Many a Moon - Comments

Four words: Your. Story. Is. Cool.

I can't describe it in any other way. God, the trolls chapter was an awesome battle scene which means that your description (if it is possible to improve on) of the next battle will be epic. The rebel? Ah, I thought for sure she was done, but that wouldn't make a long story would it? Keep it up because I am truly obsessed :)

(I'm commenting as I read)

Chapter three: Oh, the Queen is pregnant, and shes immortal? That just adds to my excitement. I loev the fact that she has to kill some trolls. xD I just don't see trolls in stories anymore. I felt bad for Jeremy 'cause he seemed so excited to go, but couldn't. He reminded me 9of a child at that part. I am really liking Tierra's personality.

Chapter Four: This chapter was very mysterious to me. Or maybe it was that vampire girl. I loved the way you described her 'cracked' skin being like a dolls. I easily pictured it.

At the center of her hands a thin line started slicing into her palms, they started ripping open, black liquid pooling out of the tears and leaking down the center of her palms onto the table.--I loved this sentence a lot! You're a pro. Like, seriously. And, ohmygoshness. That must have hurt when the vampire was pushing the crystals into her. I shivered at that part. Again, because of your amazing description, I pictured that part perfectly-thus making me shiver. Ugh, more mystery! Is this 'Venna' good or not? Tierra isn't good? Goshness, I need to find out. This was absolutely not a lame chapter.

Chapter Five: Eww. 'yellow pus-like blood' Yuck. Another shiver. Dude, I lurve the action in this chapter. It isn't boring like those lame fighting scenes that start out like, 'She kicked him and then he punched her...' -.- It's making me read fast again >.<

The twenty-ish chapter; when you described...the mother of the trolls. I almost gagged. Not 'cause your writing was bad ('course not) but 'cause the imagery I got was too vivid. And the eggs? Gah. Ah! Goshness why did everything 'go black' at the end? I hope it isn't Tierra. She seemed so nice. >.<

Chapter six: Aha. My banner looks all strange to me now that I look at it. o.o
Tierra's BROTHER. More excitement. He seems like he his searching for revenge or something. I thought it was a little funny when he recognized Ashley's name. He seemed all scared. Aww, he died.

Anyways, lovely updates. <3

Chapter 4:

Aw, it wasn't a lame chapter.

liquid topaz eyes
I'm quite intrigued by that bit. I really want to know who that was and if he/she will be in the following chapters.

The rips started widening turning into long star shaped gashes, and a black stained crystal was slowly rising out of both of them.
I think there should be a comma between widening and turning.
That certain chapter confused me. Maybe you can try adding a bit more clear detail as to what was happening. I had to reread to fully understand what was going on.

You gave a bunch of information, if, of course, what that vampire said was true. I'm guessing there are deep secrets between everyone that Ashley doesn't know about. Definitely something that peaks the interest of alot of readers.
I just realized, that this story reminds me of that one series, Sanctuary, there's even a blonde girl named Ashley there. x3 And she's got some mad fighting skills.

Chapter & Chapter 6

Nice! Filled with action and yellow troll blood and giant troll mothers! I have to say this is my favorite chapter so far, it's packed with alot of things. Wonderful description, a vivid scene.

Wait, did she kill Tierra's brother?
I'm kinda iffy as to figuring out what the plot is about. There are a few connections I'm making but tis all. Which is good, keeps the original interest from the first chapters and whatnot. For some reason, Ashley is starting to annoy me. :\

Comment swap
I can already tell it`s fantasy
awesome
(:
I figured the guy was her partner not enemy guess i was wrong
I`m guessing they are going to end up falling in love
she seems like spiderman lol
danger is always an exciting thing to read about
like how she is in danger
you have very long chapters
I`m not sure if headquarters should be captilized
I grabbed onto it and without hesitation the helicopter lifted me from the water and began flying to Headquarters
that`s just like avenue
if you say avenue alone it`s not captilized but if you say a specfic one like Bob Avenue it`s capltilzed
I think that`s the same with headquarters
I took a while to figure out i didnt even know her name lol
also sometimes you say Headquearters and other times you say Head Quarters???
I really like it
and this is only based on the first chapter
if you remind me some time
I might read more(:

I was so excited for the trolls and you did not disappoint. They seemed just as gross as I had imagined them, though the part with the mom troll and the eggs, I seriously gagged. I like how you can write an action scene and it isn't just boring drawl but something that is interesting and easy to picture. You should totally write action movies.

