Forbidden Sunset - Comments

I love the whole bickering going on between Jake and Emily. I really hope they stay like this FOREVER!!! Though that might not happen :( some of the bits were comical, especially that thing about "we don't glow or sparkle" that was brilliant. Loved it. Update soon

@ ebony_goddess
Yup

@ January Rose
I can imagine, its usually the interesting characters that are always hard to write about

Really really good :)

@ ebony_goddess
He is. A part of him still wants to defend and help Emily but a bigger part of him wants her to suffer.
He's an interesting (and sometimes hard) character to write.

Jake is a bit of a prick but I don't particularly find him annoying. His somewhat an interesting character

like i said before kick his ass and make him cry see how he likes being controled lol update soon

@ ForeverARedHead
Thank you!

I went through your edited chapters, it reads much better and the latest chapter was by far every amusing. The paragraphs are easier to read now and I like the way it's going, I hope you update soon. :-)

@ MorningRevolver
The next few chapters are up if you want to read and comment on them!
Oh, by the way, Jake gets a bit meaner...

@ ForeverARedHead
I went through the whole story and edited it. There are more breaks for dialogue and more room between words and sentences.
The next chapter is up if you want to read it!

love this please update soon like right now i would so like to kick his familys butt

@ ForeverARedHead
Thanks for the constructive criticism. I really appreciate your help and I'll make some changes so that the story flows more.

It's a good start but there needs to be paragraph breaks for dialogue it's just a huge block of it on some chapters but I can see you're still working on fixing some of your chapters :-) ok I like the plot, it's actually very unique for a vampire's story. I think some things could be strengthened, like some of the dialogue but for what you have written I like and have recommended it because I see a lot of potential in the story and think that it will go far. The title itself is intriguing and is bound to catch attention. All in all it's good, just break the paragraphs and you'll be good to go. :-)

i would kick some vampires asses lol update soon

@ sydni.
Thanks for the constructive criticism, I have defiantly made some changes to the story layout so it is easier to read.

Alright, let's get to work!

I noticed a few errors, such as improper spacing with paragraphs. It made your sentences looked all bunched up and kind of hard to read. Your layout made it a bit hard as well, with the grey font color and the yellow background. Perhaps change the font to black to make it a bit easier to read?
I like the idea you have for your story, I can't say it's my cup of tea, but I think you've done well with a story plot that can be overdone. I feel sorry for Em, she shouldn't have to be forced to get married to an undead dude, haha. Good job so far!

I would be pissed at her and her family I would be like wtf is ur problem u could have asked but no

@ Star Angel
You will probably like chapter 6 & 7 the most than. They are coming soon!

update soon and kick his butt lol