Fairest - Comments

Comment Swap~
Ohmygoodness. First of all, Snow White.<3
Just yes. I love it when people re-make the classic fairy tales. c:
Especially when they do it well & originally like you are so far. The detail is very good, & same with the grammar. I'm really interested in what's up with Robin & the Queen and Snow. Elope-age~
Keep on writing ! c:

~Comment Swap~
I'mba sucker for re-tellings of fairy tales,.so this definitely caught my interest from the get-go. On top of that, this reads as easily as a novel and has a very unique spin on the story of Snow White. Really glad comment swap brought me here. I subscribed and hope to see more soon. :)

Wowzers. Wonderful start. I really like your narrative style. Looking forward to seeing more.

Fantastic start to hopefully an amazing story. Your decision to write in first person made this all the more exciting to read through, especially with the little quips and quirks of Snow. I wasn't too sure what was happening for awhile, but I'm definitely interested where this may lead.

This story is actually awesome. I love the layout, but I love the story even more. I like the little twist on snow white. I think this has a lot of potential, so I really hope you keep it up because I'm excited to see what happens.

I haven't even begun the first chapter and I'm already intrigued (I'm writing this as I read through it). The layout is beautiful, and the summary really makes me interested to see what's up ahead. I already like your take on the Snow White fairytale; it's much different from other versions I've seen.

Onto the chapter. I like the way you begin the chapter, with the little note about how "Once upon a time" began, and then going on to ...there was a girl named Snow White, and she had the most unfortunate habit of attracting trouble. That line just makes it all the more entertaining for me.

I think your descriptions of things are fantastic. You have a good way of showing us that the queen is fat. I'm also enjoying that Snow White is a bit mischievous; it adds more depth and personality than other Snow Whites I've seen/read about.

I like that, despite what she may want to do, she has to serve the queen. I can't wait to find out how she handles this situation! Oh dear, it sounds like it'll be trouble.

Keep writing this! I'd like to read more.

Webster's should be Websters, as it does not show possession. However, I love your introduction. It definitely makes me want to read this. You're a lovely writer, and I do hope you continue this. I love your layout. Did you make it yourself?

This is a REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing story. I have never seen a Snow White story before, and comment swap brought me here. I was sooooo interested in this story, from the very first word. Your writing flowed beautifully, and every aspect of this story was amazing. Keep up the good work!

Once upon a time there was Katlight Sparkle.

She was handed an example and it was meant to be helpful.

Across the land of Mibba a King danced in a dress.

He laughed and giggled as if he had someone to impress.

He had doned the gown to write out a little story.

Now it is finished but from the Queen's humour and curt remark's he will never be free...

"This tale is laced with venomous tales, deceitful individuals and dreadful heartache. Read on at your own misery.

Had I come upon such a tale, I would throw it in the glass engraved waste bin by my side desk. Where many a sad tale, written by my own pen, have been cast aside.

There are those who long to be a maiden of royalty. A girl of high standard, dignified manners and fine gowns. However, as I warned, there are many horrors to this tale, and the princess I am is core to my hatred at times.

Not every princess lives the life I describe. Not every girl is as spiteful as I. Before my mother died I was a delicate angel of a girl, a shadow of a gem, the petals of a rose. However, her passing brought me to forests of thought that children should never hear of. Her last words tossed me in.

Her scaled ashen face, so golden and soft in life, glared at me on her final day.

"You are no princess. Not a feather as you should be." She had slithered.

My heart, brittle as it was, shattered. Now I am a rough devil spirit, the light of a cobra's eyes, the thorns of that very rose.

So, reader, you may reconsider your glorious princess thoughts, for I give you this one chance. Now you shall be wise to recall that being a princess is not what you want.

Still tarrying I see. Perched on the Ledge of Hope. Where is your gritting reality? Must I soak you with enough venom and truth to allow you to burn with me?

So be it.

You must be teetering on the thoughts that not every girl has a loving mother and that they could perhaps still grow on to be that prize dessert blossom. What then, silly reader, of the father who meandered out to see a mistress while his love-marriage wife melted into her cancerous bed. What of his indifference to that family he had with her? What of the cruel dry eyes that never blessed the world with even one tear?