A great chapter still and I am still wondering what was up with all that the gypsy had said. Definetely something to keep me reading.

Great update; crazy trolls!

This story is really good :)
I want to know what the sacrifice is and what is truly hiding for her in the forest.

I for one did not think it sucked, I quite like crazy gypsy vampires. "Let me look upon your treasures gypsy." Totally made me think of Borat. But on a more serious note of your awesomness. I am yet again amazed. You definetely got a knack for gore, which makes me a little sick but I like it. When she was going all crazy and ranting about things she saw I was like what? What could all of this possibly mean? Especially the part about Tierra, I so thought she was a good guy, but who knows.

I love some mystery in a story and now I am eager to see what all of this sacrifice stuff means. Great job.

It's just so awesome to read. I can't even think of words to describe the fourth chapter.
You manage to make me even more intrigued. My eyes were like going back and forth, devouring your words with so much excitement as she talked to the gypsy vampire. Ah, it was amazing, so much foreshadowing in this chapter, and it might have been short, but like, it was enough to make me want that next chapter even more. Who was the hooded figure? Ah, so many questions. I am confused as well about the "turning". What is it?

TAWSYGTG! Keep it up ;)
(totally awesome writing skills you've got there girl!) <-Just in case you're wondering :)

Look at this little thing go! :) Proud of you, mum. Yeah, I call you mum, even though we supposedly have uh, the same thing going with Luke. Just...just saying.Anyway. I never realized just how close Ashley is to this Jeremy guy - hey, he was on the Scooby Doo MOVIE - until you described his reaction. Could you tell me exactly what a "turning" is? I sort of got lost there.

This girl - woman, I mean, seems like she puts up with a lot. Very strong, very tolerant, very smart. She seems like the ideal vampire. I never pictured her as old looking as you did, though. x]

ASDASJKD JUST KEEP WRITING. <3 You're doing a magnificent job with everything - your flow is perfect too.

First of all, I love how his isn’t set in high school. I know, I would never really expect you to do that, but often most vampire/ supernatural stories go down that road. This was exciting, you got a look at the slayer’s life from the beginning, (and I love how that happened. It was cool how you talked about her eyes, too.
The first chapter is edited well, i couldn’t find any mistakes, and it gives a nice detailed description on what you need to know about these people. You learn about a mysterious “head quarters” pulling you in, making you interested.
The second chapter ran smoothly as well, the transitions of what as happening and giving their back story was great, and held a great deal of my intrest.
Overall, this is one well written, unique supernatural story, which isn’t all that easy to come by. ( still in process of reading the third chapter. Figured I should’ve commented before it was too late.)
I’ll be subbing <3

So I read the other two chapters so I could comment on chapter three and know what was going on and things x] But first things first, I really love the layout. It’s gorgeous. Anyway I really enjoyed this (usually I don’t like this kind of thing so it was a pleasant surprise XD ) its really well written. I love the characters and the way you word things is and the descriptions are incredible, like they’re really vivid and lovely.

I also love the name Timothy but that’s beside the point. I really loved the last line of chapter three as well.

I think I’m going to subscribe x]

Hello, beautiful.

You have something very promising and I'm glad I can read something like this and enjoy is so much. I'm team Jacob forever, and before Twilight, I was an advent fan of the Underworld movies, and I've always liked hairy beast more

Starvation was one way, the worst way. The sound of his pained howls could be heard through the buildings stonewalls. – I love the mood and descriptions and this was my favorite line. The thriller is intense.

Keep it up.

I've never read a werewolf story, so I'm completely virgin to this.
:D

I like the setting in the first chapter, how mundane and usual it is to us, and how there's like... secret creatures lurking about. It sort of makes it like THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, EVEN IN YOUR OWN HOME type deal. And that we're stupid. And I like that.

