It Was a Transparent World - Comments

@ Stormborn
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked this!

@ Synyster Vengance
Yay! Finally I'm Tipsy Senpai sama!

I love the ominous tone of this story, I couldn’t wait to find out after chapter 1, what Myra was doing in her room, why she wouldn’t let her parents in and why her brother wouldn’t come to her aid and why her parents were so distressed. One criticism is in the second chapter how he says, “brother doesn’t have time right now.” I just don’t think it sounds like realistic dialogue to me, I feel like putting it in the narrative would’ve worked just fine. I also really liked the wandering soul trope, I love reading books/stories with it and really want to write one of my own. I like Adam’s chapters too, even though I don’t like him as a person, when he described how Myra met a ghost as a child on Halloween and it was trying to kill her and then when Myra was haunting him. I really can’t wait to find out what’s going on, you’ve done great making it mysterious and suspenseful. I really want to know who Night is. I also really liked the Guide to Wandering Souls and the messengers and the wishes ghosts can make, it reminds me of Beatle Juice for some reason, one of my favorite movies of all time.

I love the ominous tone of this story, I couldn’t wait to find out after chapter 1, what Myra was doing in her room, why she wouldn’t let her parents in and why her brother wouldn’t come to her aid and why her parents were so distressed. One criticism is in the second chapter how he says, “brother doesn’t have time right now.” I just don’t think it sounds like realistic dialogue to me, I feel like putting it in the narrative would’ve worked just fine. I also really liked the wandering soul trope, I love reading books/stories with it and really want to write one of my own. I like Adam’s chapters too, even though I don’t like him as a person, when he described how Myra met a ghost as a child on Halloween and it was trying to kill her and then when Myra was haunting him. I really can’t wait to find out what’s going on, you’ve done great making it mysterious and suspenseful. I really want to know who Night is. I also really liked the Guide to Wandering Souls and the messengers and the wishes ghosts can make, it reminds me of Beatle Juice for some reason, one of my favorite movies of all time.

@ Tipsy Returns
You're welcome, Senpai^.^

@ Synyster Vengance
Yayy! Thanks for your comment and rec Syn-chan!

I like this... It's different from what I've read before, but it's a good different.

@ Katie Mosing
Yay! Ty for the comment! But the suspense starts from nect chapter, if you're willing to read haha! Ty again

The first chapter is very ominous. I like how it paints a picture in your mind of this weird little girl and her parents trying to get in the room. I can just imagine all the things that she could be doing, like hurting herself or someone else, to make her parents do that.

The second chapter was very sad. I can't imagine what it would be like to reach out to someone and have them not be there. I can imagine her brother would regret that if he knew what was going on.

I had a feeling he would regret what had happened. It's so sad he had to find her dead like that. I can't even imagine how horrible he must feel!

@ Let Live Again;
Okay. Thank you! (:

I love the style on this story a lot. It makes me think a lot reading about how she's re-thinking things and hearing the voices through the doors I only read the first two chapters as I don't have much time but I will read more when I have more time.

@ Tipsy Returns
You're welcome darlin. :).

@ Pyromancer Hina
Oh yeah! I know...I'll just fix it...LOL Andyep YAY for randomness!

@ Tipsy Returns
Aha okies. It's not stupid. The title coloring was just a bit bright. YAY FOR RANDOMNESS! Sorry.

@ Proud Saiyan Warrior
Thank you! Wish me all the luck in the world haha. I love you so much haha.

@ Pyromancer Hina
Haha Hina you're so adorable Don't worry...my randomness may bother you too haha And and I'll take care of this stupid layout *rubs hands* hahah Thanks for the pre-comment bwhahahah!

@ Lady Nikki Nightmare
I should be able to explain her thought process more clearly in the chapters to come...or so I hope XD Thanks for the comments Bells!

This is a pre-comment comment kinda thing because I just thought I should warn you about how I comment. I kinda ramble and I might go off topic a bit. I also tend to make separate comments for separate chapters because I don’t like cluttering up one big comment for the entire story. I think that’s all you should know, besides the fact that I point out mistakes. XD

Anywho, on with the real part of the comment!

I love the layout. It’s simple and pretty. The title is a bit spooky, as is the picture but I think that was what you were aiming for. I would suggest making the title a little more transparent, not just to match the words in the title but so it won’t be so bright and hard on the eyes. But don’t make it so transparent that it’s hard to read either. Sorry for the small ramble. The summary definitely has me wondering who lost what? It’s mysterious and Hina loves a mystery. *insert Scooby-Doo Music here* I apologize, I’m being a bit random.

Chapter 1
Such a short chapter! I love it though. I suggest adding a teensy bit more detail to flesh out the scene a little more. Like maybe describe what her parents are reacting to her creepy impassiveness and definitely describe what the girl is doing. Is she sitting against the door? Why is she barring the door? Of course I'm sure the second question will be answered in the other chapters. I see no errors, which is a good thing.

-Hina

What's with the ring? Don't tell me I want to find out through reading... But seriously what's with the ring. And I still love her thought process. It's like... I don't... no, I don't....I definitely done...Maybe I do...so Do I?

It makes me laugh. and Myra seriously scares me when she does that mood switch thing. I love it though.

I just love how she's second guessing herself constantly! It's really human, a shifting mind with lack of apathy! It's so rare to see portrayals of actual raw emotion and indecision, you've done well in displaying that.

I'm very intrigued by Myra's and Night's relationship, it has an interesting dynamic, it's like he's trying to help but pulling her down at the same time. I can't decide if I hate him or not, haha.

:D I can tell this is gonna get even more interesting!