So Long You Pretty Thing - Comments

I really enjoy the idea you have behind this. It's creative, and you seem to have done some research on the topic.

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like you were trying to end every chapter with a dramatic sentence, especially the earlier ones. I would try to stray away from doing that too much. Personally, it turns me off.

I notice you use a lot of vague pronouns. 'He, she, they.' It was starting to look like overkill for me. There were even a few times where you would introduce a new thought, and I had to think to figure out who you were talking about.

I like how you really delved into Clair's character, and explained her to use quickly. She's antisocial, wants to travel, bad childhood. I also like how you emphasize Clair's fear of marriage and kids - it shows a fear of commitment.

Overall, I did enjoy this, despite what this comment may seem like. Just a few tweaks, and you'll have a really great piece. Keep on writing! :D

So i got here from comment swap and really to be honest fantasy isn't my favorite genre but this is ok. I'd say the few things that i didn't feel like were that great was the fact that she actually face palmed herself after the guy turned away i just think that seems kind of cheesy and if she's 28 it seems a little immature, i'm pretty sure a 28 year old would be whispering curses. Also you don't need to TYPE LIKE THIS to show if someone is angry or yelling you could say something like declared, said angrily, and other things like that, but i guess that's just my opinion. Overall i thought it was a very interesting story

Overall the summary is good, the only things being that instead of the "oh no" maybe you should take out the period after play, and put a "but" following so it would read "and she's ready to play, but she's not going to do it alone". Also, you spelled destinies wrong. I did really like the flawed-goodness part though because I adore it when people explore more into the traditional black and white, good and evil stereotypes. :)

I think that the prologue would work better as just a little tidbit before the first chapter, because it's not really a prologue at all, because you didn't technically write it. But I think it's really cool that you used a bible reference! I haven't seen that done often before.

I think the Claire had a British accent part is just a little awkward. Maybe have someone comment on it, and then her bring it up? Otherwise it just seems not in it's right place. After the "you" there should be a period and then a capital on he had a revolting. Again with she went back to ignoring him, period and then a capital. Unless it's a tag (he/she said) there shouldn't be a comma and lowercase.

Putting she had a desk like Harmony from Angel isn't really a good comparison mostly, well for me at least, I have no idea what that is, and it doesn't seem like a super-popular show so I wouldn't imagine a lot of other people would too. I'd just cut straight to the description of what it looked like.

Overall, it's a pretty good first chapter, a little short but otherwise it does a good job of introducing Clair. I like that I already have a feel for what her personality is like, just the way that she reacts to things and the conversations she has with people. For straight-forward, no nonsense from the way that she's itching for work and the way she completely blows off the guy. Obviously very confident, I can't say if maybe a little arrogant, by the way she assumes that he's going to hit on her. But she instantly warms up to him when she realises that he's got some knowledge in her interests, so she's not completely closed off. Even little things like that, I like. I can pick up on just from the way she reacts, it's great showing and not telling. And the little foreshadowing to the archangels was done really, really well.

It's a good opening chapter and has a lot of potential. :)

I really enjpyed reading this! I came here through comment swap and didn't really know what to expect. It is very well written and has a compelling storyline. Your attention to detail made my insides happy :) Fantastic job!

@ Livelaughlove1221
Clair is really fun to like, I'm glad you like her. Thanks a lot!

Comment swap brought me here:
Haha, let me start off first by saying I like your layout. It's simple and it doesn't draw attention away from the story. And the summary really got me interested with the story. After the first few chapters, I was hooked. You used plenty of detail and description and you kept me interested in the story because you went so into depth with it. This is an awesome story, keep it up because you’re a phenomenal writer.

(P.S. Clair is my favorite character :) )

@ A Dream So Sweet
Thank you for the kind words and I will be sure to check it out

I was sent here by comment swap, and happy for it! Haha, after reading this I'm not sure you'll want to read the story that I chose to get a comment for xD Nightwalker would probably be more to your taste, but so far, you really have me intrigued. I haven't seen many grammar problems, and you have decent sized chapters. Plus you have a very interesting plot, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

@ KissHer-KissHer.
It's well written because the prologue is from the bible. I would appreciate it if you judged my own work not the quote... thanks

I was brought by comment swap.

Fist things first: The title.
I really like it. It's unique.

The layout was kind of boring, but I can't say much, because I suck at making layouts.. xD

The story itself, what I read of it, was really well-written! It's not the type I generally like to read, but it was well-written.

I was brought by comment swap. First off let me say I love this story so far, but as others had said the layout is rather boring no offence. One thing I can relate to is Clair's interest in the gods/archangels as I study Mythology on my free time. The prologue, was not as interesting as to some of the others but I still love it none the less. Great job!

Hello there. I got here by comment swap. First, I just want to talk really quickly about the layout. It would be nice if you could add a picture, just to grab the readers attention; something that will make people want to read it even more. Other than the layout, the story is pretty good from what I've read so far, the prologue grabs the readers attention just how a photo would, but still a photo may do some good. I've gotten to chapter 3 and I like Liam and his mysterious ways, I'll be reading further. :)

Hello there. I got here by comment swap. First, I just want to talk really quickly about the layout. It would be nice if you could add a picture, just to grab the readers attention; something that will make people want to read it even more. Other than the layout, the story is pretty good from what I've read so far, the prologue grabs the readers attention just how a photo would, but still a photo may do some good. I've gotten to chapter 3 and I like Liam and his mysterious ways, I'll be reading further. :)

The story is certainly interesting. I enjoyed reading it. I want to know more about Michael. It's a really good idea and I like how you right. It makes it easy to tell who is speaking. I'll be tuning in for more. Keep up the good work. ^^

Comment Swap here! Oh hey there! It's funny cause I just started writing a sort of religious story and I thought I was the only one in here doing it :p
I'm not religious but I did read the Bible and it's a fascinating work of art. Your story is very well written and intense. I will be back later to read the rest and I am recommending and subscribing, definitely! Very good job.

Hello from comment swap! I have to say that I am not religious or into biblical stories, but your story caught me off guard. You have true talent and you write exceptionally well. Your knack for detail is exquisite and to me, that's what makes a story. I love the time you take to describe the surroundings and your characters, it makes me almost feel like I am in the story. Great job!! Keep it up. You are very talented!

Hello (: I'm here from comment swap. First off, I would like to say that I really love this story idea. I myself am not usually into biblical stories but the way you write it makes it very interesting.
The description of the demons were amazing. You really captured the essence of them.
The fact that each character has a very unique personality to him/her makes it much more believable.
The slight comical relief makes it even more fun to read and Clair's witty comments about pick up lines was a great way to help make me intruiged. I' m glad that I was given your story (:

Super interested in the story line and very well written! At first I was a little confused on what was going on but all the references gave me a good laugh! I'm interested to see what happens! Totally reccomending it to my friends! :)
xoxox

Dear Fellow Comment Swapper,

I am not one for the biblical war stuff, however I find your story interesting. I think you should definitely keep going! Personally, I haven't found anything wrong with your story and I would like to see you proceed with many more chapters and lots more reading fun!

-K

Chapter 5: A Small Truth & Chapter 7: The Visitor

Well now I am definitely curious about the war, and how Liam is involved. Wondering if he'll stop it and how, and whether he and Clair will get together, if they do. I have a feeling that Liam is an angel, not a demon.

Adam made Clair pretend to be his house keeper... That's messed up. I'd want to break up with him too, in that case.

This story has a lot of potential, but, as I have said, it does seem a bit rushed. And I can't help but feel distanced from the characters, like they're just passing forms. But good job on the story, keep writing.