Fairest - Comments

This is really well written. Your description is beautiful and I love your word choices. c: It's all really amazing. The summary will gets you hooked and I like how you made the fairy tale your own with really nice and creative changes. For some reason, I just really liked how you described the queen. She's a bitch, yes, but you did an awesome job on her character. I can't really find anything wrong with the story. It was all done so well and it shows that you put a lot of thought and time into this. Simply awesome. <3

Comment Swap: To be fair, i had trouble getting through the first chapter, not because it was bad but just because i can tell this isn't my 'cup of tea'. That being said, your writing is almost flawless; its always easy to tell when someone had put a lot of time into editting their work and this clearly has been revised with punctual scrutiny. It shows. Also, your layout is very well laid out and goes with the story hand-in-hand. Bravo.

Very original and such a beautiful layout! I was immediately drawn in because it looked like a story that much thought was put into. Upon reading it, that was confirmed.

From what you've written so far you seem dedicated to this story. You have a very nice writing style that flows nicely; I feel that I need to continue reading because there's some new turn in your grammar, or your sentences flow different; you change it up! I like that, it doesn't get boring that way.

This is such a good idea so far, and I hope you continue with it!

*comment swap*

The thing that I love most about this is that this isn't the typical Snow White story where she tries to escape the wretched queen but instead she's actually working for the queen! I really love this originality and I love the layout and the title because it all just fits well together. I also really like the writing style although I think it could flow a little better in some parts. This really makes me curious as to Robin and Snow's past and such, even though Robin's story about his adventures as a frog was pretty cute :3

Ah, a story that feeds into my love of re-imagining classics....where to start?

First, this is a gem of a story. I love Snow's general tone and the way you describe her feeling and reacting to situations. It makes her seem like a real person, unlike many portrayals of dear Snow. Prince Max is a wonderful departure from traditional princes, too. He's just enough of an asshole that I love him and want to see more of him desperately.

I also just love the departure from classic Snow White stories. It's brilliant and original and you need to write more. I've subscribed. :)

Wooooooooooooooooooooooow. I can't even-- wow. Honestly, I was skeptical about finding a writer like you here on Mibba. You're very talented! Is this story an original of yours? It's simply unique! Your style of writing is also very clean and easily understood, while your grammar is also no joke. I only read the first chapter since this type of story is really not my cup of tea, but I admire the way you write! Sure shows me that I have a long way to go. Honestly, I don't think you have much to work on because even when I found some grammatical errors, I'm sure that you'd correct them if you'd only seen them. Please keep up the good work!

Nice work! Very well-written. The only few grammar mistakes I found were negligible considering I probably found one or two (that I could see). The introduction, to me though, seemed a bit forced. I'm not exactly sure why, I guess I felt that it was trying to be a bit too formal, if that makes any sense. Writing in a bit more of a casual style would definitely hope.

Keep it up!

This was a really nice story. I like- scratch that- LOVE the background and the picture. I didn't see any grammar problems or anything like that, I guess the only problem I have is that the story really just didn't click for me. I kind of agree with the person below me that it does feel like your trying too hard. Ease up, use some slang words and don't be so uptight in your writing. Other than that, it was good. Keep up the good work! :3

First; I'd like to profusely apologize for taking such an unthinkable long time to comment. I know how it feels to wait so long you're ready to yank your hair out over the person who has your story in the works.

There's been a lot of drama going on for me.
I promise my comment will be long enough to make up for this wasted space I'm using to apologize.

If I were going to be completely honest, and I'm going to have to start with my opinion- as opposed to fact- because you're that good of a writer so far....
It opens like...

How do I put this--- it opens like you didn't know how to open it. You're trying too hard to open up with this totally original thing that will draw attention. Unfortunately, the thing is, it's so out of left field and no where that it ended up being something I don't really care about. On top of that it doesn't at all seem to add to the plot, except as an odd -- and fairly commendable -- way of introducing a certain tone. A tone you don't seem to follow through with.

At first it's reading as educational and...foreshadowing. Then that sort of devolves into some patronizing story teller...which then turns flip side to the run of the mill average girl with the thoughts an average girl might have.

The dialogue seems a bit...obvious. You use it to make a clear distinct marker between the people we're supposed to like and the people we're supposed to hate. It reads like a 90s translation of a kids fairytale anime. The bad people are the ones who are ridiculous and over the top and undesirable- the good ones are the ones who are fair and pretty and simple and look like they're actual nonmutant human beings.

I'm not going to fuss at the time period, because it's quite clearly obvious it's meant to be a sort of jampacked mix of modern and 'medieval'. I think that's very original and you do it very excellently. Exceptionally well done.

The thing that gets me, however, is that the main character you've written seems to have the shallow personality of a rock. You've left her so wide open her insides fell out and then you put her in first person. When you do that it's sort of obvious that she's there to be a wish fulfillment for either you or your reader. Meant as nothing more than a gamepiece for the reader, or yourself, to insert themselves into the story, disguised as a character they can "identify" with. I'd really like to see a more distinct personality coming from each of these characters.

People identify with her because she does what every other girl in the world would do. If someone's a bitch she thinks they're a bitch. If someone looks good she thinks they look good. If someone is in a sorry situation she thinks they're in a sorry situation.

That sort of thing can easily, and without notice, work both ways though. It could just as easily become, "She's a bitch because the character says she is."
"He's in a sorry situation because the character says he is."

And that is bad. You don't want that. That eliminates the need to flesh out your story. Pretty soon it becomes nothing more than a constant string of her telling rather than you showing. Then the readers take her word for it because they identify with her so much.

Basically, I'd recommend a more natural flow to the dialogue. And quirks.

Give them quirks.

Quirks are your friends.