And his hidden war, a war that he claims to be fighting.Truly nothing else but an attempt to disappear. Hiding from his wife, hiding from his son's self-death, hiding from me.

Aaa, I see you have begun to back off to the Grove of Understanding. However, keep your footing light for this is not where my story takes place. Down in the Forest of Reality is where you must be thrown in as well. Just as my dear Stefan was plunged a year back. Taking all the glues and sticky mixtures that a dear brother can have to mend his crushed and once loving sister's heart.

You are ready. Find ease in the shadows for the story now begins."

We are the Knights of Comment Swap relaying this message. We found your unique story with the aid of the King.

This is based on someone else's piece, The King found that it might help your story though. Your idea is interesting and adding more detail would be amazing. Describing things rather than saying them out. Bringing out the characters. Keeping the plot of your story hidden, but bringing in enough information and character to seize the reader.

There are quite a few grammar and sentence mistakes. Editing would improve your story. Your commas are in the wrong place a lot of the time. Your flow means to be nice, but sometimes we fall of a ledge.

Also you can separate her thoughts with italics and keep the details an descriptions without the italics. Some times you do this, but it's a little inconsistent.

Another thought, in this time frame, wherever it is(it would be good to describe the settings and customs) do girls have best friends? Should Robin not be called something else? Perhaps a trusted ally or something of the sort, something more fitting of this language you are using and not so 2012 highschool-ish. Whoa, also the end, the swearing part, that doesn't match the language that you use for the rest either. Also, it throws off the entire chapter.

Also if she doesn't have a moment to spare to be mad at her, don't just say that, describe it. We want to see it. Readers, and Knights alike, don't always trust the author, we want to see what will keep her busy. This will also add to the flow.

All the best writing and farewell!

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

Though I'm usually not one for "traditional" fairytales, this was quite intriguing! Your way of wording drew me into this, and the twist storyline of Snow White made me continue. This, I might add, is quite rare in my case.

Secondly, I'd like to comment on your marvelous background. It's beautiful, and enchanting.

Lastly, since I must also point out areas that could be improved, I found /some/ of your sentences became slightly awkward. For instance: "If I had been involved, Robin certainly would have a better plan than run off and get married quietly. Honestly. But this wasn’t the time to worry about my ego."

How I'd change it: "If I had been involved, Robin certainly would have a better plan than run off and get married quietly[; I mean, honestly.] [Although,] this wasn’t the time to worry about my ego."

Also, try and not begin sentences with "but" or "and". It weakens the word flow.

All in all, this was a wonderful read. Keep up the good work!
--Joe

Comment swapper! First off, as you've probably heard a million times already, your layout is PERFECT.Words cannot express how much I adore it. I love the research that has gone into this, too, like all the bits of information in the first paragraph. As for the plot you've got going, it's definitely intriguing - this coming from someone who isn't much for fairy tales. Keep it up, though, it's coming along great so far. :)

Man oh man, your layout is gorgeous. Your summary is very intriguing and definitely draws people in. I love that this is going to be about Snow White, she's my favorite princess. The first chapter was really good. I love your descriptions and how well this all fits together. Definitely subscribing and recommending this.

The writing was amazing. I absolutely loved it. Your language was extremely well done. You did well to mix the modern day language with the language of old. It mixed well to make it easier to read and more entertaining. I enjoyed it whole-heartedly. I think this story will be extremely interesting and I think this is a very entertaining tale so far. I've never read a twisted fairy tale before so this was my first and I'm glad comment swap brought me to it. I love the characters, they are entertaining and interesting as well. So great job!

Comment swap brought me here, and let me just say how glad I am that it did! I absolutely LOVE twisted tales, so the fact that you took Snow White and made it your own is fantastic! You've done a really good job so far and I really like this story! Keep up the good work! Oh, and I also adore your layout. It's dark and beautiful and totally reminds me of Snow White! :D

Nice work! You certainly have put a new twist on the Snow White story. I am having a hard time putting her in an office, but that is just a little minor detail issue at the moment. Is Robin Snow White's friend or brother? I am having a hard time deciding on that. I do like the "Fairest in the Land" being a job description instead of a secret thing the idiot queen wishes to be. And yet it seems to queen still wishes for this title. You are doing a very good job with this. Is there more to the story to later come?