Death Reports - Comments

Thank you so much for your detailed observation. I really appreciate it. I've been thinking about your words and I must say, I see my "mistakes". As I've already written the rest of the dancefloor murder, (I just have to post the rest of chapters) I'll think twice while writing the next ones. Keeping your words in mind (:

No doubt you can write, but I'm disappointed in how resolutely you cling to the devices of your genre. I'd like to see you stretch the story beyond normal form for film noir mystery and make it your own. You're very good within this format, but you're letting the format control your story; instead of hearing you, I'm hearing a stock story, almost inevitable, you know?

You're writing beautifully at some points, but at others I think it becomes too "cinematic," too "graphic novel." Those hollywood lines like "This is a life. My life." ultimately detract from the great power of the rest of your words by overdramatizing to the point of near self-parody. I think you have a lot of potential, it's just a question of whether or not you cease pigeon-holing yourself.

Oh, and just one quick thing, it only bothered me a little bit in this context, but starting with the character waking up has become a real cliche. It's the equivalent of "it was a dark and stormy night."

Kerplunk Girl:

Who killed his wife?! :cheese:

I shall be waiting for part three!

It's still great, you need to write more stories!
You would take over the whole mibba with the way you write. :cheese:

You will find out who killed his wife :D It's far away from an end (:

I'm really glad you like it. I'll update it soon. soon (:

Who killed his wife?! :cheese:

I shall be waiting for part three!

It's still great, you need to write more stories!
You would take over the whole mibba with the way you write. :cheese:

Sneki:

It's amazing. I want more. :]

Thank you, you'll get it like.......... Tommorow. :D

It's amazing. I want more. :]

I actually can't believe what I'm reading :D It makes me tremble and stuff. I'm so glad you liked it. Chapter 3 is ready, I just have to post it :) Now I'm gonna work on my layout (:

Thank you , guys.

And seeing that you find me talented... Wow. :hug:

I'm hardly the best anything on here. >.< There are a few people here on Mibba who really amaze me with their talent and you're on of them.

This update was so good. I really felt Sean's pain and confusion and that drowning sensation was captured perfectly. This all just left me looking forward for more. :D

:shock: This was so good!!!
I agree with Sara, this story's totally different than any other on Mibba. I love the narration, it captivates the reader and makes him yearn for more. And the plot's thrilling!
I'm seriously looking forward to more

Bastard Son.:

I read the first and only chapter so far all in one breath. Your style is different from any I've read so far and I read a lot on here. And it seems to be a story of my favorite genre, so I'm really looking forward to that update, y'know?
And one more thing, the short, choppy form of your sentences - brilliant idea. This is just a big wow.

OMG! OMG! I will fall off a chair. Like, right away. Immediatelly. I can't believe it. You're like the best writer here, everyone says only the greatest things about your stories... You... You... OMG! THANKYOUSOMUCH! SO MUCH! Honestly, I'm shaking. I'm all WOW now. Like, hyper and stuff THANKYOU, SARA!1

I'll update it as soon as possible. Probably tomorrow! OMG! *dies*

I read the first and only chapter so far all in one breath. Your style is different from any I've read so far and I read a lot on here. And it seems to be a story of my favorite genre, so I'm really looking forward to that update, y'know?
And one more thing, the short, choppy form of your sentences - brilliant idea. This is just a big wow.

Good! I can't wait! :D

Kerplunk Girl:

I really liked reading that, it's very original, probably the only story like this on mibba.
Well done.
You write really well, and writing it in first person dialog in such a way. It just brought it all together.
Write more! 'Cause I want to read it!

OMGTHNXSOMUCH!1 :D

I'll update it as soon as possible. Chapter 2 is ready, I just need to post it :D

I really liked reading that, it's very original, probably the only story like this on mibba.
Well done.
You write really well, and writing it in first person dialog in such a way. It just brought it all together.
Write more! 'Cause I want to read it!