Forbidden Sunset - Comments

I think she is his mate or part vamp

@ cadaveres literarios
First, thanks for the comment. Like a said in one of my "Author Notes" at the bottom of the chapter, constructive criticism is appreciated. Otherwise I won't grow as a writer.

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I tried not to do a repeat for the layout, but I didn't like it. The story covered up half of picture, and I really wanted the readers to see the full thing. At the end of the story, you'll find out why I chose it for my layout.

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I kind-of hate reading stories with grammar mistakes, so I try not to make sure every word is spelled correctly. I also make sure that there is the right punctuation for each sentence. So thanks for commenting on that. It's the simple things that help the story flow properly.
For the paragraph/ dialogue thing, I'll fix that after I'm done replying to your comment. Thanks for sending me the link, I had no idea.

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It's kind-of hard to tell the readers about Emily without the dialogue. Most of the story is told through her point of view, so she wouldn't really talk about herself. And in chapter 4 (I know that your not there yet, but hear me out) you learn more about Emily and no one speaks.

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Thanks! I have read a lot of vampire slave stories where the victim can't defend herself and is hopeless. I wanted to change mine and add a twist to it. She puts up a lot of fight, and that's what I really like about her.

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Thanks for keeping an open mind, I really appreciate it. I'll make a few changes to the story to make it better.

I read chapter 1 and chapter 2, let me get started on the review.

Layout
I'm not fond of the way you have the background image set to repeat, as if it was a tile; it would look lovely to have it just as a banner and a color that contrasted with it as the actual background; I'm a fan of simple layouts, so I did not quite like the one you have.

Grammar-wise

I didn't see any outstanding grammar errors, if any at all; what I did notice is that you do not have your paragraphs separated and it looks cluttered when reading through the story. Normally, for starting a new paragraph you click "enter" twice, so it leaves that space that prevents the story from looking cluttered or getting the reader confused and overwhelmed with the view of the writing content.

Same rule applies to dialogue. Here a helpful resource for writing dialogues: Here!.

Content
I read chapter 1 and 2 (I'm no good at keeping up with chaptered stories, but I'm really trying to ). Vampire stories are usually not my thing to read about (last vampire novel I read was Anne Rice's Blood Canticles, so yeah, long time ago), but I decided to keep my mind open and give it a try.

I think you need to work a little bit on characterization, because so far we only know of Emily through dialogue. Actually, the first chapter came as shocking, having someone bully her and then at the very last part we find out it was an ex-best friend of hers. I think giving a steady pace that allows for introductions, background stories, etc. aids a lot on characterization.

The second chapter, I like that you make her a fighter. Usually these "kidnapped by____" stories make the female character very weak and unable to defend herself, but she put up a good fight before going down. This demonstrates character and I think you can work from there to make her more round and realistic.

Overall

I think your story has potential and that by polishing those simple things it would make an amazing one. Like I've said, vampire stories are not my type of stories, but I see potential and I think you'll keep growing as a writer by learning from practice.

@ nedfrid.
I thought Liam would be a good choice too!
I'll break up some more dialogue, sorry if it is confusing.
Thanks for reading/commenting!

Ahhh Liam Hemsworth, love me! Nice choice :3

Anyway, I haven't read a vampire story in ages and I quite enjoyed this one! I'm only on like chapter 3, but I promise to read the rest of it when I can!

I would just like to suggest you break your dialogue up into separate lines instead of putting them into one paragraph.

@ Lorcan Furey
Thank you! I was just trying out the quote thing, and I'm glad you like it! I'll be sure to post one at the top of each chapter!
The end of chapter 9 really got to me too because it was a pinkie swear and those should never be broken. I almost cried too, and I'm the one who wrote it!

Oh my gosh I really like this! I love the quotes at the beginning of each chapter especially the one on chapter four. And I love how as you went along the chapters got longer, and how they were separated by point of view within the chapters, that was really nice because it would've been very confusing had you just left like a break in the paragraphs and changed point of views without warning like some stories I've read. You've got a good story here and I'm eager to read more of this.

P.S. at the end of chapter nine, that pinkie swear? Yeah, may or may not have cried at that part. :)

@ ebony_goddess
Cool, can't wait!

@ January Rose
yep, tonight. Like right now. Just finished writing the chapter

@ ebony_goddess
Thanks!
The cousin and Emily will definitely have an interesting relationship.

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Hey, are you going to update your story soon?

@ January Rose
What do you mean you didn't think it was the best. I was reading it with the biggest grin on my face, I bet I looked mental. Can't wait to meet him because from like the way they were talking about him I have a feeling his gonna be yet another interesting character. I can't wait for him to clash with Emily aswell. I have a feeling there is going to be a LOT of drama in the future. I'm definitely staying tuned till the very end.

@ ebony_goddess
I like your guess! Really long, in the right direction!

The father will be in more chapters later on, but for the most part the only parent Jake is close to is his mother. His Dad is to busy running the kingdom.

Thanks! I thought it wasn't the best chapter, but I guess I was wrong... !

The cousin will be introduced in the next, next chapter and he is a very important role in the story (you'll find out why soon)

Emily's personality really comes out in the next chapter (which I'll be uploading tomorrow or Monday) so stay tuned!

Thanks for reading!

Omdz, is she like a vampire too and like maybe her human parents are not actually her human parents and she is the heiress to the throne for another vampire kingdom place and her vampire parents did something to make her human but now it is fading away and she is slowly gaining her powers :O <---lol straight off Vampire Knight. But on a serious note, she has vampire ancestors probably. Oh, just wanted to say....this chapter was BRILLIANT. Best one yet. Darn the cliffhanger but I just enjoyed reading. The father was introduced, though hopefully more about him will be mentioned in the future. There now is the mystery of this cousin who I so want to read about in the near future and Emily is just amazing. Great chapter :) update soon.

@ Star Angel
His bad behavior defiantly comes back and bits him on the butt, not in the next chapter, but the one after that.

hes a jass who needs his butt wiped into shape update soon

More soon please love this I would kick his ace just for the fun of it lol

@ January Rose
I see a lot of crazy in the near future. Do update soon lol

@ ebony_goddess
The Mom is interesting. On one hand she wants all humans to be free and treated equally with vampires, but on the other hand, she was the one organizing Emily's kidnapping. So she is kind of bi-polar.

@ January Rose
It's great reading about their bickering. Omdz I bet it's gonna so awkward if she gets feelings for him because he will be able to read her mind and know what she is thinking. SHAME. I do feel for her. The mother is quite......interesting you know. I wonder what they want to do with Emily.

@ ebony_goddess
Thank you! I'm love writing the arguments for these 2 characters since they don't get along at all. They do bicker for pretty much the whole story, except maybe at the end.
I'll update maybe later tonight or tomorrow...