Your description in some places, too, seems to be sort of tedious. It's nice to add body language...just...try not to bring up every single action they do.

If Susan B comes in with a crushed up ball of paper, and she goes to throw it away-- we don't need to know that she came in threw the door on the <front/back/side> of the room, and took <number> <big word adjective> steps across the room and threw the crumpled up paper in the <descriptive adjective> trashbin. More than we need to know that Susan came in, threw paper away, and continued on to another action.

Simplicity is actually your friend. Don't be afraid of being simple and concise.

Otherwise; (so you don't think I'm harping- which I'm trying not to, but I notice people tend to assume I dislike a story because I always open with the "negative" things I dislike about it); this is really, really, really original.

It's extraordinary and exceptionally well done, and you deserve every bit of praise you receive. You're an excellent writer and if you follow that talent it can take you very far.

Wow.

I'm sort of jealous.

Wow! Wow! Wow! This is really amazing! I am really loving the wit, references and twist you've put on the classic. They layout just further aids the story and impresses me. Hopefully you keep this great work up and I cannot wait to see further character development.

Well, this is really very good. Exceptionally good really. I don't know exactly what to say because I feel as if it's already been said.

Hilarious and well written, with a heroin who is smart and stubborn while still being likeable and not a hollow attempt at a good character. Everything was hit spot on, and it's a fascinating take on an old story.

The political aspect to it is very well done as well, with enough legal jargon to sound accurate without being boring or hard to understand. Also, I love the new uses for famous characters. Like Doc and the evil stepmother (who I'm assuming is Manuella but I could be wrong)

I really hope to see more soon, especially some interaction between Maximilian and Snow because they're very funny together. From what there is anyway.

Great job so far.

(Comment swap)

As soon as I read the title, I knew I wasn‘t going to like it. These types of stories aren‘t my cup of tea, sorry. The summary was good and could draw someone in easily. I read the first chapter, but I couldn‘t read on. Sorry. But as I read the first chapter, I did love how you wrote and everything. I noticed no mistakes at all and the diolouge was good, but I couldn‘t go on. I‘m sure it‘s a great story, but it‘s not my cup of tea (as I said). But you are a good writer, keep that in mind. I wish you luck with this story, I‘m sure it will finish great! :)

the first chapter was sooo good it gripped me in already! I really loved your art work it fitted the theme sooo well! I'll probably subscribe after I finish the second chapter! So good luck on your future comments because it think it was an amazing read! and if you could let me know what you think of my book Vida that would be sweet! :)

My*

Hey comment swap sent me! So I guess you can say I was a deprived child since I never saw snow white but you have a really cool, exotic twist to it and I enjoyed the humor you put into it too! I really enjoyed your story's originality and I'll reccomend it! Check out minute page too :p

Oh, I love this! It's extremely clever and witty and *original*. I've never read anything quite like it. That last paragraph *killed* me. All that disapproving, formal speech, and then -- "Bitch".

I really enjoyed this :) Keep writing!

PUPPY!!!!!! :D

lol. This is so funny! Just the thought of it. I only read the first chapter but it's really good. XD I hope you continue on with this so other readers can be lucky enough to get a glimpse at this. I don't really have anything bad to say about it. It seems very professional. I love how witty this is.

I was so glad I decided to do the story review thread when I clicked on your story and saw it was an original take on Snow White! You have this element of slightly sarcastic humor on your long story summary, and I really think that sells what you’re writing. If I was just a normal reader, something like that would catch my attention.

Chapter One

I love how you start out with “once upon a time” and tie in classical elements of fairy tales for this new creation you’ve made. That definitely works well.

You toe the line in this story between a blatant satire and an almost feminist retelling of Snow White, and I love that.

” Manuella stared me down for a few moments, and I found myself fidgeting uncomfortable under her gaze.”

I think this should be “fidgeting uncomfortably under her gaze” or “fidgeting, uncomfortable under her gaze.”

I’m trying to give more specific feedback, but it’s hard to stop myself to analyze, because this story flows so well. One moment I’m laughing about trouble’s “disguises” and the next time I stop to think, we’ve been introduced to Robin. That’s a great thing though, honestly, that as a reader, I can so easily fall into your story and it flows so smoothly.

One area I see room for improvement for in the first chapter is Manuella’s characterization. We get that Snow White dislikes her and mocks her, but I think we need more direct dialog and snoobery from Manuella’s character. You touch on it at the end of the chapter, with the mention of looking up punishments and the threatening her with the dungeon, but there are other opportunities in this chapter to strengthen Manuella.

Chapter Two
I like how you expand on the idea of Bant being this dodgey little place. It comes across as a fairytale Las vegas!

You mention Doc in this chapter again, which if I recall correctly, is one of the seven dwarves. I think some physical description of what a dwarf looks like in your world would be great, beyond the little paragraph about his hair color, and possibly an opportunity for you to add in some more of the satirical comedy you have sprinkled throughout the story.

“My hand froze for a minute in my scribbling as I sneaked a peak up at him. After all, it’s not every day you get to see someone who has been allegedly cursed by the darkness. Nope, he was still very normal looking albeit handsomer than most could claim. Actually, for someone carrying around the sobriquet of Dark Prince he was rather disappointing. Shouldn’t he at least have dark hair and be dressed in black?

“I expected you to be darker.”

“Well, I expected you to be taller. We’ll both just have to live with the disappointment somehow. And paler. I expected you to be paler.””

I love this section. It’s brief, but provides such a substantial look into your characters and their personalities. It’s witty little dialog like this that makes me enjoy this story so much.

Comment swap:

I absolutely love it! At first it was a little hard to follow. The bit in the beginning about once upon a time is original and funny. The plot is an excellent twist of the fairy tale. I especially loved the interaction with Snow and Max. Keep updating :D