The first chapter should definitely be split up into more than one paragraph. It's big, a little too big. Maybe split it up around where you introduce the beast-type-thing? But I do like the imagery, sort of like all crazy and hairy and not like cute little dogs.

Though reading on, try splitting them up a little more. Which each new notion, change of subject, change the paragraph. If it's about how something looks, one paragraph. If it's about actions, one paragraph. If it's emotions, one paragraph. Not all together. :)

As well, the whole jumping into descriptions wasn't something I liked. Show don't tell, sort of deal. Be subtle. Like ninja, when it comes to descriptions. We know it's there, but it's sneaky.

I do like how you just JUMP INTO IT! I don't like chapters that are bland and are sort of like "I woke up, I took a shower, I ate breakfast" because they're so... boring. To the point where I don't want to read. But with this I'm all "OMG, WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

Is it bad that I sort of feel bad for the Lycan? It's not his fault, I don't think. I don't know... I suppose you'll tell us how they turn, yes? :D

I do like the abundant amount of mythical creatures, makes it all that much more interesting instead of JUST Lycans, WHAT WILL COME UP NEXT?

Oh goodness me, I actually really, really like this. For the most part I don't really read fantasy, but I do like this quite a lot, yessiree. It's a really, really good story.
:D

Oh I can't wait for some action with these trolls :D
It should be great :)

Chapter 2:

We are like reptiles, though we are still mammals. When the change is made, if we are changed, our blood freezes over, so our blood is literally frozen inside of us for the moments of change, then it liquefies again, but remains at a freezing temperature.
I really like that small explanation pertaining their kind. It gives me more information and obviously perks up my interest.

When you mentioned that one Lycan that was put in the team, I have this feeling that it had an emotional attachment to Ashley? Maybe I'm completely wrong but that's the vibe I got. I'm hoping there was something going on between the two, not boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but definitely more than friends. Meh, wouldn't make a different either way.

She was warmer than I could ever be and I envied her that.
Shouldn't there be a 'for' between her and that? ...and I envied her for that. ?

He cared nothing for Eliza or me and when he left. We had prayed he would never return.
It should, most likely, be a comma instead of a period. And of course, minimize 'we'.

my Sire had lost a large amount blood in a fight.
...a large amount of blood in a fight.

Chapter 3:

Ohgod, the banner for chapter three is so undeniably amazing. I love werewolves.<3

I don't think I found any mistakes on chapter 3. I'm a bit interested in learning more about Heath and their Leader. Ashley always seems to mention him. And um, I have a feeling the Leader is a lycan? Idk, I could be completely wrong. x3

Tierra means EARTH is spanish! :D :D She seems extremely pretty from what you described her as. And the trolls? You say they don't wonder around since Rienna is strong. Maybe they were sent to attack them because of Tierra's pregnancy? Who knows, I'm enthralled once more. This story is turning out to be really good.

Haha, trolls, nice touch. I am actually interested to hear about the trolls because I have never read anything with them before and I want to see how you'll present them. I am confused about this turning thing, but as time goes on hopefully I'll figure it out, sounds sort of ellusive.

I also like Tierra's character, she is like the softer side of the Immortals, the more understanding. To me I see her as that motherly character, and not just because she is expecting. But because she chooses to see the good.

Which I like that you present that. You have people like Evelyn where it is just like kill them all cause their bad. And then Tierra where she is willing to see past what they are and offer another chance, Ashley seems to waver in the middle, she has her objections but still feels sympathy for them.

I still love the story and am uber excited for the next update. Great writing.

This is turning out amazing. Your layout has me jealous xD
It sounds like a true novel but you've definitely got your own sick twist added to it. :D
I love how this seems to be so well thought out.
Can't wait for an update! :D

To add to my former comment just above me, I think chapter two opened a lot of different routes to how your story could go. I'm catching on to a sort of Underworld similarity, but I like it nonetheless :)

I think you have managed to make me fall in love with someone with a name like Timothy :) Just because of his terrified reaction in chapter one. Yeah, I totally love that you made his teeth yellowed from the blood, a lack of perfection is in a way, a relief. I'll just be heading to chapter two now :)