So Long You Pretty Thing - Comments

Prologue: I love the verses in here. It is the perfect piece for beginning a story about the upcoming war you implied you would write in your summary.

Chapter One (The New Guy): I do not like Alex, which is no surprise. Like you said in your writing, he is arrogant. And he's a pig.

Clair seems like a typical girl, which I like because most people do something crazy with their characters and it's nice to have a character who appears just like everyone else and is easily relatable to the reader.

Liam seems quite a character. He must be an angel, no? I assume so with the whole Raphael exchange between him and Clair. But then again, he could be a demon because of the cliffhanger you wrote at the very end.

Chapter Two (Coffee): Clearly, you are hinting at the fact he is probably immortal. That is interesting. I am still very eager to know if he is a demon or an angel.

I really like how you give subtle pieces in your writing that are meant to be put together at the end when all of them are found. I am subbing to this and anxious to read more about what is going to happen next.

(Comment Swap)

Layout - 2/5 stars. I'm not a fan of your layout. It's very plain, and the colors are more distracting than anything. It doesn't really mesh well with the mood of your story.

Grammar/Spelling - 4/5 stars. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, and although I didn't notice any technical grammar issues, I do want to note that your writing sounds really droning when you repeatedly use the same sentence structures. Try adding more complex sentences along with your basic sentences and average compound sentences. Variety is the spice of life.

Characterization - 2/5 stars. I have several issues with the way you went about this. For one, you presented the information ns chunks. Characterization shouldn't be handled that way; it should be more subtle, liberally sprinkled throughout the whole story. We don't need your lead character's entire past in the first chapter. It doesn't seem to belong. No one thinks about their past that much at the office. Plus, it is so boring when written that way. Letting your reader slowly learn about a character will ultimately add a lot to the reading experience.

Also, your characters seem a little flat. We know so much about Clair's history, and yet so little about Clair. Her personality isn't showing through very well at all. All I've really gathered is that she's impulsive and a bit bitchy. I love that she has human flaws, that she jumps to the conclusion that this guy at her desk must be there to hit on her, but having flaws doesn't make a character. Your readers need to connect with Clair on a deeper level; she needs more, more, more personality.

Writing Style - 2.5/5 stars. As I mentioned in the grammar/spelling section, your use of repetitive sentence structures can really be droning, and personally, I found my attention drifting away. It didn't really pull me along very well. The description was choppy—skipping from what was happening in the office to big chunks about Clair—and it just generally didn't flow well.

Plot - 3/5 stars. I'm going to agree with Siren. on this matter. Some of the things that happened just don't seem believable. Clair jumps all over him then agrees to coffee a little too quickly. It's confusing—is she on this guy or off him? Also, in an office setting, it seems kind of strange that they just went out for coffee before she even really knew who she was talking too. Bad employee conduct there. Little bits like that can change a reader's perception of a story, and can really bring your story down. It's something you might consider tweaking.

Overall Impression - 3/5 stars. This needs work. It has a lot of potential, but potential isn't always enough. This needs tweaking. Perhaps consider getting a beta reader, or getting a trusted friend to look over your work for quality and consistency. I think you've really come up with a good, original story line. I would like to read more so, don't take this comment the wrong way. I'm not trying to get down on you, but I don't want this story to be just decent—I'd like to see it be great.

So I’m here for the comment swap and I have to admit I am not really into the whole angel-demon shindig but this is good. You write really well though sometimes you tend to rush a bit, nothing too bad. Maybe adding more detail and description would help a bit with that specific situation. And the bible quotation-reference thing gives a nice touch to it. Also, the title is a bit too literal… neh, I dunno… and you could do so much more with the layout. But hey, keep up the good work and good luck :D

Comment Swap
Layout It was a bit plain, and not very much to look at, but it made it very easy to read what you wrote. :)
Content The first chapter was very interesting, as it was from the bible and I've never even opened one, let alone read anything. The 2nd chapter was... well you jumped right into things, which was good, but you should definitely use a bit more detail: what's her office like? And the desk she's sitting at? But yeah... the end was a bit rushed as well. The 3rd chapter, same as the 2nd, seemed a bit rushed.
Note for later: 3rd person is really great if you want to give more details, but 1st person is really good if you want to give details, be inside the character's head, and get to know other characters, all at the same time.

*comment swap*
I love the archangels and the mythology behind them. In fact, Michael's my fave (kinda has to be... named after him lol) so I'm finding this really interesting. Also, big Whedongeek so I loved the reference to Harmony's desk *jealous* from Angel. I'm looking forward to read more as I would like to know which angel Liam is....

I'm not a huge fan of reading about angels and heaven and hell and war between them. It bores me. But your writing was very good. You just seem to rush. It's always chapter 2 and she's already soon about to find out who he is. You need more detail about your characters.

Heeey!! i'm from the comment swap. :) so, i love the description to start off, it really catches your attention, and it got me really interested. Your writing is very good, and i loved this story so much. Keep up the good work!! :D

I honestly didn't catch any interest when I first began to read the introduction. But, i began to take interest in it from the Prologue. I like how you made a relevant referance to the bible in the beginning. I also liked the way you started off your story.

