass is that supposed to be "shattered glass"? And in He'd made a pretty skeleton, should that be "He'd make"? I really like this chapter, though, and how I can see these people both through his eyes and through mine, and I'm wondering why he's with even them.

Chapter Eleven: at a equally in the second sentence, you forgot an n, I think, because the a should be an an. ...There were far too many 'a's and 'n's in that. I like how the main character keeps pointing out that he 'used to be like that.' Do these characters have names? I'm realizing we've gone eleven chapters and I don't think anyone has been mentioned by name yet. Just "I," "him," "them." One step closer to pretty. That line, just.. wow. However, I am slightly confused about what happened at the end there. Is that someone else, then? All these 'he's are going to get confusing if no one has names.

Chapter Twelve: I've noticed you have a tendency to leave out punctuation and capitalization, especially around dialogue. This new character, though; intriguing.

Chapter Thirteen: Haha. I like the first line. The last line made me think of that creep-tastic skeletal (ha, nice) creature from The Lord of the Rings.

Chapter Fourteen: As a ugly that a should be an an, as well. This scene amuses me, honestly. I'm starting to smile at the main character's discomfort.

Chapter Fifteen: I don't know who this guy is talking to anymore. I really don't. Being alive hurts so, so much. I like that line, though.

Chapter Sixteen: Such pain, such hate - a fix of emotions made to cause pretty. I like that part. I think I know who's talking now, but I'm not absolutely sure. Like I said, don't these people have names?

Chapter Seventeen: Wow. This kid.

Chapter Eighteen: Another a that should be an an. Gosh, I can't even describe this anymore.

Chapter Nineteen: FINALLY. NAMES. Good girl. a pack of perfection. Yes, yes.

Chapter Twenty: I like this. Names. How names make him get so personal, how he thinks differently- how he seems to feel people and skeletons are different, and how he doesn't live by the rules of people but by the rules of skeletons.

Chapter Twenty-One: It used to be the thing I lived for, before the bones. Then a skeleton walked into my life. Perfectperfectperfect. Impact upon impact. How much is your ache? I want to scream.

Chapter Twenty-Two: The first line, I love. God, why did people have to eat? The winy tone in which my brain read this amused me greatly.

Chapter Twenty-Three: no, wait.

Soulless fucking skeleton.
just, just...

No rest for the wicked.
This all feels to real. What happened to him, though? I'm wondering.

Chapter Twenty-Four: It's all cold and floating, smoky and perfectperfectperfect. I love it. I love the words. I love the chills.

Chapter Twenty-Five: I absolutely adore all of the descriptions in this chapter. The wind versus heart thing got to me, too. A pretty boned skeleton with a smile and a head of words was my favorite part, though.

Chapter Twenty-Six: ...That guy's creepy. The pet names make it creepier. I'm not sure if I want to scream or strike or flee.
...Well, that was beyond rude. Shit.
You do seem kind of mean, though.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: It takes time to hate yourself, to get the self disgust just right.

Sometimes it feels like I have the world.

I eat too much to die, and not enough to stay alive.
I'm sitting in the middle waiting. This is one of my favorites. It's... familiar. Unique, like I said about the first bit(s). I like that the main character seems to be revealing more and more of reality.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: I like how fast this is compared to the rest of them. How it seems like things are building up, to something important that's just about to happen, just around the corner, just over the edge.
Oh, no, oh, dear...

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. Somehow I feel I should have expected that, but I didn't.

Chapter Thirty: at should be as. I like all the 'odd,' this one big mess of oddities. an an an.
A lovely label for my life.

"I'm fine."
Perfection.

Chapter Thirty-One: ....lovely

Chapter Thirty-Two: My own ghost of perfection stuck to my side ~ an easy fit into a category and such a pretty little label to stick on. Another fuck up from a dead generation. ~ and wow, life really isn't worth it. Favorites. Feeling sorry, again. Sorry instead of amused. Switchyswitch.

Chapter Thirty-Three: and the other boy hanging from the upper bunk laughs like it's funny to die. And I like where this is going. Maybe not in reality but my brain is buzzing with pleasantpleasantpleasure. I love how fast the words are.

Chapter Thirty-Four: It's incomplete - without a tock. Impact. Quick, quick, impact. It's like, it takes one to know one. Yes yes. "Your boyfriend?"

Stop.
Impact. Impact. Impact. I love this. She would forget about the make-up presents and Generation Screw Up. And he's dead. Hard to believe, yet simple; complex, yet predictable. You're amazing, you are.
And I love that he had a name, a long time ago.

This is such a beautifully dark story, sad and fulfilling.
I love it.
Please continue?

aaahhh i have missed this story so much omg, so glad you updated :) brilliantly haunting as ever xoxoxo

i miss this story