So much has happened in the passed few months.I have a new boyfriend, Michael, who is in love with me and I am in love with him...... but this shit is weird. How do I even function in a relationship? I know don't cheat and don't lie, but other than that, what do you do? Like, I have no soul with things like emotions. I'm inconsiderate and petty. Sometimes I wonder how I got this far with my...

When I was 14, I began seeing this guy. He was a senior in high school, I was a freshman. Thinking back on it now, he always treated me like shit. We were in love,I think.Behind closed doors, he would hit me. Cheat on me. Play with my insecurities. Dehumanize me.He almost raped me.He got me pregnant.I lost the baby.He laughed and told me to get over it.We broke up after 2 years.I broke after 2...

I don't know why I feel it today and not back, in September.Today would have made 5 years with that kid. I hated him. I left that relationship hating him. He slept with my best friend and I just stopped caring. So [i/]why does this still bother me?[i/] I thought about it over and over.He told me he lost his feeling for me in July. I got pregnant in August. Lost it in September.All of it could've...

Excitement filled my body. Pure, enthusiasm. Going to a house of terror is always fun for me. Fast forward.We're split into groups of 5. 3 boys, 1 girl and I. These kids never seemed to like me, but today they seemed different. Almost as excited as I was, they couldn't help but talk to me and laugh.As we're walking through the house, walls of white, long hallways and velvet carpet, slight terror...

You know, sometimes I think to myself how much easier everything would be if I would just stop being me and let an alter run my life. My alters seems to be way more wise than I could ever be. They also have more of a sense of direction while I have trouble getting up in the morning. I wish so hard that one day I'll come to be a good person with an excellent job and a future, but it's hard knowing...

It's been a while since I've written anything. I don't know why. I think my manic episode took the best out of me. Now I feel like I'm struggling just to survive. I can never put into words exactly how I'm feeling. Not even now, while I'm writing this entry. Maybe I'm stressed. Too stressed. Maybe I'm giving myself too much space to fall and what I rely need is a safety net. Maybe I'm lost in my...

I don't know what to do anymore.As the summer approaches, I find myself struggling to make ends meet. I'm in debt, I'm don't have a job, I have no car. I'm stuck. And all I can think about is how I'm going to have money to pay for my medications for when I get tested and formally diagnosed, drugs, and gas all at the same time. I was thinking about applying for disability since my Bipolar Manic...

Every time I think I'm okay, something creeps up on me and everything is wrong again.Maybe its me, maybe its Amber. She's a cunt. I talk the most shit about her but tbh I think it's because we're very similar. I think 'm just now noticing.I recently decided to have my own coming-out process with my mother. not about my bisexuality, but about my bipolar disorder. She obviously new I had depression...

It's so weird. I'm awake and my mind won't let me sleep. That's not the weird part, since my bipolar won't let me sleep. No, the weird part is looking up all of these MPD and DID questions to help prepare myself for when I go in for my interview and I am able to answer every single System question that I can find. It gets really scary sometimes, when you come up with answers to questions that you...

I don't blog often, if I do at all. That means sometimes I won't remember. But that doesn't mean that I write every time I remember. Sometimes they don't want me to write. Some times they don't want me to do anything. Sometime I lay on my bed less lifeless than a sack of potatoes on the shelf at the farmer's market.It's rough. Going through life with 5 different opinions in my head. Wanting to...

Let me just run through this 6ix with my woes as I tally up the amount of days I've gone without proper sleep. 6,952 days. No. I'm actually lying. I haven't been able to keep track. I'm finishing my freshman year of college and it's been happening since before I started high school so I guess 6,000 something days may not be so far off.I've been thinking, the only reason I'm making such a big deal...

I don't know how to feel today. I mean, I know how I feel, but I don't feel like that. It isn't my vibe today, which is good I guess. I actually feel like shit. I don't know who to talk to about it. I don'y know who knows and that makes me feel like everyone knows. They all see through me. They all judge me. I worked so hard for my invisible/mysterious vibe. WHAT IF THEY ALL FIND OUT THAT I'M...

I've been watching United States of Tara; a show about a woman living with DID. My friend Jordan recommended it for me the day of my little episode. I told her I liked it; but it scares me. This woman has children and a husband and a life. What if I'm not so lucky? What if I can't make a living for myself? What if this gets the best of me. Her switches started when she had sex with a guy she...

The voices haven't stopped. The keeping fighting with each other then stopping, arguing, stopping. It's frustrating. I feel like others know. Like they see straight through me. I think they think I'm faking. I wish I was. Sometimes I do think I'm faking, but then I remember that its impossible to fake for an entire lifetime, and I definitely can't fake memories that I have. Sometimes I scare...