I thought I'd start this off by stating that I was absolutely in love with this from the moment I saw the title; it's absolutely epic.
The summary is excellent, also. It really draws you in.
Layout wise; I think that you should settle with something different as it is highly distracting, bright and, er, painful to eyes. If you're set on red, I'd go with just a darker shade of it. However, I do like the simplicity of it.

Great work. I enjoyed reading this. (:

i think you should change the layout. something softer, more visually stimulating. the red is far too bright, and for night owls like me it hurts our eyes i also think that you didn't explain clair nor liam well enough, you just sort of jumped into things. their meeting and them suddenly going out to coffee is very unrealistic, maybe him returning to her desk a couple times, THEN she asks would be much more proper. other than that, i very much like the idea, and i subscribed!

Hello, fellow Comment Swapper. I was intrigued when reading the summary though I did notice a few spelling mistakes within it and I think it could be reworded to sound more mysterious so that a possible reader would be more intrigued to find out what happens. I also think you could shift what is currently the prologue into the summary so that the reader could gain more insight and context into your story before actually reading it. Within your actual story, I think the descriptions fall a bit flat: the details seem to be recounted as opposed to being described. Maybe you could try incorporating other senses into your descriptions: smell, touch, taste and sound, not all description should be visual. Perhaps you could try this technique when describing places or characters, like when we first meet Liam. Instead of identifying his hair and eye colour straight away, try a paragraph about Clair not realising he was standing above her desk (or maybe she is but is just ignoring him because she is wary of him) until the scent of [insert scent here] intruded her nostrils, or something like that. Just rewrite or edit until you feel happy with the passage and feel like it flows together. I hope I've helped

For starters, I think you should find a more fitting and visually stimulating layout. It would add to the story more.
Um, I noticed that in dialogue you tend to end sentences with only commas when there should be periods. You should correct that.
The descriptions are a bit dull and mundane, you should try sprucing them up a bit more to make it more interesting to read.
I found the characters...lacking. They seemed flat. At least to me, that is.
I hope I'm not coming across as to criticizing. I think you have a good start.
I just hope you could take the time and try and improve on the writing overall and expand the characters a bit more; make me feel like their real.
But overall, it's not bad. I wish you luck with it :)

Hey this is a good start to your story, I think if you added a little more description that would be great, if you gave a bit more background on Clair, but it's still early so you can always add that in in later chapters. It was a good start to your story, I think you should keep writing, that's the only way to get better but so far so good i like it

I prefer to give constructive criticism when I comment as opposed to the usual fluff piece that everyone else gives. So hear it goes. To start things off, I thought the whole background to the story was a bit weak. you didn't really get to know Clair as a character; you just got to know a few things about her. Secondly, it was never truly stated that Liam was a new employee, just that he walked off the elevator. For all she knows, she could be asking out a client; or at least that's how it appears to the reader. And lastly, you were a little too detail oriented in things that didn't matters so much, like the desk, and less detail focused on things that did matter, like what was going on around her. You were somewhat descriptive, but still lacking. I can say that I like the plot, I gathered a vague picture from the summary, but was turned off by the writing. However, that's just one person's opinion. I felt as though this story might've been better written in first person perspective as opposed to third. However, once again, that's just one person's opinion. Also, the prologue didn't explain anything about Liam or Clair, just about the war of heaven. It was very confusing. In all honesty, I think it should be thoroughly revised.

Hmm quite interesting. I've read a story or two similar to this, but this is still rlly unique, get me? I like how u write, its rlly fluent. Like in ch. 2, rather then flat out say "She has blonde hair," you fit it in to be part of the story, " twirl it in her naturally golden blonde hair." I also rlly like how u try to get specific things spot on and that u say u'd research it. Its cool that u like the details to be right. That all being said, I do agree with quite a few of the reviews here on Claire, u follow some of their advice n this story will b golden(:

For some reason the comment swap sent me here a second time, so I apologize for having to post another useless comment. So basically, just ignore this and refer to the comment that I already posted.

For some reason the comment swap sent me here a second time, so I apologize for having to post another useless comment. So basically, just ignore this and refer to my other comment.

I agree with the person who last commented. I thought that this could have used more description in most parts. You got the point across, but it seemed dull and a bit boring the way that you chose to do it. The word choice could have been better, but it's a good idea none the less. I don't usually read things like this, which might be why I wasn't very fond of it, but keep writing!

Personally, I think this lacked discription...
Also, that big chunk of text where she ranted, made my eyes wander else where. I can't properly explain why this happened, but I tend to get bored when the characters talk for too long.

I can see the type of person she is, but I can't really relate because you haven't gone into depth with the way she thinks.

Other than that, I am excited about what is to happen. The plot has otential and I think it's great.

A few mistakes, but nothing too big. Keep writing.

Officially subscribed. To be honest, once I read "angel" I thought this was a fanfiction about the book series "Hush, Hush" by Becca Fitzpatrick. Anyways, thats not why Im here am I? (Comment Swap) I really got into the story but I felt it may have been a little too early for ger to catch on wih the "silly humans" thing. Still, thats my opinion. Im not the author am I? Hehe. Well I hope this helps kind of. Lots of love and luck to you with your writing.
-NatalieDeJayy<&3