So Long You Pretty Thing - Comments

[Comment Swap]

First of all, great Introduction! Even though I'm not Christian, I liked the message. I've only read the introduction and first chapter and I can tell you the stories are great. From moving to America to become the Secretary of law from under Hubert and son was phenomenal. The way you describe the facial of Clair was astonishing. In my imagination, Clair looked like one of those TATU girls. Overall great start.

I'm here because of the comment swap :-)

So I have only seen the first Prophecy and I thought it was fairly good. My husband and I bought this box set of strange movie and it just happened to be on there. So now I keep picturing all the characters in your story as Christopher Walken lol. But I picture Clair as Katie Hudsen, with the wavy blonde hair. I dig it haha. I also picture your vampires as the nasty mirror monsters from Constantine. Love me some Keanu Reeves lol

Your writing is very impressive, I feel like you describe things very well and the story is interesting. I don't believe in the bible really but I do enjoy stories based off it like yours and Constantine and Prophecy. There are some areas of your story that seemed a little rushed but for the most part it does well. Also maybe describe each location better so the reader can get a better picture of where you are. I feel kind of bad for Adam though, poor guy. But I'm only in Chapter 7 so maybe you'll give me a reason to dislike him later :-P Keep up the good work, I like it a lot.

(For comment swap)
Wow! Awesome story. Well written and very interesting. I had a great time reading it. Not much constructive criticism here! All I can say is maybe add a little more depth to your female lead. And I'm a little confused by the things she does. And the relationship between her and Liam moved just a bit quickly. Maybe should have let it develops a little more. But I've been guilty of that in the past, as well. Other than that, honestly, you're doing great. Keep up the awesome work!
-Kate

Comment Swap
As a military intelligence analyst, I have to read about 30 different documents that are short and to the point. That is a good aspect in my job, however, I feel like that's not how literary writing should go.
Let me start by saying this is an AMAZING idea for a story, and you're executing it well, however, here are a few things that I noticed, and if you pull these into your focus, you'll become a much stronger writer:
1. There is mininum detail; this is a wide aspect. There are small gaps in the story, and I feel like I'm fast-forwarding through a really good movie, but I don't get to know everything that's happening. This also affects the reader-character relationship. I find myself not knowing much about the characters, because we never get to see what they talk about, or what they do. This does not include cliffhangers.
2. There is no 'so what' in the story; Yes, Claire and the new guy walked to the cafe and got coffee. Is this a significant event or is it a filler? I see this as a trend throughout your story, and its not making me NOT want to read your story, its making me want to know MORE about whats going on. There is never anything wrong with adding more into a story. I'd really love to feel a connection with your characters and have a full understanding of what is going on in each scene.
3. Grammar; This is a small one, but I'd just read through your chapter once or twice to make sure everything sounds right. For the most part, it does, but there are always those one or two sentences.

Besides those three things, you have a spectacular plot. Its an original twist on religious characters. I'll definitely look out for updates!

Comment Swap
I like the foreshadowing, but I think the friendship between Liam and Clair moved a little quickly, but its still believable. Good Main ideas, just be careful of using slang and formal language together. I like where this is going, and I think it has potential to be pretty epic. Though if I'm honest I found the first few chapters a little slow. I dig the dry humor woven in, made me chuckle a little. Overall a great story so far, I like Clair's character, just be careful not to make her too perfect. Enjoyed it, just watch the occasional spelling errors. :)

Comment Swap
I like the foreshadowing, but I think the friendship between Liam and Clair moved a little quickly, but its still believable. Good Main ideas, just be careful of using slang and formal language together. I like where this is going, and I think it has potential to be pretty epic. Though if I'm honest I found the first few chapters a little slow. I dig the dry humor woven in, made me chuckle a little. Overall a great story so far, I like Clair's character, just be careful not to make her too perfect. Enjoyed it, just watch the occasional spelling errors. :)

comment swap.
I really like the foreword and the whole premise of the story. The banter between Clair and Adam was good in Chapter 4 (though I don't understand why she changed her mind), maybe add some dialogue like that for Clair and Liam if you're trying to make them more of a couple :)

comment swap.
i like this a lot! it's definitely original and new. i don't think i've ever seen anything like this on mibba or out in the real world before! it's a little bit difficult to follow at times, and i don't really understand why clair does the things she does (maybe develop her more), but i like it. there's a lot of promise here!

@ aleumdaunn.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

comment swap

the foreword really gets you thinking especially, so i was specifically excited as to be able to read something like this. the layout is rather simple and though i like it that way, i think if you tie in a pretty concept or so, it'll catch the attention of the audience a bit more. i don't think i've seen anything of this sort on mibba at all and...wow, i think this kind of became a guilty pleasure.

your chapters are long and eccentric enough to keep a reader attentive and alert and overall, the sum of the characters in just the first chapter is intriguing. well done!

@ seth meyers.
Thanks, I'll be sure to work on the flow. I'm glad you liked it.

Comment Swap!
All right. I am immediately going to commend for such a topic. I haven't seen anything like this on Mibba, which will instantly give you a thumbs up from me. And the story itself is actually quite interesting itself. And I won't comment I'll leave, I'll check your other link to read Cath to see where this goes. Also, watch out for flow! It wasn't awful, but sometimes I felt transitions were a tad choppy and like you were jumping from paragraph to paragraph rather than doing a smooth slide into the next sentence.

Other than that, well done! :)

@ DaisyBelladonna
Thanks, I'll work on it. :) Hope you enjoy Cath.

Comment swap.
The story you've created is very interesting. I have to comment on this one for my comment swap to register, but I will check out your other link. You write very well and it does have a nice flow to it. Sometimes you use too many forms of the word said, which is good, until it becomes overly used (only in a few parts) and chops up the conversation. Other than that, nice work.

I really like this it was diffrenent and enjoyable. Your descriptions are very skilled and the chapters aare enjoyable to read. No mistakes or anything and it was easy to follow.

Great Story this could go far~
Cora-

Dear author, that was quite the enjoyable story. The summary was rather interesting as well as the chapters. Your descriptions were detailed enough and I enjoyed the conversations. I think you did a pretty good job with the layout and the writing seeing as there were no grammar/spelling mistakes. The only thing I didn't like was the story's title. That's all from me so bye. ~Marian.

Dear author, that was quite the enjoyable story. The summary was rather interesting as well as the chapters. Your descriptions were detailed enough and I enjoyed the conversations. I think you did a pretty good job with the layout and the writing seeing as there were no grammar/spelling mistakes. The only thing I didn't like was the story's title. That's all from me so bye. ~Marian.

Never have I found a story with archangels in it, which I'm a huge fan of . Very creative, I love your your work is beautifully written. I don't usually comment on the layout unless I hate it and something needs to be fixed, but I liked it- didn't cause me to turn on default layout. Didn't seen any spelling or gramar so that's cool, I think you should definately keep writing this

i love this beautifully written all i needed to read was the first sentance and i was sold i love fantasy and anything to do with the gothic times and this was right up there with it keep writting and ill keep reading

So the begining is very slow, but I figure it due to the build up that's coming up. Most of the grammar and spelling is correct, I think I found a mistake in dialouge somewhere? Clair seems pretty intersting, maybe an angel? :) I really like this, and I plan to subscribe! Keep writing.